By the Right Reverend P. M. Cavendish
Friends: I had a chance to sit down and catch up with my old pal Sarah Palin for a brief interview. The interview itself happened in a dream, which perhaps accounts for why she wore a sleeveless tk'chita, or traditional Moroccan gown, and occasionally paused to breakdance.
Good thing about this interview, too, because it puts the lie to the idea that she has little foreign policy "experience" -- whatever that is. In fact, Sarah Palin’s got something better. She’s got a divinely-inspired Plan.
Some of you may be saying to yourselves: "It has been a long time since Reverend Cavendish was in our pulpit. Does this mean he successfully completed rehab? And why does he smells a like burnt okra?" To which I say: "Yes it has. No, but almost. And, I can’t answer that until some lab results come in."
These past months have been hard work, especially since I never really recovered after my first choice for president, Rudy Giuliani, crashed and burned.
I am not proud of how I have dealt with my sojourn in the political desert. Friends, I have been wrestling with a new jackal-headed Anubis. But in this case, the jackal had two heads, named Lyndsey and Lacey. Indeed, in following Ezekiel 23:32 “Thus saith the Lord God; Thou shalt drink of thy sisters’ cup deep and large,” I may have erred on the side of excess. But I am back! Fired up by the stellar performance of the McCain/Palin ticket!
Let me get to the point. Sarah Palin is the first person to correctly identify the Iranian threat as one of Witchcraft. Since her pastor, Thomas Muthee, is a noted campaigner against witches, she knows firsthand how to combat them. Indeed, according to his followers, Pastor Muthee’s own method of defeating witches consists of five phases:
1. Staging an air raid.
2. Sending in the ground troops.
3. Rallying an army of prayer warriors.
4. Designating divinely called intercessors
5. Adding in the Armor Bearers.
I asked Sarah about how this approach might be implemented against Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
- ILP,S!: "So, tell me, are you advocating intercession against the witch Ahmadinejad through prayer and fasting?"
- Gov. P.: "For individual witches, you use prayer and fasting. For nuclear witches, you let the good guys use WMD’s on the bad guys."
- ILP,S!: "Would you cite Exodus 22:18 'Wizards thou shalt not suffer to live.' as moral justification for a nuclear strike?"
- Gov. P: "Does a moose shit in the woods? And don’t forget Exodus 22:9: 'Whosoever copulateth with a beast; shall be put to death.'"
- ILP,S!: "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I see..."
- Gov. P: "A wise man once said, ‘Love the dog for its dogness.’"
- ILP,S!: "To get back to Iran, do you worry about this leading to a wider conflict?"
- Gov. P: "Well, I see Armageddon as a feature and not a bug. After all, we will live and dwell with Him there forever following His millennial reign on Earth. This millennial reign will bring the salvation of national Israel and the establishment of universal peace."
- ILP,S!: "But how do you know it will trigger the Second Coming? Isn’t that a gamble?"
- Gov. P: "Goodness, no. My church does not believe in gambling."
- ILP,S!: "Not even throwing down $100 chips at the Foxwoods Resort Casino?"
- Gov. P: "My church believes that there is no way in which a practice can be considered anything other than evil when it violates principles of Gods Word concerning stewardship, consideration of others, and the dignity of honest labor."
- ILP,S!: "Well, as long as that doesn't apply to John McCain."
- Gov. P: "The thing you have to remember is that for five and half years, he had no access to crap tables."
The rest of the interview is hazy, in part because the din those confounded owls were making started to drown out Sarah's dulcet voice! But I found the exchange refreshing, simply because I had not previously appreciated the Biblical imperative to strike Iran. And when I woke up, I found that there was still half a Bermuda Highball winking at me from its perch on King James' back. Amazingly useful book, that.