Back in 1994, Karl Rove acquired the potion and sent it to the Republican National Committee (RNC) for testing. He had discovered that zombies aren't raised from the dead, but are instead created from living beings! Rove's potion contained the crushed bones of Richard Nixon, a toad and an immature egg from the sex organs of a Potomac River male smallmouth bass. In correct dosages, these three elements would cause Republinica Parasthesia, a chemical disposition that starts with a tingling sensation in the perineum and advances to a state where the victim appears brain dead. After burial, Rove would simply dig his victim up and massage the head with "a little dab" of Ronald Reagon's Brylcreem. The hair cream's unique blend of ingredients acts as an antidote to the original toxin, inducing a zombified state where the victim appears clinically "conservative." The undead monster could now be easily manipulated for whatever diabolical scheme the GOP had in mind...

Fast forward to February 2007. RNC chairman Mel Martinez is today behind bars in an undisclosed Federal Correctional Institution after his chilling plan to raise an entire zombie army was uncovered. Shirley Dobson (wife of James Dobson, leader of the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family) was horrified to discover Martinez's plan in a written proposal on his desk at the RNC's Washington headquarters. In it, the chairman outlined how to use Rove's potion and Reagon's Brylcreem to create a corps of undead GOP primary voters who would nominate Mormon cultist Mitt Romney for president. Outraged, she reported it to Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff.

Mercifully, Romney was was kidnapped in Grand Rapids, sprayed in the face, forced into a van and renditioned to Uzbekistan by agents from the Central Evangelical Agency before the macabre plot could be executed. Despite his protestations, authorities there have wisely decided to cage and mercilessly torture the miscreant nominee.