By Free Market Squirrel

We on the right know that the market is the most efficient way to deliver Health Care.¹ Sure, people don’t deserve to die because they don’t have enough money to be cured – we acknowledged that when we complained about “death panels.” The only reason they do now is because of market distortions.

By this logic, the market should also be the best way to guarantee other basic things people need at the lowest cost. Not many Republicans have the political courage to acknowledge this argument in public. But here at the Cato Institute, Free Market Squirrel has never lacked the courage of his convictions.

For these reasons, I propose the following revision to the Bill of Rights, with more liberty than before – I've added Naming Rights!

The New and Improved Yahoo! Bill of Rights

1. The Western Union First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting those establishments of religion able to purchase one of five “speech indulgences” auctioned off at the annual First Amendment Auction; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, as long as individuals or news organizations restrict themselves to using only the vowels they have bought at the Wheel of Fortune event at the annual First Amendment Auction; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble on land they own, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances using telegrams purchased at participating Western Union outlets.

2. The Remington Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, with the definition of Militia provided by the National Rifle Association’s Institute for Legislative Action.

3. The Ramada Inn Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace or war be quartered in any house, provided the owner pays the Soldier a “Freedom Isn’t Free” indemnity equal to the price of a single room at a nearby Ramada Inn.

4. The Xe Services Fourth Amendment

The right of the corporations to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated. People not so much. Warrants have probable cause if and only they are attached to the barrel of a gun owned or leased by Xe Services.

5. Liz Claiborne’s Fifth Amendment

On the first day of every month, each county shall auction off twelve places on its Grand Jury. No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of that Grand Jury; nor shall any person who grants one wish to each member of that Grand Jury be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb. No one shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without at least some minimal process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, unless the Grand Jury deems the person a “fashion victim.”

6. The Orbitz Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, judges will be allowed to use a “tiered service” model to charge the accused a graduated fee that determines the speed of their public trial, the distance of the trial from the place where the crime was committed, and the amount of information the accused receives about the nature and cause of the accusation. The accused has the right to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense, as long as each is transported to the trial using the best fare obtained through Orbitz’s “Low Fare Promise.”

7. The Kelly Services Seventh Amendment

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by a jury shall be preserved. Anyone summoned by a jury shall have the right to hire a temporary “Kelly Services Temp Juror” to take their place. No fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law, barring a Warrant of the kind described in the Fourth Amendment (see above).

8. The ABC/Disney Eighth Amendment

Bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed in excess of the value of the defendant’s home and car. Cruel and unusual punishments shall not be inflicted, except when demanded by a plurality of telephone voters who are watching it on television.

9. The Church of the Latter Day Saints Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, except for teh gay.

10. The Goldman Sachs Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve.

I'm off to run up Milton Friedman's leg and see if I can find a nut. Seriously, though, this is what's coming, so if you don't like it, move to North Korea. Love, Free Market Squirrel.

1. “The central purpose of President Bush's health policy, and John McCain's, is to reduce the role of insurance and make Americans pay a larger part of their health care bills out of pocket. Their embrace of market forces, fierce antagonism toward government, and determination to force individuals to have more "skin in the game" are overriding — all other goals are subsidiary. Indeed, the Republican commitment to market-oriented reforms is so strong that, to attain their vision, Bush and McCain seem willing to take huge risks with the efficiency, equity, and stability of our health care system… A side effect of the McCain plan would be to threaten access to adequate insurance for millions of America's sickest citizens.” Dr. David Blumenthal, “Primum Non Nocere — The McCain Plan for Health Insecurity”

… of 1991

• “Remember Fort Hood” says the Colorado billboard implying President Obama is a dangerous Muslim.

"Since Fort Hood, I've had it," owner Phil West told FOX 31 News Friday. "You can't suggest things. You can't profile. You gotta call a spade a spade."

"Everything I have read about Mr. Obama points right to the fact that he is a Muslim. And that is the agenda of what Muslim is all about. It's about anti-American, it's about anti-Christianity," West said.

• “The man who did that shooting in Texas…” muttered the woman shopping in the Jewel grocery store before assaulting another shopper, a Palestinian-American woman in the hijab.

