Blog Noir.An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.
--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Thursday, May 31, 2007
BACK-TALK
Image courtesy Ken from Ken's Kitchen
The Panopticon
POINT: The establishment a constant and pervasive surveillance systems is an invasion a privacy an violation a the Fourth Amendment protection a the right a the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, an effects, against unreasonable searches an seizures! ---Falkor
COUNTERPOINT: If you can be seen or heard, then it isn't an invasion of privacy to be looked at or listened to! Besides, if you haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. We must give our protectors in government and law enforcement the bottomless toolbox of tools they need to protect the Homeland from Terror! ---Gizzard
COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT: A regime of constant observation, though unable to process every single item of data with its "unequal gaze," is still effective of compelling good behavior by creating a "sentiment of an invisible omniscience." ---Chaplain Montag of the First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot
Remember when the Awards Committee said...
With this kind of brainpower at our disposal, the next BACK-TALK post should probably solicit in some way prescriptions for world justice and equality. Either that or an answer to the ages old question: "Ginger or Mary-Ann?"
... ?
Let's try the former.
QUESTION: Is a Panopticon, or "Big Brother" style security apparatus effective in the prevention of terrorist attacks within a society, or are would-be terrorists aware of the nature of the "unequal gaze," and realize, that with care, they can avoid said gaze? I.E.: is it like what my Dad said about door locks on a house, 'They won't keep a determined thief out, but they'll keep someone honest honest'?
Answer in the comment section and you'll be automatically entered in the Comment of the Week contest, Spot! (Not sanctioned by William of Malmsbury.)
The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.
"God has spoken to me," said Tom DeLay. "I listen to God, and what I've heard is that I'm supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the conservative base of the Republican Party, and I think we shouldn't be underestimated."
Like most Americans, we celebrate Memorial Day with a Throwing Championship. But first, lets warm up the coals and pull out the cooler...next, I'll grab the applause meter...we're gonna need it because our Queen of Memorial Day has elected to create a stunning spread of summer salads and side dishes! Draped in a red velvet robe and a shimmering crown, she'll entertain our guests on the guitar while I finish stuffing her old tights with tasty sausage. This year I've stacked the pudding on top of the hedges. Each contestant will throw the sausage-stuffed tights at the pudding. Whoever knocks down the most pudding wins!
Clean asparagus, and take each stalk in your hands. Bend the stalk, and the asparagus will naturally snap at the point where it becomes tough. Discard the tough part. Place the asparagus on a heavy baking pan and toss with the olive oil, salt, and pepper.
Roast in preheated 550 degree oven for 4-7 minutes, or until asparagus is lightly caramelized and tender. Keep an eye on them - don't let them char!
Potato Salad
10 lbs. firm, yellow-fleshed (preferably Carola) potatoes Sea salt and pepper 30 Tbs. aged red wine vinegar 5 cups olive oil 10 medium-large sweet red onions finely sliced into rings 10 tbs. finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
Boil the potatoes in salted water until just done, about 25 minutes depending on their size.
While the potatoes are cooking, combine the salt, pepper, and vinegar in a large mixing bowl, swirl in the olive oil and add the onions.
As soon as the potatoes are done, drain them and peel them. Holding the potato in a kitchen towel, slit the skin the length of the potato and pull it off between thumb and knife blade. Slice the potatoes and put the slices immediately in the mixing bowl. Move the slices around so they don't stick. Add the parsley and toss carefully, taking care not to break up the potatoes too much.
Tasty Sausage
15 lbs. boned pork butts 8 Tbs. sea salt 5 tsp. ground white pepper 3 Tbs. of rubbed sage 1 ½ tsp. ginger 5 tsp. nutmeg 5 tsp. thyme 4 tsp. cayenne pepper 3 cups ice water
Grind all of the pork butts through a three-sixteenths or one-quarter inch plate. Refrigerate the ground pork until well chilled - ideally 32 to 34 degrees Fahrenheit. When the meat is chilled, thoroughly mix the water and spice mixture with the ground pork. Immediately stuff into a pair of woman's cotton tights. Hang the stuffed sausage in a cool place until dry to the touch, approximately 30 minutes. Refrigerate after drying.
