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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Prayers from the Closet


Recently, my newest friend Mr. Carbonetti has invited me to New York City to help the flagging presidential campaign of his friend, America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. In particular, they are worried about the growing appeal of Mike Huckabee, who apparently talks to God on the phone.

Was Mike Huckabee really talking to God on the phone? I say no, because God has no need to use a phone to communicate. It is like saying the Holy Ghost rang your doorbell and impregnated your wife. The Holy Ghost has no need to pass through doors! He can simply float down through the ceiling with a bouquet of roses or a tasteful floral seasonal arrangement, a fine Merlot, then a little sweet talk and a little ghost action, and nine months later the baby mama has a human-ghost hybrid which is all the talk of the medical world!

But my point is not just that the pretender Huckabee was feigning talking with God, but that his public piety marks him as a hypocrite, and so “woe unto you,” Mr. Huckabee (Matthew 23:25)! The Book of Matthew tells us: “ when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly,” (6:6). In other words, you don’t talk to God in front of a large audience! You do that in the closet, with the door shut!

I know that as a child, I was so spiritually precocious that I spent most of my time in the closet. Indeed, my friend Mr. Patel recently complimented me by saying that I keep one foot permanently in the closet even when I am not inside the rectory! Since I have come into adulthood, I spend a much greater portion of my time in the closet praying, just as Matthew recommended. The rest of it is simply research. After all, if the best way to solve a crime is to think like a criminal, a clergyman would be remiss if he didn’t spend time thinking like a sinner!

But so many of you have said to me: “Reverend Cavendish, if God really does not have Huckabee’s number, yet I must still not abandon God’s Own Party, who is left besides cheating, abortionist-loving liars from blue states?” And it enriches me each time I tell you that there is a candidate a God-fearing person like yourself can support! That man is none other than Rudolph William Louis Giuliani.

I can hear you saying to yourself: But isn’t that the man who has been married three times, the third time after a pair of well-publicized adulterous relationships? Isn’t that the man whose business partner and former police chief is accused of defrauding the city by using a public space for an adulterous love nest? And doesn’t he himself stand accused of using public funds to guard and transport him to adulterous trysts? If this is all true, how could I vote for him?

To which I would respond with a simple question: When did it become wrong to be an adult? Indeed, adultery is proof that America’s mayor is capable of providing adult leadership. And remember what First Corinthians tells us about satisfying needs:

I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

Clearly, America’s Mayor was burning. Because of 9/11, he was burning so much that marrying twice could still not contain. It is better to marry than to burn. So he married again. How many times has Mitt Romney married?

I ask you, if it is a matter of a Mormon who marries too few times, or a Catholic who marries too many times, which one do you trust? Let’s check that good book once more:

To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. (1 Corinthians 7:2)

By my count, America’s Mayor has avoided fornication three times to Massachusetts’ Governor one. There is no avoiding the conclusion that Romney is three times the fornicator that Giuliani is!

But, you ask, is it fair to have had the New York Police Department drive his mistress around and help her walk her dog? Today’s final reading is once again from First Corinthians:

But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:33)

Indeed, now that Ms. Nathan is Mrs. Giuliani, the Holy Bible retroactively endorses his attempts to please her! And, to paraphrase the sainted Margaret Hamilton, her little dog, too.

You may still be skeptical, and more than one of you has pointed to the new satellite dish and jacuzzi behind the Rectory and asked whether my endorsement of America’s Mayor is just expedience. I ask, was it political expedience when Pat Robertson endorsed him?

In closing, I would like to point out that you will never hear Rudy Giuliani take a call from God in front of an audience. It is true he took a call from his wife in front of one. But this just shows how much he constantly burns! I am sure he burns so much that he spent whole days with her in the spacious closets of Gracie Mansion!

In short, it is because he burns that you can trust him. Randy, er, Rudy needs it so much that his adultery and multiple wives can only be seen as proof that he is using the cure authorized by God. Who knows what cures those single marriage candidates are using?

For instance, with respect to Mr. Huckabee, it would be irresponsible not to ask whether pretending to get calls from God isn’t a way to deflect attention from those rumors about frequent visits from the Holy Ghost?



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