By Cappy Rudyard

Ahoy, there! It has been five months since the earth-shaking 08 endorsement of Eugene Debs for President was published, and the cockroaches are scattering as if someone opened a door and shone a bright electric light inside.

The professionally irate James Dobson was the first to skitter away from the light, opining that only he knows the proper way to interpret the Bible (which, in his interpretation, boils down to the New Testament only). [1] Dobson, of course, equates Biblical hermeneutics with getting soundbites on CNN Radio. But, we can still ask, according to Dobson, who understands the Bible correctly? In his book, Marriage Under Fire, Dobson makes the following tragically unfortunate comparison:

Like Adolf Hitler, who overran his European neighbors, those who favor homosexual marriage are determined to make it legal, regardless of the democratic processes that stand in their way.

So, who was it who correctly understood the Bible? We might extrapolate that Dobson would think that an elected leader who outlawed and tried to eliminate homosexuality understood it. But can he find references to pink triangles in the New Testament?

But my favorite skittering roach be none other than General Wesley Clark. Clark launched a subtle attack on Debs when he blithely remarked that: “Well, I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president.”

This be clearly a figurative jab at the only dead candidate in the race, Eugene V. Debs. Clark gets it wrong, though, Debs did not get shot down in a plane, or on a train (or with a fox or in a box), instead he died in 1926 at a sanitarium in Elmhust, Illinois, broken by the experience of being jailed for his anti-war views. Clearly, Clark is impugning the judgment of people who find themselves in fatal or near-fatal situations. Followed to its logical conclusion, this reasoning rules out every single zombie candidate there has ever been! But just to show HOW cravenly wrong Clark is, the Debs campaign is proud to unveil the following slate of deceased cabinet choices:

Secretary of the Treasury
Giuseppi Pinelli

Giuseppi Pinelli died in 1969, after falling out a window while being interrogated by the Italian police following a bomb explosion at the Agricultural Bank in Milan. Historians argue that Pinelli was not actually involved with the bombing, but Pinelli’s Chief of Staff Dario Fo notes that Pinelli was fully capable of flying instead of falling, but chose not to in order to die and thereby incriminate the police. Pinelli did what McCain did, but had the guts to do it without a parachute!

Secretary of Health and Human Services
Tennessee Williams

In 1983, the author of Streetcar Named Desire was using eyedrops when he choked on an eyedrop bottle cap in New York. He would routinely place the cap in his mouth, lean back, and place his eyedrops in each eye. If Williams were Secretary of HHS, not only would consumer safety of eyedrop bottles improve, but we would rapidly close the histrionics gap with Communist China. He's like the Straight Talk Express, but, you know, not, strictly speaking, straight.

Chair, Joint Council of Economic Advisors
Frank Hayes

In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes dies of a heart attack during a race. His horse, Sweet Kiss, won the race, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win a race. If you can think of a better metaphor for the best case scenario for managing the current economy, please contact me. [2] Hayes beat a field of living jockeys, which is more than can be said of John McCain's victory over his challengers in the 2008 Republican primary.

We DEMAND that Clark admit that this Cabinet of the Dead [TM] would be much more effective than the current cabinet!

This is NOT fake outrage!

Riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down IS so a qualification to be president!

Ah find it despicable that SO close to the Fourth of July, a four star general would suggest that the dead are less patriotic than the living!

That was so NOT a non-sequitur slipped in just to wrap our candidates in the flag!

But IF our candidates were wrapped in flags, the would STAY wrapped in them!

In closing, Ah urge all the candidates to join the Debs campaign in repudiating these remarks, cutting Clark loose, and baking eyedrop bottle caps into his favorite kind of muffins and scattering them on the sidewalk opposite his garage!

______________________________
(1) Dobson, trained in Pediatrics and Psychology, not Theology or Religious Studies, condemns the beknighted among us who fail to recognize those “Old Testament texts and dietary codes that no longer apply to Jesus’ teachings in the New Testament.”

(2) Other suggestions include Dr. Caligari for Cabinet Secretary Without Portfolio, Jim Croce to run the FAA, Julius & Ethel Rosenberg to direct the FBI, Natalie Wood as Secretary of the Navy, and, of course, the Marquis De Sade to run the CIA. Other suggestions for the zombie cabinet welcome below.