If you do not have women's tights, you can store the sausage in extra-large tube socks.
Refrigerate or freeze as desired until throwing. Remove tossed sausage from it's casing, form into patties and grill immediately.
Black Pudding
2 gals. pigs blood 26 lbs. bread crumbs 4 lbs. suet Sea salt and pepper, to taste 2 gals. milk 8 cups cooked barley 8 cups dry oatmeal 8 oz. powdered mint
Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl, pour into a gigantic pan and bring to a boil. Pour into a wide shallow bowl and season again if necessary. When cold it may be cut into slices and grilled.
While Memorial Day weekend can be great fun, it can also be fraught with danger! Every year we warn readers that the combination of party atmosphere, gallons of Stella Artois, and kids running around everywhere can result in horrible tragedy!
While there is not much anyone can do to prevent earthquakes, tornadoes, mudslides, E.coli infection, attacks by swarms of killer bees, or even this from turning your cookout into a catastrophe that's endlessly rerun on CNN, it's always a "safe bet" to keep plenty of chips and dip on hand!
Some essential "dip safety" points.
* Always site your chips and dip on a firm, level base sheltered from gusts of wind, such as garden sheds, garages, fences, shrubs and so-on. * Only use recommended ingredients and follow the manufacturer's instructions. * Do not allow dip to burst into flames or burn fiercely. * Never wear loose, flowing clothes when eating chips and dip, and tie long hair back. * Ensure that children are kept well away from dips - their fascination and curiosity can easily lead to dreadful accidents! * If you are the "chef," please take responsibility and try to avoid indulging in alcholic beverages until your dip-making is complete!
In a huge bowl, blend all ingredients; chill. Makes about 24 cups dip. Serve with Ruffles® brand Potato Chips.
UPDATE:
For those of you who don't like their Festive California Dip "extra creamy," I would recommend using only 288 oz of sour cream with 12 packages of Lipton Recipe Secrets Onion Soup Mix. (With a special tip o' the hat to Fannie Farmer (Mrs.))
"My new team at State and Defense are pros, Cheney. They can chart a successful course with regards to US-Iran policy."
For a second I considered reaching for my rod and blowing her brains out, but I let it slide. Finally I said, "Not like me, they can't. Listen, Condi, they can figure out the score as quickly as me, but they don't wanna do the dirty work. That's where I come in, see. Make no mistake, before I'm history, we're gonna bomb Iran's nuclear facilities. That is, unless you and the president can shove me outta the way, and I don't think you can."
"Listen, Dick, I want Iran to abandon its drive for the bomb, too. Don't ever forget that. But I have the Pentagon and the intelligence establishment at my disposal and the State Department will do the leg work," Rice reminded me.
I shot her a grin. "Don't worry, baby, I don't underestimate you. But you take diplomacy with Iran too seriously. You won't personally bust Ahmadinejad's legs to make him quit the nuclear hi-jinx at Natanz, and you won't shove his teeth in with the business end of a cruise missile to suggest that you're not kidding. Leg work? I do my own leg work, and there are a lot of Iranians who will do exactly what I tell 'em to do because they know exactly what I'll do if they don't."
There was a peculiar expression on her face. She shook her head. "You'll never get away with it, Dick. You're talking about potential criminal insubordination against the President."
I laid one across her chin that rocked the Secretary of State back in her chair spitting blood. "Just watch me."
Time Travel Pie suffers not the constraints of "the moment."
WHEREAS I find my own time travel harshly limited, sometimes an intrepid voyage, sometimes a reluctant but inevitable schlep, always into the future, one second at a time.
I had called upon my friend, Mr. Dick Cheney, one day last year and discovered him in deep conversation with a stout, swarthy fellow wearing a beautifully tailored dark suit and a ghutra.
Offering an apology for my intrusion, I prepared to withdraw when Cheney pulled me hastily into the room and shut the door. "You could not possibly have arrived at a more propitious time, my dear Abrams," he whispered excitedly.
"Allow me to wait in the next room," I pleaded.
