• Thinking of committing an atrocity?
• Frustrated at your former boss/girlfriend/lifecoach, are you going to bust into their workplace/daycare/muffler store and murder everyone indiscriminately?
• But you’re worried about the hard time and humiliation that is sure to follow?

At Blackwater Massacre Legal Services (BMLS) we’re here to help.

Once we, too, were in your position. Our guys had just massacred 17 Iraqi civilians because… well, we don’t really know why. There were cars in the way, and they didn’t move fast enough – you know the drill. It has been reported that:

At 12:08 p.m., at least one guard began to fire in the direction of a car, killing its driver. A traffic policeman said he walked toward the car, but more shots were fired, killing a woman holding an infant sitting in the passenger seat.

But honestly, who the hell knows? Despite the fact that there have been five investigations launched, not one American contractor has been punished.

Why not?

That’s where BMLS comes in. We’ve taken our experiences with the Nisour Square killing spree and turned it into a proven method to evade justice.

The key here is to realize that justice is a relative concept. If our guys had been real soldiers, do you think they would have avoided discipline? If this happened to American civilians, do you think this wouldn’t have been the trial of the century? Not bloody likely.

We have distilled our experience to two core principles:

1) Justice isn’t blind. To money.

In 2007, we spent over a million dollars to bribe Iraqi officials “to silence their criticism and buy their support”. And we can do it for you.

However, we’ve found that principle number one works best when the government is a client state of our own. So we invented principle number two.

2) Outsource your atrocity.

Let’s say you just got fired from your job in a canning factory. Iraq has canning factories! We can fly you out, put you up in deluxe accommodations, and drive you out to the canning factory in a well-appointed SUV with a wet bar. As we approach it in a heavily-armed convoy, you can sit at the window and fire away. Alternatively, Afghanistan has numerous high schools, and Haiti has many post offices.

Here at BMLS, our motto is: Immunity from prosecution isn’t cheap. But aren’t you worth it?