A suburban Chicago woman has been charged with a hate crime for allegedly yanking the head scarf of a Muslim woman in Tinley Park two days after the shootings at Fort Hood, Texas.

Where were these bigots when, in 1991, the worst massacre in Texas was committed in the town of Killeen, next to Fort Hood? George Hennard killed 23 people in a local restaurant.

George Hennard didn’t look like Barack Obama or Amal Abusumayah. His father, Dr. Georges Marcel Hennard, was actually not from the Middle East, but from Europe – Switzerland, to be exact. What was the agenda of George Hennard? We know this about him:

"He hated blacks, Hispanics, gays. He said women were snakes," recalls Jamie Dunlap, who briefly shared an apartment with Hennard in Temple, Texas, that year.

Let’s for a moment accept the idea of these bigots who think that the more recent shootings at Fort Hood tell us something bad about people who share the shooter’s ethnic background or belief system.

If that is true, then the 1991 shootings there tell us something twice as bad about them!

Of course, both propositions are false – but it is sad how people generalize when the perpetrator is from a minority group, but completely fail to do so when they are from the dominant group.

• Thinking of committing an atrocity?
• Frustrated at your former boss/girlfriend/lifecoach, are you going to bust into their workplace/daycare/muffler store and murder everyone indiscriminately?
• But you’re worried about the hard time and humiliation that is sure to follow?

At Blackwater Massacre Legal Services (BMLS) we’re here to help.

Once we, too, were in your position. Our guys had just massacred 17 Iraqi civilians because… well, we don’t really know why. There were cars in the way, and they didn’t move fast enough – you know the drill. It has been reported that:

At 12:08 p.m., at least one guard began to fire in the direction of a car, killing its driver. A traffic policeman said he walked toward the car, but more shots were fired, killing a woman holding an infant sitting in the passenger seat.

But honestly, who the hell knows? Despite the fact that there have been five investigations launched, not one American contractor has been punished.

Why not?

That’s where BMLS comes in. We’ve taken our experiences with the Nisour Square killing spree and turned it into a proven method to evade justice.

The key here is to realize that justice is a relative concept. If our guys had been real soldiers, do you think they would have avoided discipline? If this happened to American civilians, do you think this wouldn’t have been the trial of the century? Not bloody likely.

We have distilled our experience to two core principles:

1) Justice isn’t blind. To money.

In 2007, we spent over a million dollars to bribe Iraqi officials “to silence their criticism and buy their support”. And we can do it for you.

However, we’ve found that principle number one works best when the government is a client state of our own. So we invented principle number two.

2) Outsource your atrocity.

Let’s say you just got fired from your job in a canning factory. Iraq has canning factories! We can fly you out, put you up in deluxe accommodations, and drive you out to the canning factory in a well-appointed SUV with a wet bar. As we approach it in a heavily-armed convoy, you can sit at the window and fire away. Alternatively, Afghanistan has numerous high schools, and Haiti has many post offices.

Here at BMLS, our motto is: Immunity from prosecution isn’t cheap. But aren’t you worth it?

Dear MSM,

I am sooooooooooo tired of BHO being Mr. Popular Guy! My daddy RBC taught me that being true to yourself means never giving an inch, and that nothing is worth having if someone else gives it up voluntarily. So I know BHO is doing something wrong if people like him so much and give him free stuff.

If people give you something, it can only be because they think you’re a patsy. Sure, not having any friends was difficult growing up, but I persevered because I knew having friends shows you don’t believe in your own dominance. Besides, I had my broom-puppet Ayn and my mechanical-puppy Pacemaker to keep me company. Have you ever heard the expression “a friend in need is a friend indeed?” Well, between injections, my mother LAVC always said that the logical extension of this was that the only reason people want to be your friend is that they want something from you.

Awards are only worth something if they are pried out someone else’s cold, dead hands. Like Saddam’s pistol. Would you rather have something given you for “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples” or something that damn well demonstrated your superior strength to said international peoples? At SMU they know which one they’d rather have. If this isn’t a no-brainer to you, then, frankly, you’re toast because I live on your planet, and I’m freaking going be Queen of the Freaking Galaxy.

But the joke is on him. I’m going to tell everyone that BHO has friends, and LOTS of them. That will embarrass him and force him to act selfishly to dispel the rumor. Then he’ll be really lonely, and people will think he is really selfish, and I won’t look nearly as creepily spiteful and sanctimoniously self-interested.

