Making mooncakes for the Mid-Autumn festival requires not just an understanding of what goes into the mooncake, but also an appreciation of what does not go into the mooncake.


Ingredients:

Consider the following filling ingredients: 1 cup red azuki beans, 3/4 cup Smart Balance spread, 3/4 cups sugar, 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Consider the following dough ingredients: 1 cup flour, 5 tablespoons Smart Balance spread, one egg, beaten.

Consider the following non-ingredients: Lust, ambivalence, squirrels, a battleship, dew.

Preparation:

Soak red beans in water for the afternoon. While they are soaking, consider these words from Lao Tzu:

天之月餅，損有餘而補不足。人之月餅，則不然，損不足以奉有餘。
The Mooncake of Heaven takes from the excessive and supplements the lacking, unlike the Mooncake of Man that takes from the lacking and supplements the excessive.

Now, consider whether you want to cook the beans and add the spread, or distribute the beans to the needy and fast instead. Remember, ambivalence is not an ingredient of mooncakes. If you choose to continue, place the beans and spread in a saucepan and add the sugar and salt, but not lust or a battleship. Cook until almost all the moisture has evaporated.

After you have mixed and prepared the dough, think about what shape you want to make the mooncakes. Remember these words, often attributed to the patriarch Bodhidharma:

夫形生老死，皆我也。故以善吾生為善者，吾死亦可以為善，海象亦可以為善矣。
Now, my body in life, in old age and in death is, at every point, “me.” Therefore, if it is good for me to believe that living is good, then it is also good for me to believe death is good, and it is also good for me to believe a walrus is good.

Divide the dough into twenty equal portions, and fashion each into walrus shapes. Walruses are not listed among the ingredients, because these are not actual walruses but simply images of walruses. The Chinese word for walrus means “sea elephant,” but elephants are not listed in the ingredients, either. Think about this. Yet, unlike squirrels, they are not listed among the “non-ingredients” either. Think about this, too. Nagarjuna would tell us that the reason for this is to discourage us from binary thinking. Nagarjuna, however, is neither an ingredient nor a non-ingredient. So forget all about Nagarjuna. Fill each “walrus” with the azuki bean filling. Arrange on a baking sheet and bake twenty minutes at 350 degrees.

While it is baking, think about Chairman Mao’s adage:

一聽德布茲之言, 就知養生之術。
Once I heard the words of [American Socialist Eugene] Debs, I understood the techniques for nourishing life.

Resolve to support Eugene Debs in the next election. Remove the mooncakes and let them cool. But let them cool indoors, so that dew does not sneak into the recipe. Distribute the mooncakes to members of the proletariat.

Spiritual aftermath:

Ask yourself if this recipe is about mooncakes, or if it really a recipe about pointing at mooncakes.

Can you remember what it was that you were thinking about before you started thinking about mooncakes? And, just as importantly, does it really matter what you were thinking about before you started thinking about mooncakes? And, if that doesn't matter now, then at some moment in the future, isn't it true that what you are thinking about now will not matter at all?

So, why not take some time to go out and wander among the rivers and streams? That's much simpler, anyway.

Ritz Mock Apple Pie

The classic pie, featuring Ritz crackers baked in a golden crust,
is perfect for the holidays.

Pastry for two-crust 9-inch pie
36 RITZ Crackers, coarsely broken (about 1 3/4 cups crumbs)
1 3/4 cups water
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated peel of one lemon
2 tablespoons margarine or butter
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon


1. Roll out half the pastry and line a 9-inch pie plate. Place
cracker crumbs in prepared crust; set aside.

2. Heat water, sugar and cream of tartar to a boil in saucepan
over high heat; simmer for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and peel;
cool.

3. Pour syrup over cracker crumbs. Dot with margarine or butter;
sprinkle with cinnamon. Roll out remaining pastry; place over pie.
Trim, seal and flute edges. Slit top crust to allow steam to escape.

4. Bake at 425 F for 30 to 35 minutes or until crust is crisp
and golden. Cool completely.

Makes 10 servings

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION per serving
413 calories, 3 g protein, 63 g carbohydrate, 17 g total fat,
3 g saturated fat, 339 mg sodium, 0 g dietary fiber.

Preparation Time: 45 mins.
Cook Time: 30 mins.
Cooling Time: 3 hrs.
Total Time: 4 hrs. 15 mins.

_____________________________________________________________

This recipe taken directly from Back of the Box Recipes.
http://www.backofthebox.com/recipes/pies-pastries/ritz-mock-apple-pie.html

This recipe created by Nabisco.

If elected, Constitutional Amendment Pie will fix the Constitution so that it will more clearly reflect True American Values. Then that ol' Constitution will be the bestest, most constitutiony constitution a constitution could be!

How will Constitutional Amendment Pie fix that ol' constitution? Let's see here... hmm... ok, here it is:

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress ...

