Spot needed to go outside and nobody was here, so thepuppethead let him out, and then he had some ice cream. Then Spot came back in and he wanted some ice cream, so then everybody had some ice cream (everyone being thepuppethead and Spot). Then we were sleepy, but still we listened to Wolf Blitzer say words on CNN while simultaneously reading some newspapers -- because how else would we stay so well informed? So here is your news summary.

Item! Chairman of Joint Chiefs Gen. Peter Pace Retires.
General Peter Pace, who you will probably remember seeing flying around and magnetizing stuff with his underwear on Heroes this season, has "retired". He was 97, and apparently will not be missed; in fact, he may not have actually ever been the chairman in the first place depending on who you ask. His replacement is some guy named Mike who looks like he eats a lot of Brunswick stew, and can probably drive The Pequod into a ditch as good as the next fella. “Let’s hope so!” says Wolf Blitzer.

Item! Paris Hilton BlahBlahBlah!
Blah blah Paris Hilton yackety schmackety blah. Wolf explains that Paris Hilton got released from jail and placed under house arrest (after being tagged by wildlife officials with a transmitter and having her ears pulled out straight and measured real good), but then had to go back to jail because she deserved it. But what you may not know (Wolf is really droning now) is that prison has made her stronger than you could ever possibly imagine, and after she gets out of jail she’ll get a job crushing boulders and bending steel bars between her bare knees! (Note: Some of that may have had a smidgen of non-news, because just now Wolf made thepuppethead drift off into slumber a little bit with his wordy words, as he is wont to do.)

Item! Scientists Study Robotic Toddler.
Scientists hope that building and then studying a high-tech robotic toddler will one day help them to understand actual toddlers. Because you know, if you want to understand real toddlers you couldn't possibly just study, say… real toddlers… heck no. Where’s the sport in that?

Hm. Something there doesn’t quite make sense.

However, Wolf will probably clear everything up later with some more words delivered from the depths of his perfectly trimmed snow white beard. But we won’t hear them because Spot says it’s time for a nap.

So that’s the end of the news summary for this week. Bye!