Memo to self: Need a tiara that shoots freaking laser beams.

Sincerely,

LC (QFG)

A law firm acting on on behalf of the citizens of the United States filed suit earlier today seeking to recover nearly 10 trillion dollars that was lost during a single presidential administration. The suit cites criminal negligence, gross incompetence, and "acts deliberately contrary to the oath of office," among other things and includes a 937 page list of specific events ranging from the 1999 election irregularities to the 2008 transference of public funds to Wall Street.

A spokesperson for the defendants told reporters that the suit was clearly politically motivated and, further, that United States citizens had not taken advantage of opportunities to research the facts for themselves and thereby acquire an informed opinion.

The suit alleges that citizens unable to think clearly because they were enticed by Nationalistic Glory and driven by blatant fear mongering.

It's September 11 again, and you know what that means. That's right - it's the Ethiopian New Year bringing in the year 2002. It's a day of hope and joy because, in the alternate reality of the Ethiopian Calendar; there is still time to shut off the TV, pry our butts out of the LaZBoy, and stop all the invading, torturing and illegal wiretapping. Not to mention using Borrow 'n' Squander as economic policy. Matter of fact I think I'll go do that now, you know, right after this football game is over.

Dear Spot,

You know how I told you that we'd be able to get you that hip replacement just as soon as the Preznit got this health care mess all sorted out?

Well, maybe not... on account of I'm reading in the Blogtubes that the Preznit is about to sell us out and let the Republicans kill the public option in exchange for 0 votes. I know, it's a pretty steep bargain there, but hopefully all those Republican ideas that get worked into the legislation will make it so great that it will TOTALLY ROCK and we will forget all about that poor public option in the woozy aftermath of realizing how awesome tiny little toothless co-ops are. They sure are cute, especially when they try to gum an acorn. Squee!

But I got to thinking, Spot -- oh yes, I know I've been told not to do that but it sometimes still happens... sort of like ghost limb pain after an amputation, except in this case my head is still mostly there. But anyway, with a head full of hurt and a heart full of sadness, I thought this:

Back before Obama was a Senator, he said we needed single payer health care in this country. Said it wouldn't be easy, and might take place in small steps over a couple of decades, but that's what we really need to fix us up. Single Payer, baby. It's what's for dinner. In 2027.

Well later, after being a Senator and all, when he was a Prez-o-dential candidate -- he said that any meaningful health care reform must contain a public option large and big and huge enough to have sufficient clout to bargain down costs and keep the insurance industry honest -- otherwise the whole dang thing wouldn't work. Sure did. You can look it up.

Nowadays, Preznit Obama is telling us that a public option is important, but not that important.... except that it is, but it's really just a sliver, and definitely isn't the thing we should be focused on to the exclusion of all others in our debate -- like, for instance, the 'Don't Eat So Much' provisions that will help us not eat so much, and the 'Death Panels', which actually look pretty great when you tack them to the side of an Econoline van -- on account of they are all Heironymus Bosch type of spooky! Then Obama says, "Wait -- this isn't even the public option you were looking for!" while kind of wiggling his hand around. And we go, "Wait, what? Yes it is, it's exactly the one we were looking for." Then he starts talking about how good the soup is.

Well, even though the soup really is pretty dang good, the poor public option has clearly now fallen on hard times, status wise. It's sort of lying on the ground right now, not moving at all. Kind of like a potato. Or that ball lying there, which has a bell inside and is pink and smells like peanut butter.

I have another wave of painful thought, and say, "We must ask ourselves a few questions about this potato, Spot. For the good of the country, and for potato(e)s everywhere. First, let me ask you one:

Me: Why would a prezit want to turn the public option into a pink ball... potato?

Spot Licks his chops and whines a little bit.

Me: Right. He could just be hungry.

Spot: Growls at the floor, and picks up the ball in his mouth and thrashes his head side to side for a little bit, and drools on my shoe.

Me: Right again. He might just hate that potato now! Er, public option. Maybe it tastes bad?

Spot: Lies on floor and ogles the ball wistfully with dreamy eyes, every so often nudging it a bit closer to me.