Ok... so... uhh... Constitutional Amendment Pie will "try."

Fannie Farmer (Mrs.) Please phone home.



^^^^^^picture of pielessness^^^^^^

I know, this administration's guidance has kept the economy going - as well as could be expected, under the circumstances, I guess.
And maybe this whole subprime interest thing *was* blown all out of proportion. And I have heard that unemployment is practically nonexistent in this country. But still, finances are a little tight around here and I do miss my dessert. We desperately need the KoolAid/CoolWhip Pie recipe to see us through. A sadly confused nation cries out to you. Help US

your humble servant,
btr3

Raisin Pie sans sucre

This pie is good and good for you because it’s made without refined sugar. It just doesn’t need extra sweetening. Made with raisins and fruit juices this pie is delicious and nutritious. Some folks claim that it will be even better on the third day, I dunno, but that’s what I heard.

Invincible Pie

This Pie has won 4 NFL rushing titles, rushed for over 1,000 yards in 11 consecutive seasons, rushed for 16,726 career yards, scored 164 touchdowns and spawned that rule where you can't take your helmet off on the field to celebrate anymore. Pie was also crowned champion of ABC's Dancing with the Stars with dance partner, Cheryl Burke, without wearing any helmet at all!

This Pie will buy you two crudely drawn birds and a thatched hut which appears only big enough to hold three quarters of one bird... But Pie has magical properties! Pie's magic makes that hut however big it's needed; on the inside! Remember the Weasley family's tent in that one Harry Potter episode? That was Pie! (Uncredited.)

Movie fails because of its brazen, puerile attempt at one-upsmanship on the delicious perfection of our fair Pie. Alas for Movie, Pie's perfection is not to be trifled with.

Mostly, Pie studiously amends the United States Constitution to limit the number of terms a president may be elected to. So even if congress refuses to do it, Pie will remove even the lamest of ducks... eventually. Even more, this Pie possesses the indominable strength required to repel all fictious threats posed by April Fool's day news items on fake websites that accidentally get reported on a national liberal talk radio show, then retracted in the next segment.

Yay for Pie!

CANDY SURPRISE PIE

Non-stick vegetable spray

1/3 c. butter, melted

2 (8 1/2 oz.) pkgs. chocolate wafers, crumbled

1 half gallon vanilla ice cream or frozen yogurt, softened

1/3 c. each of six different kinds of candy

Candy for garnish

Spray a 10 inch pie plate with non-stick vegetable spray. Mix butter and wafer crumbs in pie plate. Press on bottom and sides. Microwave on high (100% power) for 2 minutes, rotating every 30 seconds, or preheat oven and bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Place on rack to cool.

When crust is cool, place half the ice cream or yogurt on top of crust and smooth into place, using a large spoon. Use a knife or a spoon to mark the ice cream or yogurt into six wedges. Cover each with a different type of crushed candy, taking care not to overlap candies. Top with remaining ice cream or yogurt. Freeze at least 4 hours or overnight. Garnish with candy as desired. Serves 8.

Mmmm… ice cream and candy! Nothing wrong with a few sweets now and then as long. Just remember that they should be a small part of a well balanced diet made up of a variety of foods.

Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie

Here is Gizzard's recipe for the mightiest, giant-killingest, most paternalistic pie ever devised. This is no ordinary pie! This pie isn't a mere ration of nourishment that takes up space in your gut. This is all-knowing pie. This pie influences financial markets, foils plots and vanquishes evildoers!

Ingredients:

FILLING:

• Newtown Pippin apples, peeled, cored and sliced


• Lemon juice, squeezed


• Light brown sugar, packed


• Sugar, crystallized and processed into granules


• Cinnamon, personified, then ground beneath a jackboot heel


• Fresh nutmeg, grated


• Salt, shooken


• Unsalted butter, de-salted


• Thickening agent, reverently acknowledged

Instructions:

CRUST:

You can make your own crust; or just go out and buy a pre-made one. Gizzard has lined the bottom of his pie plate with some crusty gray tube socks.

Rendition your bottom crust to Syria or Eastern Europe. IMPORTANT: Gizzard always seeks assurances that his crust will be refrigerated in accordance with all international laws and treaty obligations. You should too! Say it: Plausible deniability.

The crust should be kept in isolation from all other ingredients. Prolonged sensory and sleep deprivation will "soften" the crust prior to bakening. And, of course, exposure to extreme cold will keep the crust fresh. If these steps are followed faithfully and systematically, your crust can be kept at this stage indefinitely, until you have completed the other steps. Gizzard has been refrigerating his crust for over 3 1/2 years, and it's even fresher now than on the day he rendered it!

FILLING:

When you're good and ready... move on to the filling.