"Nothing of the sort, Elliot," Cheney replied, then he turned to his guest. "Mr. Abrams is my Deputy National Security Advisor for Global Democracy Strategy, and has partnered with me in many of my intrigues. He will be supremely useful in ours, too."
The portly gent half rose from his chair and said, "Salaam alaykum, kaif halak," with a wily glance at me from his beady fat-rimmed eyes.
"Try the love seat," said Cheney as he collapsed into his armchair. "I know, my dear Abrams, that like me, you relish all that is bizarre, all that is outside convention and common sense."
"Indeed," I observed, reflecting back on my role in the Iran-Contra Scandal, when I was Ronald Reagan's Assistant Secretary for Inter-American Affairs.
Cheney's eyes sparkled as he continued. "You will recall that I remarked the other day, with regards to our new strategic alignment in the Middle East, that for odd effect and extraordinary combination, nothing could possibly top U.S.backing of Sunni jihadists to oppose Iran, Syria, and their Shia allies."
"That is far more daring than any endeavors of orderly imagination in the Pentagon," I exclaimed.
As was his custom when in judicious moods, Cheney placed his fingertips together. "That is precisely the proposition which I take the liberty of making now," he said. "Prince Bandar Bin Sultan here has been good enough to commit to covertly funding the Sunni Fatah al-Islam in Lebanon, and to promise me that the Saudis can control these jihadists - that we will not be giving rise to another al Qaeda."
The chubby member of the Saudi royal family puffed out his chest with pride. "My country's reputation, such as it is, will suffer ignominy if this is not so," he assured me.
"What in blazes will all this intend?" I questioned.
Cheney chuckled. "Trust me," he said...
From USA TODAY May 21, 2007
TRIPOLI, Lebanon (AP) - Artillery and machine gun fire echoed around a crowded Palestinian refugee camp Tuesday as the Lebanese government ordered the army to finish off the Fatah Islam militants holed up inside the refugee camp in the country's north.
The fighting - which resumed for a third straight day after a brief nighttime lull - reflected the government's determination to pursue the Islamic militants who staged attacks on Lebanese troops on Sunday and Monday, killing 29 soldiers. Some 20 militants have also been killed, as well as an undetermined number of civilians...
The fighting has also raised fears that Lebanon's worst internal violence since the 1975-1990 civil war could spread in a country with an uneasy balancing act among various sects and factions...
Unofficial, early morning exit poll results caused several networks and publications to erroneously call the election for e nonnee moose, but the raw data would first have to be subjected to a closely guarded complicated secret algorithm known only to the Awards Committee before the true winner could be determined.
EVERYBODY WINS!
INTERNETS -- Despite unofficial exit polling numbers, and the fact that a number of major networks have prematurely called the election in favor of e nonnee moose, I Miss Fafblog, Spot! is now calling the election for Everybody, including the Pope and his hamburger soup, for their work on The Brilliant Philosophical/Theological Discussion of Thomas' Man Eating Lions.
"It's important to remember that exit poll numbers are not official, and have never been a good prediction of election results," the Awards Committee said. "[Exit poll] results do not take into account under-votes, or the large number of provisional ballots that were experienced."
Provisional ballots cannot be counted unless a protracted legal battle first takes place. Traditionally, it has been held that in the best interests of The People and The Market--- which both require certainty in order to function as intended ---that The Loser declared by The Media concede the election as quickly as possible.
"It would be irresponsible and childish for e nonnee mouse [sic] to selfishly continue refusing to concede defeat," said Vic Torry, an Everybody including the Pope and his hamburger soup supporter.
There were also concerns surrounding the alleged disenfranchisement of fifteen of the sixteen June Taylor Dancers and a woman named Joan Tyler of West Palm Beach, Florida, whose name was a close match for one purged from the voter rolls in the weeks prior to the election.
There are also unconfirmed reports that Moff Jerjerrod has either fallen, or leaped, to an unknown fate down a ninety story air shaft in the unfinished Death Star. It is unknown if these election results were a factor, but eye witnesses tell I Miss Fafblog, Spot! that there were no guardrails installed around the shaft opening.