Me: Reaches down and picks up the ball.

Spot: Howls a keening cry of loss and woe!

Me Oh. Oh right. I squint and my mouth moves a little. Hey! Maybe he loves it so much, he's afraid to lose it. Hmm. So maybe by not being all handsy and kissyface with it in public he's hoping nobody else will want to pick it up one night when he pops out for a burrito, or something. Maybe he was hoping that by the time everything needed to be put all together nobody would even know that ball... er, potato was even there. I mean look at it! It's small and pink and round and it has a bell in. Plus it smells like Skippy. Who would be afraid of that?

Spot: Makes a complicated series of facial gestures that I take to mean, 'Well, either that or he sold out all of his principles for a couple of votes!

Me: That is ridiculous! He has a filibuster proof majority in the Senate, and a huge majority in the House!

Spot: Grabs a pen, and writes this:

"Rahm says we still don't have the votes."

Us, in unison: Rahm is going to steal the potato!!!


Later on, after I beat Spot repeatedly at UNO, Spot writes a final note:

"Hip still hurts"

Me: There, there, Spot. I'll just sell some more plasma. Only 223 pints to go! I pass out.

Spot hides the ball... potato... public option under the sofa, then limps out to find a torpid squirrel.

Meanwhile.... I dream. I dream of pie. Sweet potato pie. And there's plenty for everybody.


The potato under the couch that is actually a ball but is really the public option is oddly quiet. But under the couch is a pretty safe place to be around here, as places go. Maybe it'll be safe there. Who knows?


The End.

Well, Spot, the magnitude of the real terrorist threat has finally been revealed. Turns out it was the Great White Peril all along. Seems the sea ice has just been pretending to be all innocent and inanimate. It all makes sense now. I guess the Titanic was sank by an anarchist suicide ice berg, an unacknowledged victim of Ice Terror. And those semiliterate sons a the south with their Iced Tea. Yeah, now I get it, Ice T - obviously a recognition code for the Klans of Ice Terror. An the 'Tee Shirts' Hah. Tee for Terrorist, you mean. An' the sweaty hordes of global warming deniers? Oh yeah, all clapping they hands together an chantin "I do believe, I do, I do" to bring back Tinkerbelle the Ice Fairy to freeze the Arctic Ocean solid, just so swarthy hordes a Afghani Mongols can ride they camels right across the Pole, stoppin only for free medical care in Canada, to rape pillage and burn these United States of America. Why? Oh, why do conservatives want to be raped and pillaged so bad?

Horizontally Mobility

Of course there is little social mobility in a classless society like the United States. If there are no class differences then, by definition, it is not possible to move to a different class. In the United States, there do exist large differences in personal wealth and opportunity but these are based entirely on personal worthiness rather than social class. The point is well made in the following clip taken from The Ayn Rand Institute's annual presentation of, "Them that have - deserve more, and them that have little - deserve nothing."



ABOVE: A group of the most privileged, and therefore most virtuous, political elite meet to work out details of new social legislation.

It's been a long time since I played Monopoly. But, AIR, it was kind of old fashioned. Maybe we could update to Monopoly for the New Millennium™ with some new rules.

#1. Any player who accumulates some arbitrarily large amount of assets becomes "Too Big to Fail" (TBF). Players belonging to the TBF Club would still use their own funds for voluntary investments, but the bank would assume any risks for them. Meaning the bank will pay all rents, fines, taxes... for them. Members of the TBF Club must roll any number larger than one to get out of jail, and on each turn they will be allowed six rolls of the dice to do so.

#2. Eventually the bank will run out of bills. Whenever this happens a Correction takes place before the next players turn. In a Correction round, each and every player shall return half (50%) their cash to the bank. In addition, the player with the smallest amount of cash on hand becomes The Deadbeat.

#3. On becoming The Deadbeat, that player must immediately forfeit all properties, excepting that they may keep one property with one motel to live in. Also The Deadbeat has no credit rating and is not allowed to borrow money from anyone until such time as another player becomes The Deadbeat.