Since pie-filling perfection is elusive and nearly impossible to define, it is vital to avoid artificial timetables, and if you can help it, any sort of benchmarks whatsoever. And when something is elusive and defies definition, it is best to keep all options on the table in terms of what you are willing to put into your pie.

While you don't have to break any eggs to make this omelet, if your crop is overextended, you may not be able to find enough suitable Newtown Pippins. You may even be forced to use a few bad apples. Even so, you must remain steadfast and resolved! The whole pie depends on it! Not all of your guests will have the stomach for everything you might have to do; so it's also a good idea to carry out as much of the pie-making process as possible in complete secrecy.

Some ingredients will eagerly join in the mix for the greater good of the pie. Others will be harder to bring along, but will respond to fear mongering and propaganda. Still others--- the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan ---will resist. They will need to be coerced, for they remain surprisingly resistant to the powers of mass media.

If your bowl technique is good, though, it should be relatively easy to get the ingredients tossed together. Allow the mixture to stand until the apples macerate. Then strain---

"Gizzard's bowl technique is NOT good! Gizzard's ingredients are spilling out all over, and the tarnish from the bowl is tarnishing Gizzard's apples!! AAAAARRRRRGGHHH!"

...

"Hey, wait. Gizzard knows where there is a larger bowl... To the bathroom!"
"Uhhh, Gizzard? ... You're not talking about the toilet bowl are ya?"
"Duhhh, Falkor... Yes! It's much bigger and easier."
"But if your objective is 'delicious pie,' do you really think mixing the ingredients in a toilet is conducive?"
"None of that matters, Falkor. I'm The Maker; and I'm making the bathroom the main front in the War On Not Pie. Let's go."
"Easy there, Gizzard. You splashed me when you dumped the apples in."
"Just shut up and pass me the rest of the stuff."
"Ok..."

...

"Gizzard, the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan are revolting!"
"Indeed. Tell them Gizzard demands tribute! Gizzard declares martial law on their sorry souls! Set Tasers to 'kill'!!"

[AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF MARTIAL LAW]

"They're acquiescing to your demands, Gizzard. ... I'm a little surprised that worked, actually."
"Of course it worked, Falkor!"
"How do we mix all this stuff together now?"
"Couple of flushes ought to do it. You might have to jiggle the handle."
"Won't we lose some a the ingredients that way, Gizzard?"
"The pie, Falkor. It's a small sacrifice for heavenly pie. ... OK, I think it's ready. Bring me my crust."
"Wait, don't we have to strain and cook some a the liquid off to make the syrup first?"
"Trifle. Just bring the crust."

...

"OK, Gizzard, here's your crust. It's a broken crust; barely a pale shadow a what it once was, though. I'm not sure we can even use it in our pie anymore."
"Nonsense. It's perfect. Bring it in here so I can slop the filling into it."
"Oh, Gizzard! [Cough.] When you leave and come back--- boy, is the smell pungent!"

...

"I see you've got just about everything pretty well into the crust now. What's that you're using for the top crust, Gizzard?"
"That? I braided some strips of wet toilet paper while you were in Eastern Europe."
"Aaaahhh, I see. So what next?"
"Nuke it!"
"You mean cook it in the microwave?"
"No, Falkor."

[LATER]

"Does this broadcast even reach out beyond the blast radius, Gizzard?"
"Shut up, we're almost on."

[IN 3... 2... 1...]

GIZZARD: "And we're back. So, tell me what you think, Falkor."
FALKOR: "Gizzard, this pie is terrible! It's a preposterous, ponderous pie!"
GIZ: "How can you say that, Falkor? How can you belittle the solemn sacrifice and selfless toil we put into it?"
FAL: "Apple pie is supposed to taste like summer, innocence, and unbridled enthusiasm. Instead it tastes like road salt and car exhaust; and smells like that strip a material around the inside a some oily fraternity brother's decrepit baseball cap."
GIZ: "I followed the recipe precisely, Falkor. It's not my fault you hate the taste of America."
FAL: "But Apple Pie is supposed to be made a freedom, pride, hospitality and unconditional love!"
GIZ: "That's nostalgia's quaint, old-timey recipe! We can't afford to just keep--- uh ---baking pies as if 9-11 never happened, Falkor."
FAL: "Well... I guess you're probably right... bein' you're the Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie expert and all."
GIZ: "Of course Gizzard is right!"
FAL: "Mmmmmm. Pie."
GIZ: "Fantastic. Well, folks, that's all we have time for tonight. I'm Gizzard, here with Falkor, signing off."

[CUE THEME MUSIC.]

FAL: [Off mic.] "Do I hafta eat it?"
GIZ: [Also off mic.] "Naaah. Let them eat it."
FAL: [Still off mic.] "Whew! Ok. Good."


Allow pie to cool before cutting. Best served cold.
Serves 8


---Gizzard


The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.