Looking to move forward, the Awards Committee said simply, "Way to go, Everybody!" and added, "Thanks to Blue Gal for the linkage and continued support!"
Mitt Romney is flush with victory after sqeezing out an almost painful lead over presidential competitors John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, landing with a huge splash in a new Iowa Poll of likely Republican caucus participants.
The Des Moines Register poll shows Romney, a former Massachusetts governor, piling up big loads of support from 30 percent of those who say they will attend the leadoff Iowa caucuses in January.
McCain, a U.S. senator from Arizona, plopped into second place with 18 percent while former New York Mayor Giuliani brings up the rear at 17 percent.
"Romney didn't have to grunt, strain and turn red to get elected out east where the whiff of Democrat liberalism is overwhelming, and that speaks pretty highly of him," said poll participant Ed Lomotil, 58, of Davenport.
Poll participant Jaleyn Squerts, 64, of Creston, likes McCain's views on the war in Iraq. "He's a veteran, so he'll will provide us with gentle, yet effective relief from what's going on. I don't feel that President Bush rushed through the process, we had an urgent need! What he did was a safe, effective way to reduce the pressure, bloating, and discomfort," said Squerts, a retired nurse.
Poll respondent Ernest Colon, 73, of Cedar Rapids, makes Giuliani his top choice, saying he "extrudes leadership." Ernst, a pre-moistened Wesleyan Church minister, said he followed Giuliani's career as New York mayor. "He certainly wiped that place up - it's much cleaner and fresher, even before 9-11."
Let's try something new. Dip your fingers in the color #990099 (Fafblog! purple) ink and get participatory! Vote early and often. The nominees are listed below. Use the voting thingy in the right hand column to vote. Canvass, give stump speeches, endorsements, nominations for write-in candidates, etc. in the comments. Polls will be open for at least 23 hours.
Nominees
MR. Bill for "...what to you guys think the Lord is trying to tell us when J. Falwell drops dead? 'Get a Grip' ..."
hypatia XY for "...what to you guys think the Lord is trying to tell us when J. Falwell drops dead? Exercise regularly and watch your cholesterol?"
MarkC for "I like Romney's new metric. What does it matter what happens in Iraq, as long as we can 'double Guantanamo'? ..."
Moff Jerjerrod for A Cautionary Tale of the Futility of Doubling Things.
thepuppethead for "Wallace Stevens hit .264 with 14 HR, 53 RBI, 12 stolen bases, and a 68% Crippling Ennui percentage..."
Everybody, including the Pope and his hamburger soup for The Brilliant Philosophical/Theological Discussion of Thomas' Man Eating Lions. [With this kind of brainpower at our disposal, the next BACK-TALK post should probably solicit in some way prescriptions for world justice and equality. Either that or an aswer to the ages old question: "Ginger or Mary-Ann?"]
e. nonee moose for "Maybe you're a real Fafblog fan, but..."
The most important television minister of our time was taken from us much too soon.
Falwell Says He Won't Vote for Giuliani
By Ken from Ken's Kitchen I Miss Fafblog, Spot Writer
LYNCHBURG, Va. -- A prominent deceased Christian leader said today that "my conscience and my moral convictions" would have prevented him from voting for Rudy Giuliani were he to win the Republican nomination.
In a blistering seance, Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell said that, should America's mayor become the nominee, "I will roll over in my grave!"
"Liberal Americans can vote for him, they are going to hell anyway. However, those conservative voters whose support he seeks have been warned -- God will smite those who succumb," Dobson thundered.
A Christian evangelical buried in Lynchburg, Va., Falwell said he was simply speaking as "a corpse." However, his words carry considerable weight with the some 7 million listeners to his voice from beyond the grave.
We are so grateful... He's leaving at the end of June... We want to make him something that he can treasure forever, something extra special... What should we get him?
Sincerely, The Executive Directors of the World Bank
Dear Executive Directors of the World Bank
Make Mr. Wolfowitz a nice farewell gift card for a trip to a place he likes - how about Iraq? - with everybody's signature!
The Foul and Mighty Liger Commentators, poison-up your pens. Lurkers, stop skulking!