Ooooh! Twinkaleey!!!
Whooosh..tik.tik.tik.ita.tik.tik.tak.ata.click hey
howfastcanUadd-hey-lookee over there thatn's faster.. It's like a freee slot machine wi'than invisible crank. Sure, I sed Crank-heeheehee, I sed Crank It Up BABY go
Whooosh..tik.tik.tik.ita.tak.tik.ata.click Hah!!
Tweak them Engines a Wall, Street, Pro-form-man cranker yankin foolz. Uhuh! Anybody can play - it dont cost nuthin!
Whooosh..tik.tik.tik.ita.tik.tik.tak.ata.click Oh
It dont cost nuthin'cuz itsa Freee Market! No money down!
Just crank it Free
an yank it Free
an Mark It UP!
Whooosh..tik.tik.tik.ita.tak.tek.ata.clack No!

...
OK Aren'tcha glad it's not really real money? Say, how about we go see that special friend of ours. We'll stop by the ATM first, I can still get another hundred out of the Visa.
...
whaddaya mean, "the dealer is dry"? What about Juan?
...
Busted again,eh?
...
No, no, no, very bad idea. Wang still thinks I owe him, an he's not a patient guy
...
...
...
I feel like shit. Bad, really bad, man. You know, if you sit back here and just look at that screen, it looks just like a bunch of cockroaches in the refrigerator. Good thing it's not real money. I wish I really had some real money. You know, like, win the lottery and have a whole damn million dollars to spend. It's hard to even imagine that much money in one place, you know?

There is nothing you can do that can't be done!

I do not need Health Insurance. Excepting, that Health Insurance is a source of Comfort and Wealth to the Masters of said Enterprise and a Source of devious subsistence to the divers toilers in its Cause, no Person of this Earth needs Health Insurance. I need Medical Care. Had I funds sufficient to Indulge in Health Insurance, I would have Funds sufficient for obtaining Medicines and Medical Services directly.

 

An April Department of Homeland Security report warned that "a prolonged economic downturn—including real estate foreclosures, unemployment, and an inability to obtain credit. . . present unique drivers for rightwing radicalization and recruitment." Of course, the right wing, complicit in disinforming us about the true nature of the threat, cried foul. James Dobson, on Sean Hannity's program after the DHS report came out said:

There are no Timothy McVeighs out there right now. They're making a big deal out of something that hasn't happened and may not happen.

Well, the killers of (from left to right) 1) Stephen Tyrone Johns at the National Holocaust Museum, 2) Dr. George Tiller at the Reformation Lutheran Church, 3) Over 100,000 Iraqis, beg to differ! 

And those are just the examples that make it past the conservative media filter.

In some cases, right wing terrorists are literally following in McVeigh’s bootsteps. Take the person who torched the CANDLES Holocaust Museum in Terre Haute, Indiana: 

The museum was destroyed Nov. 18, 2003, when police say someone torched the small brick building and wrote "Remember Timmy McVeigh" on the side of the museum.

The woman who founded the museum, Auschwitz survivor Eve Mozes Kor, was interviewed about today's shooting at the National Holocaust Museum. She said something that is very true, and also, indirectly, a good indictment of much of what passes for political discourse in the media.

Holocaust Museum founder Eva Kor says the shooting shows that "when a person clings to hatred, it can only end in destruction."

"He's lovely, but not half as lovely as Ludmila of Bohemia."

ETHNIC PERIL TO OUR HIGHEST COURT

A special Friday minisermon by Rev. Cavendish

Friends:

Our Constitution is in peril. 

So much so that Newt Gingrich has written:

We need YOUR help to take this fight to Capitol Hill. Please consider supporting Renewing American Leadership with a generous donation today. $25, $50, or $100 will dramatically help us stand strong for the Rule of Law in America!

When such an ideologically pure man as Newt starts raising money, you know he must be sincerely worried about the fate of the Republic! What is threatening the "Rule of Law in America"? 

Well, the former Republican House speaker has gone on record opposing the nomination to the Supreme Court of Judge Sonia Sotomayor on the grounds that the following statement is racist:

I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.

While I rarely disagree with Newt Gingrich, since he is a well-informed and widely-quoted wise man of Washington, in this case I make an exception. No, not because the remark was in the context of a discussion of discrimination cases, ones in which experience as a minority might well provide insight into the nature of discrimination to which a person in the majority, who has not experienced it, has less access. Rather, because the oft-married moralist has TAKEN HIS EYE OFF THE REAL THREAT TO OUR WAY OF LIFE.

