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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Guest Bloggin': The Case Against Iran

Jar JarHeyo-dalee. Mesa Ja Ja Binks. Yousen President, Boss Bush, issen muy concerned aboot dissen berry bad situation wit Iran. Hesa berry worried yousa all getten pasted by a nu-qu-ler boomba! Hesa asken Ja Ja Binks to represent yousen as Special Delegate tada United Nations to present da evidence of dis grave and gathering threat. Mesa honored to be taken on dissa heavy burden, which mesa accept with muy muy humility.

Mesa also berry honored to have dissa opportunity to practice mesa spekch on yousen Fafmissen!

Prepared Remarks for Jar Jar Binks' U.N. Presentation

Tank yousa, Boss President.

Boss President, Boss Secretary General, Ambassadors, dellow felagates, heyo-dalee. Mesa Ja Ja Binks. My would liken to begin by expressing mesa tanks for da special effort dat each yousa made comen here tookie-dalee.

Dis isa muy bigo day for wesa all; as wesa review da situation wit respect to Iran's nu-qu-ler mackineeks; an da special restrictions da Security Council should enforcen above and beyond da limits of da Non Proliferation Treaty.

My would liken if yousa be yoken mesa PowerPoint slide show now, okeyday?

Title page
Iran issa berry dangerous threat in dis bombad time. Theysa working to producen nu-qu-ler mackineeks, thessen leader has shown hissen tabe completely cawazy, and theysa haven close relations wit terrorists. Theysa are extremists whosa want nothing less den da destruction of everyting good, just and democratic. Wesa must act immediately to eliminate dis threat, dis scourge dat threatens da entire planet.

Iran is worken to produce nu-qu-lar boombas.

Enrichment tubes
Our intelligessen tells us dat Iran has acquired many many tubes suitable for uranium enrichment. Eye witnesses have described da tubes as "Da kind dat are useful only for highly enrichen da weapons grade uranium." Wesa don't have a photograph of dees tubes, but dis is an artist's rendering of howsuch tube mighten be looken.

Detail drawings
Yousa mighten be remberen how Iraqi rocket scientist Modher Sadeq-Saba Tamimi got skeered when da war came and fled Iraq. Hesa went to Iran and wit him went dees deteeled plans for da long range boombas which mighten easily be armed wit nu-qu-lar warheads.

Underground facility
Let mesa spek aboot satellite images. Photos like dis sometimes hard for da average person to interpret. Hard for mesa! Da painstaking work of photo analysis tak experts with yearsa and yearsa experience, yoken hours and hours over light tables. But, as wesa yoken dis image, mesa will try to capture and explain what dey mean; what dey indicate to our imagery specialissen.

Dis is an image of an underground boomba facility. Itsa beneath da sand in a place called "Da Salt Desert." Dis is one of many such facilitissen in Iran. For da untrained eye, wesa have labeled da elements of dis facility. As yousa can yoken, deer are tree lonesome areas: receiven & storage aluminum tuben and yellow cake; da manufacturen plant itself; and da shippen. Dis facility employs 105 hissen worken tree shifts on da producten floor alone.

Iran's Boss has shown hissen completely cawazy.

Watsa more bombad den a nation wanten nu-qu-lar boombas? A nation wanten nu-qu-lar boombas wit a skeery cawazy Boss! Imageen dis picture morphen tada picture of Bin Laden... or Hitler... and yousen getten mesa meanen.

Iran hassen maxiclose relations wit terrorissen and extremissen.

Terrorist Meeting
Here is a frame of video captured at a high level al-Qaeda meeting meeting behind da scenes at last April's International Terror-Con '06. Yousa mighten be shocked and surprised to see dis unlikely alliance of participants, and da ease and familiarity implied by dat handshake; but dis typesa meeting happens all da time. Itsa provocative image, no doubten. But one dat wesa hope brings home da nature of da enemy. Dis is evil bombad alliance.

Blast circle
In showing dis, wesa are nomeanen dat wesa cannot protecten da homeland from attack; but as thought experiment, take justa minute to reflect on whata dis enemy's goal is. Dis is howa 500 kiloton blast here at da United Nations Building mighten be looken if wesa fail to act. Wesa do not want da smoking gun comen in da form of startlingly large concentric circles on da mapa Manhattan!

Wesa must be acten immediately!

Wesa are past da asken of "should wesa be acten?" Itsa muy too looney to be ponderen dat by now. Wesa musten be asken, "when should wesa act to eliminate dissen unique, berry bombad threat?" Looksen like wesa only got aboot... five minoots?! Oh, noooooooooo!

In response to da direct threat to da entire Earth Planet, mesa propose dat da Security Council give immediately emergency powers to Boss President Bush.


[Cross posted at: Stump Lane]

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"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



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Maximumize Positive Chaos
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Mouse and Rat Breeds
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Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
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Argue With Everyone
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Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
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The Republic of Dogs
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