By Free Market Squirrel

We on the right know that the market is the most efficient way to deliver Health Care.¹ Sure, people don’t deserve to die because they don’t have enough money to be cured – we acknowledged that when we complained about “death panels.” The only reason they do now is because of market distortions.

By this logic, the market should also be the best way to guarantee other basic things people need at the lowest cost. Not many Republicans have the political courage to acknowledge this argument in public. But here at the Cato Institute, Free Market Squirrel has never lacked the courage of his convictions.

For these reasons, I propose the following revision to the Bill of Rights, with more liberty than before – I've added Naming Rights!

The New and Improved Yahoo! Bill of Rights

1. The Western Union First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting those establishments of religion able to purchase one of five “speech indulgences” auctioned off at the annual First Amendment Auction; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, as long as individuals or news organizations restrict themselves to using only the vowels they have bought at the Wheel of Fortune event at the annual First Amendment Auction; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble on land they own, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances using telegrams purchased at participating Western Union outlets.

2. The Remington Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, with the definition of Militia provided by the National Rifle Association’s Institute for Legislative Action.

3. The Ramada Inn Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace or war be quartered in any house, provided the owner pays the Soldier a “Freedom Isn’t Free” indemnity equal to the price of a single room at a nearby Ramada Inn.

4. The Xe Services Fourth Amendment

The right of the corporations to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated. People not so much. Warrants have probable cause if and only they are attached to the barrel of a gun owned or leased by Xe Services.

5. Liz Claiborne’s Fifth Amendment

On the first day of every month, each county shall auction off twelve places on its Grand Jury. No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of that Grand Jury; nor shall any person who grants one wish to each member of that Grand Jury be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb. No one shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without at least some minimal process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, unless the Grand Jury deems the person a “fashion victim.”

6. The Orbitz Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, judges will be allowed to use a “tiered service” model to charge the accused a graduated fee that determines the speed of their public trial, the distance of the trial from the place where the crime was committed, and the amount of information the accused receives about the nature and cause of the accusation. The accused has the right to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense, as long as each is transported to the trial using the best fare obtained through Orbitz’s “Low Fare Promise.”

7. The Kelly Services Seventh Amendment

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by a jury shall be preserved. Anyone summoned by a jury shall have the right to hire a temporary “Kelly Services Temp Juror” to take their place. No fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law, barring a Warrant of the kind described in the Fourth Amendment (see above).

8. The ABC/Disney Eighth Amendment

Bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed in excess of the value of the defendant’s home and car. Cruel and unusual punishments shall not be inflicted, except when demanded by a plurality of telephone voters who are watching it on television.

9. The Church of the Latter Day Saints Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, except for teh gay.

10. The Goldman Sachs Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve.

I'm off to run up Milton Friedman's leg and see if I can find a nut. Seriously, though, this is what's coming, so if you don't like it, move to North Korea. Love, Free Market Squirrel.

1. “The central purpose of President Bush's health policy, and John McCain's, is to reduce the role of insurance and make Americans pay a larger part of their health care bills out of pocket. Their embrace of market forces, fierce antagonism toward government, and determination to force individuals to have more "skin in the game" are overriding — all other goals are subsidiary. Indeed, the Republican commitment to market-oriented reforms is so strong that, to attain their vision, Bush and McCain seem willing to take huge risks with the efficiency, equity, and stability of our health care system… A side effect of the McCain plan would be to threaten access to adequate insurance for millions of America's sickest citizens.” Dr. David Blumenthal, “Primum Non Nocere — The McCain Plan for Health Insecurity”