Optimism is the New Nihilism
By: Chaplain Montag, Fashion Correspondent
First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

Trend setters in Washington have been busy setting all the latest trends. This season cynicism, defeatism and pessimism are OUT.

The beautiful people. The crème de la crème. The in-crowd. Whatever you may call them, they are who everyone wants to run with. So, just like our tragically hip Vice President, the Fafmissen will want to stake their claim, preen, and display their multi-colored plume at their trend-settiest.

Take a look:

THE SITUATION: The War in Iraq

DEFEATOCRATS: Iraq is FUBAR!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: "I think we have made significant progress."

THE VERDICT: "I think the VP is a person expressing a half-glass-full mentality. And that is, he's been able to look at — as have I and I hope other Americans have — the fact that the tyrant was removed, 12 million people voted and an Iraqi constitution is in place that is a model for — and is unique — for the Middle East." —Guest Judge President Bush

There you have it, Spot. Embrace the half-glass-full mentality for Spring this year.

Try it:

THE SITUATION: Poverty in the United States

DEFEATOCRATS: There's too much poverty in the United States. 37 million residents lived below the poverty line in 2005. We must do something about it!

HALF-GLASS-FULLERS: 37 million? That means 251 million lived above the poverty line— all year! I think we have made significant progress!

Half-glass-full isn't even the word for it in this case... More like 87%-glass-full!

Go forth, Spot, be half-glass-full. Be the first on you block to empty your closet of guiltful pessimism. Fill it instead with Hope. You're friends will be the green of envy because the sun shone from your nether-regions first.

Most important, though, is to just live life to the half-glass-fullest. Because even if you weren't there first, at least you'll fit in.