Who Ya Gonna Call?





"We HAVE to get these two together."

"I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous."

thepuppethead was in a celebratory mood, so at the wee crack of dawn this morning he (and Spot) decided to schlep down to Smith's Fine Wines & Spirits in search of happiness and a bottle of scotch. But when we got there the store hadn't opened for business yet, so instead of standing out front (which would be a grievous mistake if mrs. thepuppethead happened to drive by on her way to work), we slipped around back to wait and, possibly, search for treasure. You never know what you might find behind a liquor store. No really, you seriously never know.

In any case, instead of treasure, thepuppethead (and Spot) only found Big Bob Binion, CPA, and Smitty the Bindlestiff, who were apparently also waiting to buy booze. Here is a brief re-enactment of this encounter.

Big Bob Binion: "Howdy PH."

Me: "Hey BB."

Smitty: "Hi P-Head."

Spot: Growls at Smitty.

Me: "Don't call me pee head, buster... or we are going to scrap!"

Big Bob Binion: "Don't mind him PH."

Me: Squints at Smitty.

Smitty: "I like sausage."

Spot: Gets distracted by a pile of leaves and wanders off.

Me: "What did you fellas think about Barack whooping up on Hillary in Iowa?"

Big Bob Binion: "I was surprised. I thought Hillary had it sewn up. Guess Barack had her number."

Smitty: "B-AFLAC!!!" (Sounding just like the AFLAC duck)

Me: "B-ARACK. Barack OBAMA, you poltroon."

Smitty: "Mutual of O-BAMA'S WILD Kingdom!"

Big Bob Binion: "I bet that Hillary was pretty steamed."

Me: "Probably. And that Huckabee! He cleaned Romney's clock!"

Smitty: "Huck-L-bee-RY HOUND!"

Me: "Shut up, Smitty. Do you want a poke in the nose?"

Big Bob Binion: "Don't pay him no mind, PH."

Me: "So who do you like, BB?"

Big Bob Binion: 'I'm for Fred. The rest of them is all Liberal, or crazy."

Smitty: "... reminds me. What's the difference between Hillary and ol' Joe Lieberman?"

Me: "A conscience?"

Smitty: "A uterus!"

Me: "Dangit Smitty! That's not funny!"

Big Bob Binion's cell phone rings, and he walks around the corner to answer it.

Smitty (sotto voce): "Psst. Hey PH."

Me: "Hm?"

Smitty: "That Obama is the real deal. Haven't seen anyone like him since Bobby Kennedy. I remember listening to Bobby on Armed Forces Radio when I was in Vietnam (courtesy of LBJ, may he rot in hell) and thinking to myself -- This guy is going to shake stuff up. But then the bastards shot him, and the country kept on sliding down the greasy path of least resistance towards oblivion. But that Obama -- guy like that doesn't come around very often. He could shake it up. Really could."

Me: "Damn, Smitty! Where'd that come from?"

Smitty: "Crap PH, you know how Big Bob Binion is... I have to act the fool around him. If he knew I was smarter than he is it'd break his poor heart, and he's my best friend - couldn't do that to him. Plus, he's my best customer."

Me: "...."

Me: (Looking at the store's sign) "Smitty.... Smith's... holy crap Smitty, you own this store?"

Smitty: "Sure. But don't tell Big Bob Binion, PH. If he knew that I make more money than he does he'd be mortified, and probably die of a heart attack or something. Poor fella."

Me: "Mum's the word, Smitty. Mum's the word."

Smitty: "Mark my words, PH. That Obama is the guy to watch."

Me: "Well, I'll be watching."

Big Bob Binion walks back around the corner.

Big Bob Binion: "She's open!"

Me: "Talisker here I come!"

Smitty: "I smell hair."


The End