QUESTION: "Fortunate is the lion that the human will eat, so that the lion becomes human. And foul [cursed] is the human that the lion will eat, and the lion will become human." DISCUSS.
I'm not sure about the rest of it, but "[cursed] is the human that the lion will eat..." just seems like ordinary common sense.
-or-
"...foul is the human that the lion will eat..." Yeah, those lions will eat anything!
-or-
Apparently this doesn't work for tigers. That one that ate Roy and/or Siegfried didn't go human... At least not in the big-brained, fur lacking, talking, walking-on-twos sense... At least not that I've heard.
It seems to me like JC might have been having an 'off day' when he uttered this one. Tell us what you think. Remember, if you give your answer in the form of a comment, you'll automatically be in the running for Comment of the Week, Spot!
Last week at the White House, an itty-bitty herd of GOP congressmen showed up to demand progress in Iraq by September, OR ELSE!
Now, for the president and those of his aides who may have attended this histrionic meeting, the demand must have been about as welcome as it was perplexing. After all, what exactly does congress know about progress in Iraq, and when exactly did progress become so important!?
The answers of course are that (a) progress means different things to different people, and (b) elections are coming up. Meaning "movement toward a goal," progress is formless, and may infuriate those who are only faithful to their version of it. In the ever-mutating spectacle we know as Washington, that's the facts, Jack.
Ask the president about progress and he'll tell you, "Sectarian murders are down," while the majority leader of the senate might note that car bombings and deaths of American soldiers are up. For some in congress, progress is beginning to morph into something metric and marketable.
A standardized Iraq metric is emerging as the progress précis, despite mopey themes like "how many foreign nationals are kidnapped" and "how many Iraqis have electricity." It may be the lighthouse of hope for some GOPers with restless constituents, but skeptical statistic collectors note that metrics were used in Viet Nam -- only they were the wrong metrics. Whoops! (And who gets to decide which indicators are conclusive, the Decider?!)
In any event, don't expect the Commander Guy to look like a sissy by agreeing to anyone else's standards for progress.
Or: Something Small Falls Out of Your Mouth and We Laugh.
Wow. It was a banner week for the I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot! competition. So, with a minimum of fanfare, The Awards Committee will just get right down to naming names. Starting, in no particular order, with your runners up:
The one-and-off commentator, Dustin Hoffman as Lenny Bruce, may have been nothing more than the Awards Committee itself masquerading as 'Dustin Hoffman as Lenny Bruce'. If that was the case, then the Awards Committee tickled itself pink with this advice for Gonzo's Prosecutorgate testimony:
Say this chick came into the apartment with a sign around her neck that said, "I have malaria. Lie on top of me and keep me physically active or I'll die."
And chances are, man... they'll believe it. Do you know why?
MR. Bill conjured the imagery that would become the composition of this week's Pope Post, (though I'm not sure he'd want to take credit for that per se):
And entirely off topic, Der Speigel has a headline "Pope attacks Mexico City Politicians".
I didn't read the article, but I'm hoping it's with the new Guided Missile shooting Popemobile and the Laser Papal crosier.
Our resident scholar, mistah charley, ph.d. told of Biblical man eating lions, for which he would receive a well-earned nomination for The Award from The Deli Llama:
The direction this discussion has taken reminds me of the thought-provoking 7th verse of the Gospel of Thomas:
Jesus said, 'Fortunate is the lion that the human will eat, so that the lion becomes human. And foul [cursed] is the human that the lion will eat, and the lion will become human.'
Reigning champion, Mark R told the lonesome (mournful?) tale of the Sumatran rhino, which seems especially poignant these Fafless days:
The Sumatran rhino is solitary for most of its life. The home range of a rhino overlaps with the home ranges of several other rhinos and animals occasionally meet, but they do not stay together for any length of time.
And darn you, MarkC, with your infernal comments which seem to emanate from beyond infinity, and their overflowing raw potential! This one, if nothing else, must surely ensure MarkC of a first ballot election to the Hall of Fame, or a lifetime achievement award or something:
Relax, Ken. Some of the same basic physical laws that cause socks to go missing during the laundry process apply to the extraction and transport of expensive fluids from the ground.
