Republican candidates across the country today are condemning the suspected terrorist attack on the U.S. Open, which was delayed by rain. The Department of Homeland Defense had earlier announced, “strong evidence that Al-Kaida operatives have been praying for rain.” A spokesperson for the Republican incumbent in the local Senate race who did not wish to be identified, told us, “God answered their prayers because he’s a Republican and he knows which people have been thinking about switching to Democrat.” Off the record he said that it would be simple to steal the votes back at the voting machines, but, that God wanted people to vote the right way anyway. I’m paraphrasing that because he asked not to be quoted.