Blog Noir.An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.
--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
U.S. Bans Sale of iPods to North Korea
Responding to North Korea's nuclear test Oct. 9, the U.S. announced its intention to ban the sale of iPods and fatty tuna to that country's eccentric leader. U.S. Undersecretary of State for Political Affairs Nicholas Burns and Undersecretary of State for Arms Control and International Security Robert Joseph are scheduled to travel to the Apple Store and Super Strike Fishing Charters next week, White House officials said today, to lay the groundwork for the new sanctions.
"If you take away Kim Jong-il's access to meat from the belly of the bluefin tuna and the world's best-selling digital audio player and accessories, perhaps North Korea would freeze its existing nuclear program and agree to enhanced International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) safeguards," said Robert J. Einhorn, a former senior State Department official who visited North Korea. "It can't hurt, but whether it works, we don't know."
The Washington-based Personal Music Player and Sushi Industry Association said it supports the U.S. sanctions: "The thousands of Americans and Canadians who build, ship and sell iPods and catch tuna are patriots first," said Cap'n Healey, head of the trade group. He endorsed the ban "because of the the genuine dangers that our government is trying to stave off."
Prior to the establishment of the sanctions, intelligence sources believe that North Korea could have purchased an iPod online for Kim Jong-il's own personal use, and sliced raw fatty tuna served on a small portion of sweet vinegar rice for state dinners and late night snacks.
I'm flying out with the family tomorrow to spend a week in America's heartland celebrating the close of the harvest season with our relations. On Thanksgiving, we're going to have a meal just like the Wampanoag tribe and the Pilgrims had in 1621. That's why we're bringing a turkey! See you when I get back...
Mmmm, mmmm. There's no pie can hold a candle to good ol' Old Fashioned Chocolate Cream Pie!
"But what about good ol' Old Fashioned Banana Cream Pie?" You might ask. And you'd be right. Old Fashioned Banana Cream Pie is awesome! But this pie blog is about Old Fashioned Chocolate Cream Pie.
Old Fashioned Chocolate Cream Pie is really old fashioned. Dexter Darrelrod calls it the "primordial pie." In fact, many believe that Old Fashioned Chocolate Cream Pies hold the secrets of time itself. Through continued study, scientists believe the pies will eventually reveal to them the very nature of space and time and how the universe was born.
But you don't have to unlock the secrets of space-time itself to come to know the almost equally inconceivable deliciousness of this pie.
At the base is a simple pie crust, almost any crust will do; and it is topped with household whipped cream; but the mystery, and timeless magic, live deep inside. The filling is a very nearly euthanasic cocktail of egg, sugar, milk, unsweetened, non-alkalized, American-style cocoa powder, flour, cornstarch, salt, bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, unsalted butter, and vanilla extract, brought to a boil on the stove, poured into its shell and chilled to godlike perfection.
"Hey wait a minute!" You might say, "This filling isn't anything but chocolate pudding!"
To which I'd say, "Poppycock!"
To which you might say, "What's up with the perfectly smooth pudding skin surface, then?"
To which I'd, in turn, say, "You're darn right it's perfect."
But that surface you seem so scornful of, isn't pudding skin at all. What you are looking at is actually the event horizon; beyond which, there is a satisfactional field so intense that no appetite can escape. In fact, once within its grasp, nothing can escape it. Not even light.
To which you'd have nothing left to say but, "Wow. That's some darn serious pie!"
WASHINGTON -- The Pentagon has been without its chief watchdog for more than a year. As a result, the military has gone on a billions of dollars a month Iraq spending spree, while controversy continues over warrantless surveillance and missing weapons.
President George W. Bush's nominee for the watchdog job is being held up because lawmakers have raised concerns that he's "all bark and no bite."
The job was created by Congress more than a quarter century ago for an independent watchdog to sniff out fraud, mismanagement and abuses such as the infamously overpriced hammers and toilet seats that became past symbols of Pentagon waste.
Without a pack leader, the other Pentagon watchdogs have have been criticized as being too docile and responsive to human command to investigate Pentagon issues in Iraq and for refusing to get up off of the couch to examine the National Security Agency's electronic surveillance program.
The new watchdog's nomination came to a halt after he appeared before the Senate Armed Services Committee this summer and refused to to show the defense secretary 'who's boss' regarding involving national security and other sensitive matters.
Carl Levin, D-Mich., who will probably take over as chairman in January when Democrats assume control of the Senate, said the nominee's willingness to roll over and lick the defense secretary's hand jeopardized his independence.
"'NO, Stop that! Bad dog! I am very, very surprised by your behavior," Levin yelled. "That's not the way to establish yourself as leader of the pack. And I think this represents a departure in terms of the independence of the top dog."
There has been no action on the nomination since, leaving the Pentagon's top watchdog job vacant.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada - President Bush's wax likeness was viciously attacked at Madame Tussaud's celebrity waxworks in Las Vegas.
The president's paraffin head suffered about $25,000 in damages after a Madame Tussaud's visitor launched an assault upon it the day before last week's elections.
