Send As SMS

  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Making the “Bill of Rights” Cost Efficient

By Free Market Squirrel

We on the right know that the market is the most efficient way to deliver Health Care.1 Sure, people don’t deserve to die because they don’t have enough money to be cured – we acknowledged that when we complained about “death panels.” The only reason they do now is because of market distortions.

By this logic, the market should also be the best way to guarantee other basic things people need at the lowest cost. Not many Republicans have the political courage to acknowledge this argument in public. But here at the Cato Institute, Free Market Squirrel has never lacked the courage of his convictions.

For these reasons, I propose the following revision to the Bill of Rights, with more liberty than before – I've added Naming Rights!

The New and Improved Yahoo! Bill of Rights

1. The Western Union First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting those establishments of religion able to purchase one of five “speech indulgences” auctioned off at the annual First Amendment Auction; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, as long as individuals or news organizations restrict themselves to using only the vowels they have bought at the Wheel of Fortune event at the annual First Amendment Auction; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble on land they own, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances using telegrams purchased at participating Western Union outlets.

2. The Remington Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, with the definition of Militia provided by the National Rifle Association’s Institute for Legislative Action.

3. The Ramada Inn Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace or war be quartered in any house, provided the owner pays the Soldier a “Freedom Isn’t Free” indemnity equal to the price of a single room at a nearby Ramada Inn.

4. The Xe Services Fourth Amendment

The right of the corporations to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated. People not so much. Warrants have probable cause if and only they are attached to the barrel of a gun owned or leased by Xe Services.

5. Liz Claiborne’s Fifth Amendment

On the first day of every month, each county shall auction off twelve places on its Grand Jury. No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of that Grand Jury; nor shall any person who grants one wish to each member of that Grand Jury be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb. No one shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without at least some minimal process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, unless the Grand Jury deems the person a “fashion victim.”

6. The Orbitz Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, judges will be allowed to use a “tiered service” model to charge the accused a graduated fee that determines the speed of their public trial, the distance of the trial from the place where the crime was committed, and the amount of information the accused receives about the nature and cause of the accusation. The accused has the right to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense, as long as each is transported to the trial using the best fare obtained through Orbitz’s “Low Fare Promise.”

7. The Kelly Services Seventh Amendment

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by a jury shall be preserved. Anyone summoned by a jury shall have the right to hire a temporary “Kelly Services Temp Juror” to take their place. No fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law, barring a Warrant of the kind described in the Fourth Amendment (see above).

8. The ABC/Disney Eighth Amendment

Bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed in excess of the value of the defendant’s home and car. Cruel and unusual punishments shall not be inflicted, except when demanded by a plurality of telephone voters who are watching it on television.

9. The Church of the Latter Day Saints Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, except for teh gay.

10. The Goldman Sachs Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve.

I'm off to run up Milton Friedman's leg and see if I can find a nut. Seriously, though, this is what's coming, so if you don't like it, move to North Korea. Love, Free Market Squirrel.

1. “The central purpose of President Bush's health policy, and John McCain's, is to reduce the role of insurance and make Americans pay a larger part of their health care bills out of pocket. Their embrace of market forces, fierce antagonism toward government, and determination to force individuals to have more "skin in the game" are overriding — all other goals are subsidiary. Indeed, the Republican commitment to market-oriented reforms is so strong that, to attain their vision, Bush and McCain seem willing to take huge risks with the efficiency, equity, and stability of our health care system… A side effect of the McCain plan would be to threaten access to adequate insurance for millions of America's sickest citizens.” Dr. David Blumenthal, “Primum Non Nocere — The McCain Plan for Health Insecurity”

Labels: , ,

Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008



Sumatran Rhino
Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
Leave a comment!

Powered by Blogger

This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

Have something to say about Fafblog or this blog? Email Montag at montag-at-stumplane-dot-us.