Greetings, fellow citizens!

Today is “Black Friday”! Widely reputed to be the busiest shopping day of the year! And as someone in no way affiliated with the National Security Agency or “NSA”, I may or may not be using your tax dollars to ask you this helpful question: Have you considered buying a cell phone today?

Surely you’ve thought about the advantages that come from cell phone ownership! But I’d like to talk with you about the disadvantages that come from not owning a cell phone!

If you still don’t own a cell phone, you are effectively choosing to hide from your government! And the only question that may be asked of you is: why are you hiding? I can think of two possible reasons: 1) Your hair came out so badly this morning that you don’t want to the government spy satellites to locate you and see it, or 2) You are a criminal bent on overthrowing our increasingly hollow symbols of liberty. And the NSA may be able to see your hair (relax, it looks fine!), well, you get the picture.

To make it super easy, this Christmas we’re giving you the option of requesting a FREE cell phone from Santa Claus. To get your free cell phone, follow these simple instructions. The next time you are outside during daylight hours, simply bend down to tie your shoe. Take off your shoe, and stand up. Turn around three times and then bend down and put your shoe on again, and tie it.

By following these simple directions, it is highly probable that Santa Claus will deliver you a free Christmas cell phone. If you fail to do so, Santa might deliver something less to your liking.