As the presidential replica was set upon, Secret Service agents leapt from the shadows. One jumped onto the back of the attacker while others shielded the fallen faux-president with their bodies until the FBI arrived. The attacker was put under arrest and is still being questioned.
"No one's pushed the wax-president over before," said the wax likeness of White House spokesman Tony Snow to wax likenesses of reporters in an extremely realistic tableau of a press briefing.
The back of Bush's head was damaged in the fall, "but he's been back on his feet for several days now," Snow said.
Wax President Vladimir Putin, former President Saddam Hussein, and de facto Libyan leader Muammar al-Qaddafi were unharmed in the melee.
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A drunken Elk has been terrorizing children at a school in southern Sweden.
"That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy Elk," a police officer in Molndal, told I Miss Fafblog, Spot.
The drunken gentleman in question appears to be a member of the Stockholm International Elks Lodge 243424. He was probably eating fermented apples from the free buffet at their Mortgage Burning Party and became inebriated, the police officer said.
Workers at the school described the erratic Lodge member as "completely mad".
"The children are really scared," the receptionist at the school near Molndal in southern Sweden told I Miss Fafblog, Spot.
Police have contacted hunters and if the Elk does not calm down, he could be shot.
New Penn Station Entrance NJ Transit announced Friday that it will open a new entrance to Penn Station.
The agency will build an entrance to the train station at 31st Street and Seventh Avenue that will allow commuters to walk directly from the street into the train station.
The nearly $4 billion project is expected to be finished sometime in 2018.
Crushed Bike A parked bicycle was crushed Friday after being struck by a van in Manhattan.
The incident happened around 2 a.m., where police say a delivery van was speeding on the east side of First Avenue near 16th Street when the driver lost control. The van skidded and hit a bike. The bicycle was crushed instantly.
Police say Erik Reynolds, the driver of the delivery van, was treated for minor injuries at Beth Israel, but his prime steaks, chops, best chickens, greatest produce, and a birthday cake were ruined.
The owner of the bike was delivering pizza when the accident occurred. The people who ordered it said he was very distraught at the loss.
Drug Kingpin Recalls "Super Time" Heroin Top drug lord "Milo" announced Thursday that he is recalling around 11 million bags of "Super Time" heroin, because some of the heroin has been contaminated with metal fragments from an exploded hand grenade.
Milo says his "quality control systems noted trace amounts of metal particulate in a very small number" of his product.
"I was going to buy some this afternoon in fact," said one youngish Williamsburg hipster. "I'd rather it doesn't have grenade fragments, so I'll take something else or a different brand name."
We just got back from megachurch, and what better time to do a little cleaning up than...uh oh, look at the pile of leaves I just found behind the Missing Fafblog picture of the week...this raking sure is hard work!
You bet they were! Of course you know Michelob (no substitutions, please) is great anytime, but did you know how well it pairs with meats, soups, snack-foods, sandwiches, tacos, pasta, pizza, seafood, Chinese takeout, cheese, fried onion rings, and poultry when the old 'hunger alarm' goes off? The clean, crisp and refreshing flavors complement lighter, moderately heavy, and even extremely heavy food. Try the lager tonight with one of my tasty one-pot wonders!
Ken's Saucy Pork Medallions 1 jumbo pork tenderloin (1-1/2 lb.) 2 tsp. oil 3 cups frozen Green Giant peas (no substitutions, please) 1 can (12 oz.) Heinz Home-style Turkey Gravy (no substitutions, please) 1/4 cup KRAFT Zesty Italian Dressing (no substitutions, please) 1 pkg. (6 oz.) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken, prepared as directed on package (no substitutions, please)
1. CUT pork crosswise into 3/4-inch-thick slices.
2. HEAT oil in large nonstick skillet on medium-high heat; add pork. Brown 5 min., turning once. Stir in peas, gravy and dressing; bring to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low. Spoon prepared stuffing around edge of skillet; cover. SIMMER 10 min. or until stuffing is heated through and pork is cooked through. Easy and delicious!
Weekender is a Division of Ken's Kitchen Product Placement Services
WASHINGTON -- The town is abuzz after drop-dead gorgeous Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman announced he is going to retire his tiara at the end of the year.
The White House is already searching for a replacement to lead the party into the 2008 presidential campaign cycle, sources tell I Miss Fafblog, Spot.
Our tippy-top sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Mehlman "was giggly and happy...with bangs," and that there is no dissatisfaction with his performance in the midterm cycle, discounting rumors that the newly-coiffed former chairman and his boss W weren't very "snuggly-wuggly" anymore.
Who's to replace the outgoing Mehlman? One name that keeps poppin' up like Crescent Rolls is Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele, who after losing his U.S. Senate race has been keeping "an amazingly low profile, just like his governorship." Holding his own in a field of newcomers, Steele was selected as the most exciting Black male and as the man most big donors would like to spend an evening with. Don't even bother lookin' further, Repubs, they don't come any hunkier!