And lastly, your winner of the most stridently fought IMFBCOTW,S! thus far ... Your new I Miss Fafblog Commentator of the Week, Spot! ... bodiciah t rentlord III! ... (Unabridged.):
I'm sorry The Deli Llama, I think you're on the wrong thread. The June Taylor dancers can be found by scrolling on up, you'll see them posing next to Joseph Ratzinger who is modeling his traditional Bavarian lederhosen and Coca-Cola cup.
What we have here are a couple species of Blatant Narcissist, strange but all too common birds frequently found in proximity to cameras. On the left, we see the Self-defeating Rich-twit, (Struttinus Incompetenus) which attempts to camouflage its pathological craving for approval with displays of irrational bravado. Unfortunately for the Rich-twit, these displays usually do not achieve anything and, paradoxically, prevent the Rich-twit from getting the approval it needs. To the right we see an excellent specimen of a Histrionic Crowdcatcher (Grandstandinus Maniaci). This attention sucking bird is widely known as the Lookit-Me bird, because of its repetitive call of, "Hey_You! Lookit_Me Lookit_Me Lookit_Meee." A voracious feeder, this bird is truly a bottomless pit of neediness and will shamelessly charm, beg, threaten, clown around, dance, or sing as needed to keep everyones attention focused on itself. Seen here in a fairly typical pose caricaturing one of the June Taylor Dancers. .
Good on ya, bodiciah t rentlord III!
Thanks to Zaius Nation for including us on the link rolls, and thanks yet again for Jon Swift's "liberal" linking policy.
Everybody knows that Iraq and the State Department always keep meticulous records, yet somehow, something like 100,000 to 300,000 barrels of Iraqi oil vanishes under their very noses every day! For the last 4 years! Let's see, that adds up to between 1,460,000,000 and 4,380,000,000...whoa, that's a lotta...hey, there's an oil barrel in my neighbor's back yard! Time for an I Miss Fafblog, Spot Special Investigation!
Where was I? Oh yeah...I've dug around the Arboretum and the Lakeside Golf Course, and checked in back of P. F. Chang's, Bojangles, and Schlotzsky's Deli, but haven't had any luck recovering the missing oil. I know how to find it, though. There's a spot behind El Pollo Loco that shows promise. After that I'm going to investigate the Hamburg Pavilion over on the corner of Sir Barton Way and Man o' War Blvd. near exit 108, off of I-75.
Anyway, maybe the State Department should have a Department of Lost-and-Found. As an added incentive they could sweeten the deal by doling out a $2000 reward to me when I find the missing oil. Or maybe they should just have a kind of electronic tagging system for the Iraqi oil. Then they could stick a tag on each barrel of oil to prevent anyone but us from stealing it.
Is there a polite way to ask one's guests to leave once the party is over?
My country and I are very welcoming. We have opened our borders for four years to various soldiers, contractors, CIA agents, al-Qaeda terrorists, Abrams tanks and Apache helicopters, etc. I meekly confess we have a very pleasant backyard and have received much flattery from our guests. My country and I make a genuine attempt to provide a clean pool, delicious food, nice company, etc. Many of our visitors make remarks such as "I feel so at ease here!" or "I am so comfortable in your country!"
However, I feel that these guests have overstayed their welcome. I do not understand. Why is it that everybody just seems to love our country and never wants to leave?
After four years of this visiting, we are dropping delicate hints that it is late and we want things to end. We make sure we are seen cleaning up after car bombings and mortar fire. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has made comments such as "Gee, the hour grows late and I must rebuild Baghdad tomorrow." Muqtada al Sadr has tried shoving their teeth in with the muzzle of a .45 while suggesting that he's not kidding around. Now parliament is demanding a timetable for the withdrawal of U.S. soldiers and a freezing of current troop levels.
Nothing appears to work. Our entreaties are more or less ignored. How can we make our guests leave? My country and I are considering ceasing entertaining wholly!
Best wishes, Frustrated in Kadhimiyah,
Dear Frustrated in Kadhimiyah,
Slip mickeys into their Alabama Slammers and call for a taxi to take them home.
