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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Bomb? What bomb? A Christmas Story...

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the store
While shoppers were shopping, a bomb threat I ignored;
Girl's sweaters were hung in Apparel with care,
In hopes that your parents, soon would be there;
The children were home, with grandma today,
While reruns of Spongebob kept them at bay;
And mom in her mittens, and dad with his money,
Just turned down aisle three for a Laugh 'n Learn Bunny,
When up on the roof, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang out of my office to see what was the matter.
Away past the Greeter, I flew like a flash,
To the front door of WalMart, where prices are slashed.
The grey skies above were sprinkling snow
Landing atop the police cars below,
When, what to my wondering eyes would be seen,
But the Chief 'o Police, and his entire SWAT team!
I'm the manager here, I can't get upset,
But I knew they were here for the phoned-in bomb threat.
More thorough than eagles, his officers searched,
In Electronics, and Jewelry, and Housewares they perched;
"Now, Chief, c'mon, please gimme a break!
$400,000 in sales are at stake!
It's a hoax I'll bet, let's try to stay coolish!
Evacuate customers?! That would be foolish!"
As kids' electronics, we continued to sell,
And Xboxes, and Barbies -- those shopping carts swelled!
So up at the cashiers, the money just flew,
The SWAT team and bomb squad were hard-at-work, too.
The stock room, freezers; the cops checked it all,
Even going through Jewelry, nothing was too small.
As I counted some money, and was turning around,
From Aisle Six, Chief Overweg came with a bound.
He was dressed all in hazmat, from his head to the ground,
And his suit was all messy, from looking around;
A group of his officers stood at his back,
He looked like he just crawled outta the sack..
His eyes -- how they furrowed! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn down like a bow,
He had something to tell me -- I hope we don't blow!
The stump of a Tums he held tight in his teeth,
Nervous exhaustion circled him like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he spoke like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a tired old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A twitch in his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spit out his words, as he went straight to his work,
"You got lucky this time, you absolute jerk!"
And laying his finger aside my forehead,
"You're lucky your shoppers and associates aren't all dead!"
He sprang to his car, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all drove like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove into the blue
"And tell your WalMart District Manager to go fuck himself, too!"

Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


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This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

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