Robert Gates, maverick former head pastry chef of the Central Intelligence Agency and Iran-Contra skater, desperately wants to continue to devote time and energy to his one overwhelming passion in life - the Bush School of Government and Public Service at Texas A&M University. However, former president George H.W. Bush won't allow that to happen as it might further expose his son's stupidity and ineptitude to the unwelcome attention of his superior, the masked Queen Yllana! So, until Gates can solve this invidious dilemma, he must continue to do the dirty work of his old boss, this time as secretary of defense while a chorus sings:
You will eat, bye and bye, In that glorious land above the sky; Work and pray, live on hay, You'll get pie in the sky when you die.
When Gates returns to Washington, he finds that some of his old friends and co-workers are impostors - there's even an anti-war faction led by an attractive, miniskirted scientist from Venus, named Talleah. He decides that something odd has happened, and is determined to find out what.
The Skipper is standing over a barbecue grill making breakfast. Dubya wanders on camera looking for something to do.
DUBYA Morning, Skipper!
SKIPPER Morning, Dubya.
DUBYA Can I help? (PAUSE) I know, sit down and shut up. That's what you always say when I ask if I can help.
SKIPPER I do!? Well... why would I say something like that?
DUBYA I dunno... because I always goof stuff up?
SKIPPER Of COURSE you always goof up, Dubya. But that's still no way to talk to my li'l buddy.
DUBYA You're right, it isn't.
SKIPPER Dubya, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry... I spout off without even thinking... no more... okay?
SKIPPER Good. I'll get this breakfast ready for the folks.
DUBYA Can I help, Skipper?
SKIPPER Sure you can, Dubya... sit down an' shut up!
MR REID (O.S.) Good morning, there!
Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi walk on camera.
MS PELOSI Good morning Dubya, good morning Dick... what's on the menu for breakfast today?
SKIPPER Eggs Benedict Arnold.
MR REID Oh good, our favorite! And we brought humble pie for you for dessert!
DUBYA Uh-oh Skipper, it's starting to rain. I just felt a rain drop on my nose... it's all wet!
MR REID That just means you're feeling feisty.
MS PELOSI Oh, Harry... that only applies to dogs! Ms Pelosi pats Dubya's suit. (CONTINUED) Hey, his coat IS wet.
SKIPPER Relax folks, it's just a November sprinkle. Believe me, when a REAL storm sets in, we'll feel it!
Just then a torrential down pour occurs. The Skipper and Dubya try to hide under Ms. Pelosi's parasol with Harry Reid, but there's no room. Dubya and the Skipper get completely soaked.
DUBYA This isn't a real storm, huh Skipper?
DUBYA When do you think the real big storm is gonna start?
SKIPPER Dubya, this is just a guess, but I'd say the real thing will start in about two years!
Dubya tries unsuccessfully again to take cover under the Ms Pelosi's parasol as the Skipper continues to stir his pan, which is filling up with water. He pours some of the water out and continues stirring as we...
"Hey, Gizzard," says me. "Our electoral system keeps on gettin weirder an stranger every time!"
"What makes you say that, Falkor?" Says Gizzard.
"How is it that Mr. Blonde's blond sister an Billy Ray Cyrusses' teenage daughter get to decide control a the Senate?" Says me.
"Why would we want it any other way?" Says Gizzard.
"One a them isn't even old enough to vote yet!"
"Don't you always say, 'the children are the future and they should have a say in what's going to happen,' Falkor?" Says Gizzard.
"Yeah, I guess I do," says me.
"Well?" Says Gizzard.
"Uhhh... Ok then. It's out of our hands now, anyway," says me.
The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.
New NAE president Ted Haggard hopes to update evangelicals' image
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. Ted Haggard, pastor of the 9,200-member New Life Church and president of the National Association of Evangelicals says, "for many people, the stereotypical image of an evangelical is a very serious old man with an expensive suit who is against whatever is happening that day." He has been working hard to change the image of staid Christians who often shun drugs and homosexual affairs with male prostitutes.
Haggard grew up in Indiana and graduated from Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Okla., before serving as a youth pastor at a Baptist church in Baton Rouge, La. In 1984, he and his wife, Gayle, visited Colorado Springs, where Haggard spent three days clubbing and taking poppers. That's when he says God told him to start a church where people could worship freely, whether that meant dancing, jumping, banging on a tambourine or "gettin' it on" with bodybuilders and personal trainers in Denver, Colorado.
Haggard is winsome, but he's not wishy-washy. He admits enhancing the image of evangelicals will be a big challenge. "I just hope and pray that the day of our love is at hand," he said, quoting Pete Shelley. "You and I, me and you, we will be one from two, understand?"
Okay. There's this club that I wanted to get into for a really long time. I checked it out and who their friends were and all. When I first had the courage to go register and join up, we really hit it off. Things went great for awhile, but now the clubmembers don't like me. I still stick with it 'cause, like, where else can I go to? I don't think they ever liked me. What should I do???
STAFFER - Mid to heavy lifting. Some tackling and punching. Good driving record. Will train. Wages open. Great opportunity. Joe Lieberman for Senate, 10 Columbus Boulevard Hartford, CT 06106. Call 860-244-2006 Monday-Friday, 8-5