SAO PAULO, BRAZIL -- Pope Supremicus Magnifium Increate the Worldstomping touched down in Brazil Wednesday, where he expressed disdain for Mexico City politicians who voted to legalize abortion. When asked if they should be considered excommunicated, he told I Miss Fafblog, Spot! that "perhaps excommunication isn't enough," and cited something he called The Missile Principle. He went on to suggest that if the pilot program in Mexico was successful, the church would most certainly attempt to replicate it elsewhere. Then he laughed maniacally, bringing to an end the most unsettling Q & A this reporter has ever been a part of.
Don't Tell Anyone What Happened In The White House!
The firing of U.S. attorneys engulfs terror upon an unsuspecting attorney general, forever plagued by horrifying Bush family secrets, and today he must testify...again! In color.
The Awards Committee forgot to order a properly engraved trophy from Ken's Kitchen. This one will be replaced forthwith.
No. Your Other Mark
This week the crack writing team here at I Miss Fafblog, Spot! was confounded by a report from the Utah County Republicans convention, during which Satan's devious scheme to destroy the United States using illegal immigrants was debated. It was Ken who would, with a not insignificant amount of courage, post the news article unaltered, yet illustrated. For how do you satirize and make light by magnifying the absurdities of "reality" when it seems that it is "reality" which is mocking us?
Perhaps Mephistopheles was trying to destroy satire using illegal immigrants with a bank-shot off the zealots in the Utah County Republicans!
All hope was nearly lost before Mark R stepped forward with his holy absurdity shield and a John Lennon quote, which he wielded to repel Beelzebub's assault. (Though described here as "holy" due to the nature of the attack, I think the shield is actually made out of hard rubber or something.)
Mark R:
1) I enjoy satire as much as the next person, but to assist the reader in deducing that it IS satire, it is helpful to have clear indicators of the non-factual nature of the fictitious incident. Ken, this 'report' needs a little bit of work along those lines. It's not up to your usual very high standard.
2)With regard to "destroy[ing] Christian America and replac[ing] it with a godless new world order" - John Lennon set out this goal very clearly:
Imagine no religion It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today -
You may say that I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I just hope one day you'll join us And the world will be as one
Of course, the man who wrote those words was shot dead in front of his wife. Coincidence, or cosmic justice? You decide.
Corrections - in last paragraph above, for "man" substitute "foreigner", and insert "Asian Buddhist" prior to "wife."
Old Scratch is no match for you, Mark R! Nice job!
Of course, we may well end up in need of such a shield against cosmic justice as well, during this epic, convoluted battle of good, evil, moderately good, not exactly evil and morally equivocal.
In such trying times as these, it is good to have old friends-- like Doug Richardson and mistah charley, ph.d. with his many tendrils reaching into comment threads everywhere --sending links and traffic our way.
In which I will attempt to suit a single mannequin in an orgy of observation.
The Conservative coalition, in effect, comes down to us from Loyalists of the American Revolution. The exciting properties of conservatism coalesced in ancient America, and its constellation of political ideologies spread under different names in locales diverse as Georgia, Ohio, and the Arizona Territory; but we are surrounded, under our very eyes, by numerous examples of the inebriation caused by these curious emanations. Without speaking of those who, having smoked heaps of madak, often experience singular attacks of muddlement, it is well known that during the presidential harvest both male and female conservatives undergo identical effects. One could declare that from this harvest rises a peculiar malador which agitates their brains frightfully. The head of such a one is full of shrill warblings, sometimes pregnant with reveries of homoerotic marriage; at these times their limbs grow weak and refuse their commission. We have oft heard tales of somnambulation as having been frequent among the Southern Whigs, whose cause must be attributed to the Kansas-Nebraska Act. Who does not know also of the exagerrated behavior of free-market anti-interventionists come face to face with the regulation of industry, of the frenzied spectacle in Tennessee over a teacher's employment of the Hunter's Civic Biology, of the frightful palpitations induced by passage the Civil Rights Act? Repeated experiments in Denmark have shown that American conservatism possesses notable intoxicating properties, which for years past has attracted worldwide attention. It is noted, however, that Egypt, Persia, and Algeria enjoy similar properties, but to a lesser degree.