By that I mean the VERY REAL POSSIBILITY that our High Court will be swept up in POLKA MADNESS!

Feast your eyes on what another ethnic Supreme Court nominee said about the importance of experience in his confirmation hearings:

I always insisted when I was a lawyer about getting out into the field and seeing. If I was arguing a case involving native villages in Alaska, I went to the villages. If I was arguing a case about an assembly line, I went to the assembly line. You had to see where the case was going to have its impact and what it's impression was going to be on people.

Oh, my. I suppose if you ever review Roe v. Wade, you'll get yourself "knocked up"? Sounds suspiciously like Sotomayor. 

Can you guess who said that?

I'll tell you. Roberts. John Roberts. Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Are you afraid?

No, maybe not yet. Because Roberts sounds like an American name. But what would you say if I told you John Roberts was just passing for American?

Now are you afraid?

John Roberts’ mother was Rosemary Podrasky, and his great grandfather was Jacob Podrasky, an immigrant from Czechoslovakia. While Roberts is part English and part Irish, he is FULLY ONE HALF CZECH.

That’s right. Just wait until he gets a chance to decide a school prayer case. BAM! All American children forced to pray to craven images of Ludmila of Bohemia! 

Should children sing the national anthem? BAM! Yes: “Kde domov muj?” 

Bilingual education? BAM! Yes, Czech and Slovak! And Old Church Slavonic, if you want to get old school about it.

NOW are you afraid?

And Newt is worried about Latinas?

Was Marie Fikácková, who killed ten newborn babies a Latina? No. How about Olga Hepnarová, who intentionally drove a truck into a crowd of 25 people? I think not. Václav Mrázek? No. Petr Zelenka? No. No Latinas. All famous Czech mass murderers.

NOW ARE YOU AFRAID?

Write your congressman in Washington. Before you have to write to him in Prague!

Amen.

don't want the Mexican Flu
sure don't got any Mexican Flu
'Cause whenever you say the word MEXICAN
somebody's mad at you

can't have no flu that's Swine
just can't say that flu is Swine
'cause if people think you get Swine Flu from pigs
then pork they stop buyin'

got no use for H1N1
mighty lame name H1N1
'cause clearly announciating four distinct syllables in one name
just ain't American

pronouncin' H1N1 as Hun Nun is no good
callin' it the Hun Nun Flu just ain't any good
'cause when the Huns and the Nuns are all pissed at you
you know you're probably screwed


call it the Al Quaida Flu
Call it the Al Quiada Flu
for one thing they're already mad at us and for another you never know
when the AQ Flu will turn and kill you

The U S and A witnessed a great eruption of democracy recently, as protesters wielding bags of tea gathered together in groups large and small across this great nation, unified by their shared principles... bound together by their shared susceptibility to propaganda... marching along smartly behind a madly piping Joe the Plumber, blowing his drainpipe bassoon of doom. Yes, we all saw it on our televisions and our internets and marveled at our brave new world that has such people in, around, and on it.

However, all this brotherly and sisterly right wing oneness was marred somewhat by the giggling lefty chorus, who sang the haunting refrain from Kermit Muldoon's little known turn of the century Operetta, 'Of Tea, Bags, and Baggers! OH MY!'
Yes, Teabaggers. At first, the loving right wing throngs were confused.... some were heard to say, 'Why yes! We have teabags, which we brandish in order to illustrate the evils of taxation without representation, even though we have representation, but anyway, since we do this because we love our country then by all means... call us Teabaggers. Teabaggers for Freedom.'

Well, it all turned into an unfortunate misunderstanding. A kerfuffle, if you will. The phrase, "He said Teabagger... heh heh heh," was oft heard. A joyous day for America, during which a few Americans had planned to make a whole bunch of spurious and outrageous character based accusations against a bunch of their fellow Americans while the FoxNews cameras whirred and purred and the FoxNews anchors looked on and preened and simped -- well it was ruined, ruined I tell you! In the end, the main image people came away with from the whole shebang was that of a ballsack draped chin. Dark days, friends. These are dark days.

But you know, then I got to thinking.

