George "Dubya" Bush and Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon battle it out for title of "worst president ever."


Hey, I just got the tape, so let's take a look at the match of the century.

Americans were already chanting "Dubya!" before the ring announcer even got started. Nixon came out first and the place went insane. Loud "Dick!" chants. When he got in the ring, everyone suddenly forgot about him, 'cause it was time for George "Dubya" Bush to come out. As soon as he stepped through the curtain, it was mass hysteria. The two shook hands before the match, and then it started.

Tricky Dick's first move was a resumption of the U.S. bombing of North Vietnam. Then he bulled Dubya into the ropes and ordered secret bombing campaigns in Cambodia. America gasped, then chanted "Dubya!" So Dubya took him to the corner and gave him a chop by moving to block federal aid to foreign groups that offered counselling or any other assistance to women in obtaining abortions. The crowd chanted "THIS IS AWESOME!," as Nixon backdropped his way free and knocked Dubya down with his support for Augusto Pinochet's overthrow of the government of Chile. Dick put Dubya in a chokehold with his illegal taps on the phones of numerous journalists and administration officials in an effort to stop leaks. America began to chant "DUBYA!" again. Nixon gave him a few more chops in the corner.

Then Dubya applied his patented "SMIRK," and IT WAS ON, BABY!

They exchanged chops and kicks, hard ones, and then Dick nailed him with a burglary of Dr. Lewis Fielding in search of the psychiatric records of Daniel Ellsberg -- right to the head! They exchanged more chops and kicks. Dick was in there having the easiest five-star match of his career! Dubya suddenly issued his August 2001 Executive Order that has crippled stem cell research in our country and sent Tricky Dick flying over the ropes into the front row, and it looked even better than it reads here! America chanted "WE DON'T SEE POO!," and then everybody screamed in unison when Dubya gave him a DDT on the floor with his $1.3 trillion tax cut for the wealthiest Americans! Dubya took him in the ring and hit Nixon with two additional tax cuts: the Job Creation and Worker Assistance Act of 2002 and the Jobs and Growth Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2003, which automatically added a full star to this match. America chanted "THIS IS AWESOME!"

Then the chop battle really began. They chopped and chopped and chopped and sweat flew and Dubya kept chopping away. Nixon' was already all bruised to hell, and I had a strong suspicion there were way more chops to come. There were dueling "DICK!" and "DUBYA!" chants. Dick finally took one chop too many -- ordering a break-in of Democratic Party headquarters at the Watergate Hotel in Washington -- then went for a powerbomb. He got it -- into the turnbuckles, in fact. As America chanted "HOLY POO!," Dick hit the musclebuster and made the cover, but Dubya withdrew US support for several international agreements, including the Kyoto Protocol, the International Criminal Court, and the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with Russia. The country went nuts! Dick ordered Archibald Cox, the special prosecutor in the Watergate case, to be fired to choke Dubya out, but wily "43" slipped free. Dick powerbombed him with authorized hush money to Watergate burglar E. Howard Hunt. The crowd chanted "PLEASE DON'T QUIT!" DUBYA did not, in fact, quit. He crawled and crawled and was about to grab the ropes when Dick ordered an illegal cover-up. America went quiet. This was not the finish they wanted. Then a battered Dubya got the ropes with his foot.

Suddenly Dubya slipped behind and hit Dick with his famous "hands-off" approach to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians in wake of rising violence. Dubya then hit him with a succession of chops in the corner: responding to the September 11 terrorist attacks by invading Iraq (ostensibly to pre-empt Iraqi WMD deployment and remove Saddam from power), by retaining Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (whose dismissal had been demanded by many in the U.S. Congress), and by signing the Military Commissions Act of 2006 into law after the Supreme Court said his detainee interrogation program was illegal. Then he paused and gave the hapless Nixon a few more for good measure: installing the controversial John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations via a recess appointment, by pushing a major initiative to privatize Social Security, and using the very first veto of his presidency against the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act. Dick was bloody and bruised. No fun to be him! Dubya then gave him another half-nelson German, and this one, it would be safe to say, Dick got all of -- Dubya gave a horribly flawed response to one of the worst natural disasters in the nation's history, Hurricane Katrina, but Dick grabbed the ropes. Dubya put on a sleeper on him with his warrantless and otherwise congressionally unauthorized eavesdropping on telephone calls under the Terrorist Surveillance Program. The crowd wasn't sure what to make of that. Then Bush killed Nixon with his refusal to engage directly with the North Korea, making it almost impossible to stop Pyongyang from going ahead with its plans to build, test and deploy nuclear weapons. Right onto Dick's head! Dick, however, WOULD NOT QUIT!!! He fought back by secretly bombing Laos, but then Dubya blocked that by using public sentiments following 9/11 for political purposes and lying about the cause for war in Iraq.

And that was the end of Tricky Dick.