Powerful indeed, one might give the name 'conservative' to those in possession of inordinate sensibility without the controls that might moderate it.
Have you ever noticed that 45 things almost never add up to 45 things? Well, I have an update to the list: I need to donate blood and get Ken Mehlman aboard the campaign, and by the way fellas, that is a Manatee, or as it's more commonly known, a Sea Cow! Judith! JUDITH!!! What is Rita Hayworth doing going through my pile of hot-button issues?! Oh God, I have to EMPTY MY MIND!!! I hate getting side-tracked but Jeezus that Chris Matthews is dumb as a pile of rocks. At least he's no weak-kneed defeatist! Yellow to orange, orange to red, red to vermillion...you know, there are really dangerous people that want to come here and kill you! You bet! That's why it's crucial to return a Republican to the Oval Office on Election Day!
Sincerely yours, Rudy Giuliani
Dear Rudy,
I just recalled what it was like having you as mayor...
Like Laff-a-Lympics... On Caffeine Commentators, ink your quills. Lurkers, prepare to disenlurk.
QUESTION: What two figures, living, dead or inanimate; current, historical or fictitious; past, present or future; would you want to see 'throw down' -- and in what type of contest?
Answers may range from the thought-provoking: Average U.S. citizen circa 1998, with no knowledge of the past seven years vs. present day George Bush. -- Debate on the limits of executive power and/or allowable government behavior.
...to the traditional: Mark Twain vs. Ben Franklin. -- Contest to see who's more complimentary about the hypothetical dinner you've prepared for your favorite historical figures.
...to the ridiculous: Spaghetti vs. M1 Abrams tank. -- Beach volleyball.
...to the sublime: Baseball cap inverted and reversed into a "rally cap." vs. tree falling in the woods when nobody is around to hear it. -- Engineering contest to develop a space vehicle that can travel at speeds approaching the speed of light.
They may even have a theme: Zardoz vs. Mount Rushmore. -- Good, old fashioned rumble. (Sure there's four against one, but Zardoz can fly, and has guns!)
Remember, if you give your answer in the form of a comment, you'll automatically be in the running for Comment of the Week, Spot!
"Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants.
The group was unable to take official action because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the pleadings of party officials. The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.
Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.
In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants 'hate American people' and 'are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do.'
Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to 'destroy Christian America' and replace it with 'a godless new world order - and that is not extremism, that is fact,' Larsen said.
At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. 'by self invasion...'"
No question about it–escort services in our nation's capitol are looking for highly motivated young women who posses an overwhelming desire to pay off thousands of dollars in student loans and "work closely on a limited basis" with America's most brilliant minds. It takes a very special type of person to even consider fulfilling the erotic fantasies of political consultants and deputy secretaries in the Bush administration, and it requires a lot of hard work and commitment to make that a success.
Here are a few tips for anyone desperate enough to consider this part-time career: * Hold a college degree, masters degree, or ph.D * Take acting classes * Workout every day and watch what you eat * Familiarize yourself with the roadways and streets of the metropolitan D.C. area * Get letters of recommendation from your advisors and faculty members, members of the Administration, Dick Morris, and any other influential individuals who have "employed or supervised" you
WASHINGTON - I Miss Fafblog, Spot has learned that the White House has decided to auction the Iraq War on eBay rather than continue its bitter brawl with Congress over a withdrawal timetable attached to the latest Iraq spending bill. No one can predict how high the price will go, but the Bush Team has made it clear that they are aiming to rake in at least $124 billion.
"If it's really vital, then whatever it costs, somebody will buy it. If it isn't, well, it might help to throw in an MP3 player and some Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes," said Bobby Hornatts, author of "The Price Tag of Liberty," a book about the financing of America's wars.
"They had no idea what they were getting into cost-wise when they invaded Iraq," said Candy Kischkin, owner of Couture Candy, a boutique that features the sweetest fashions on earth.
Bush and his economic team defend the online auction as the price of national security.
"It's worth it," the president declares. "I wouldn't auction it if it wasn't worth it."
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