What if, back in the day, when Rumsfeld and Cheney got together and decided that Enemy-Combatant-Al-Quaida-Type War-On-Terror-Radical-Islamist-Detainees-Who-Hate-Us-For-Our-Freedoms maybe should be waterboarded and then asked some tough questions..... well what if they were thinking of this?

Water. Boards. Waterboarding.

In your mind's ear, you might be hearing Dick Cheney saying something like, "Heck Yes, Rummy! That'll give them a taste of the freedom they so despise! Then they'll be putty in our hands, see? Putty!"

Hmm.

Nah. I'm pretty sure they meant the evil kind, you know, what with them being evil and all. Evil.

Still, If I were Rumsfeld's or Cheney's attorney, this is exactly what I would be doing. I would be creating the, "What? We thought it meant, you know, surfing..." defense.

Dark Days. Dark Days, Indeed.

Cowabunga, America.

When they came for the dopers
I remained silent - Because I’m not a junkie or a dirty hippy
When they went after the crack dealers
I approved – because I’m afraid of saggy pantsed gang bangers
When they renditioned Abu the goatherd
I paid the bill – because those ragheads just might be dangerous
When they rounded up the illegal aliens
I cheered – because I have blue eyes, I’m obviously American
When they tapped my phone, without any cause
Secretly searched my apartment, without any warrant
Demanded to see my identification papers, without any explanation
I did not care – because I thought I had nothing to hide
Now I fear...



I fear there is nowhere to hide.

Rising Hegemon points out a post titled: “Hmmm . . . At Immigration Center Site of Rampage, Aliens Taking Citizenship Test Didn’t Speak English”. In this callous screed, frequent New York Post columnist Debbie Schlussel has a Malkinesque moment:

But there’s an interesting piece of info that’s come out in the reporting and it may point to immigration fraud at the center. . . Too many people who don’t speak English game the system and get citizenship.

So fourteen people, including students, a receptionist, and a teacher, are brutally murdered, and the deeply compassionate Ms. Schlussel summons outrage about. . . the victims’ trying to gain citizenship without knowing enough English?

Never mind that subsequent reporting shows that they were actually taking classes to improve their English prior to taking citizenship tests, completely negating the validity of her thesis.

No, the real problem here is that more than a dozen people here were just killed in cold blood and the response is to baselessly accuse the victims of an unrelated issue. It is all about you, after all.

That said, here at IMF,S, we are never ones to miss a breaking trend. So, here are some other recent tragedies that Schlussel appears to have missed:

[February 13, 2009] The crew of the plane that crashed into a house near Buffalo on Thursday night discussed a “significant ice buildup” on the wings before an accident that killed all 49 people on board and one person on the ground.

There’s an interesting piece of info that’s come out in the reporting about the Buffalo plane crash. Apparently that house in Clarence Center, N.Y. was there because immigrants settled the area in 1823. Apparently Clarence Center was originally called Van Tines Corners. Typical of today's rampant immigration fraud, this bunch of Dutchmen have been “passing” as Clarence Center. So, you can see that it weren’t for those immigrants, the house wouldn't have been there, and the plane would have never hit it!

[March 6, 2009] The wife of Zimbabwe’s Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai has been killed in a car crash in which he was also slightly hurt, party officials say.

There’s an interesting piece of info that’s come out in the reporting about Susan Tsvangirai. The truck that crashed into her car was a Nissan. Is it any coincidence that another Japanese, Admiral Chuichi Nagumo, was designated by Emperor Hirohito to lead the attack on Pearl Harbor in a Japanese vehicle less than a century ago? Probably both Tsvangirai and Yamamoto would be alive today if those dashboard control labels had been written in English!

[March 18, 2009] Actress Natasha Richardson died Wednesday at age 45 after suffering a head injury during a beginners’ ski lesson.

There’s an interesting piece of info that’s come out in the reporting about Natasha Richardson’s ski accident, which illustrates the danger of even a bunny hill… if it is located in a bilingual country. Apparently all the signs at the “Mont” Tremblant ski resort in Quebec were in French and English, causing emergency personnel to take twice as long to read them, delaying crucial medical attention. If only more rich liberals understood how “English Only” saves lives, they'd be alive today! But, if they understood it, they wouldn't be liberals, would they?