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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Kerry: You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry

WASHINGTON - Senator John Kerry (D, MA) exchanged hostilities with the White house today in an effort to illustrate for the American people, "just how angry [he] can get," ahead of a potential 2008 Presidential run.

Halloween: The Curse of the Reverend

I walloped the little Devil hard in his stomach. He fell back onto the porch with his mouth hanging open, saliva drooling all over his mask.

I said, "Kid, here's something you should know. You should know that I'm not a guy that takes any crap. Not from anybody, especially Satan. You should know that I'm still on earth because I prayed longer than some demons who didn't want me that way."

Beelzebub was scared all right, but he tried to bluff me. He said, "Huh? All's I said was 'trick or treat.' Whad'ja do that for, Mr. Dobson?"

He started to cry when I pulled out my cross and smacked him in the cabeza with it. He said, "Omigod!" under his breath and grabbed his noggin. I raised the cross until he was looking straight into the eyes of Jesus.

"Dare me again, Satan..."

Monday, October 30, 2006
Evening of the Living Dead

One doesn't often find oneself at an authentic Washington DC Hallowe'en Party. But there I was in the exclusive enclave of Southeast Estates, a grated community surrounded by slums. The district is dusty and flat, but recent rains transformed it into a fetid mud-pie. The buildings, typically old-style Washington, are two-storied with wrought-iron balconies.

Shepherding the event was doyenne Frida Burling. Normally this means a rather uneventful evening with stark, high-concept floral arrangements and barely a pumpkin in sight, but this night would be different. Soon after my arrival, Bob Schieffer draped a colorful sisal handbag over his shoulder and began sowing seed everywhere, while international catering star Marcel Wolterinck made an offering of chickens as food for the gods during an unholy animal sacrifice with much blood. Then a possession involving Senator John Warner took place, and arriving from the world of the spirits was the redoubtable Charles Rebozo, more often called Bebe, the guardian of the cemetery.

Bebe/Senator John Warner strutted around with two Cuban cigars in his mouth wearing a top hat and tails, one hand eagerly tickling the bottoms of Nina Pillsbury and Maria Shriver, the other holding a tall glass of rum with red-hot peppers. Sandra Day O'Connor and John O'Connor, Robert Bennett, Erica Moorehead, Paul and Pat Stern, Larry King and Don Imus, Giorgio and Anna Maria Via , Mandy Ourisman, Gail Scott and husband Fred Hubig also became possessed by Bebe. They leapt to their feet with wild howls and raced to the buffet where amuse bouche and pepper-spiked raw rum were offered to the gods. They gulped down the rum and began shivering and quaking, crying out wordlessly. The other partygoes commenced a wild and impassioned dance. There was no singing, only an occasional call from the crowd, "Come to us, Bebe!" The dancing reached its climax and the dancers collapsed to the floor.

All eyes turned to an exotic, fabulously outfitted woman in a vivid orange silk suit with a stunning spray of diamond skulls and an explosion of fire curving around her head. It was Rep. Mary Bono! The front door slowly swung open. The darkness of the surrounding slums penetrated the inner temple of Southeast Estates. A sepia hand reached out from that darkness and took Mary's and drew her outside. The glassy-eyed, costumed partygoers mutely followed her, the door shutting behind them. I remained inside, standing before the door.

The party was over. I made my way to the buffet and picked up one of the bottles from which they had drunk. There were a few drops of the fiery rum left in it. I poured them onto my finger and tasted it. For hours afterward my mouth was on fire.

Friday, October 27, 2006
Birthday Party Ideas

Despite the curfew, I had a too-cool party for my 16th birthday. I asked my mom if we could use the basement, which had just been "redecorated" in a mortar attack and she said sure. It was cool we were able to have it here because our house is in a part of Baghdad where the Iraqi police aren't going nuts, firing openly into traffic or getting suspended for being in death squads. Also, the checkpoints don't normally feature insurgents dressed as cops. To decorate, we just went outside and picked up some shattered glass, old humvee tires, and lots and lots of broken plates and stuff. The basement looked really cool when we were finished with it! Next we got party snacks. My mom and I went to the grocery to pick up water, bread and some rice. For activities, we just hung out while we waited for everyone to arrive, then my dad turned on the generator to run a fan and two lights while we listened to Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" musical ringtone on my new cellphone. Coolio rapped "My days are over and I'm gonna die...all I need is chili fries" and we chanted "Goodbye forever, may God curse you." Notch! After the electricity went away we lit 16 candles and I blew them all out. Then, I opened presents. All my friends loved the party. Some guests told me that it was the best one they'd been to since the occupation. I hope this helps everybody get some ideas! Party on!


Thursday, October 26, 2006

I'm tinkering with the template.

Feedback is welcome.

Update: I'm done tinkering with the template, for now.

Feedback is still welcome.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006
The Adventures of Philip Neutro

It was time. Chemotactic agent Philip Neutro had been feeling restless all morning. Suddenly he'd become sticky and began to adhere to the walls. He was now superadherent and knew his only option was to squeeze out the door.

He must must find... eat... kill... the foreign intruders.

He'd known there was trouble. He had recognised their smell. He left the apartment and grabbed a chemotaxi heading downtown.

"Pour it on, driver." The latest report said that they were already in Glendale.

Neutro intended to take it directly to the enemy. He'd use his skeleton to envelope agents of the foreign Negac Tsara'at, and then... But eating them would not be enough. To ensure that others like them would not grow and organize from within, Neutro would employ...the Oxidative Burst.

"Vat ees beeg hurry, friend," the driver asked. Neutro glanced at the face and name on the hack license taped to the glove compartment and then fixed his gaze on the little black hairs dotting the back of the driver's neck.

He thought about nothing as he ripped his arms away from the back seat and encircled the neck of the driver as the cab lurched to a sudden stop.

Ken from Ken's Kitchen

By Definition

Hit-and Run n. Wrecking someone elses person or property then leaving quickly to avoid taking responsibility for the disaster you left behind.

see also
Deficit Spending


Build an empire (of casinos)
Bet and bluff your way to riches.

When the time is right... Cut and Run to win.

The Award Winning Casino Board Game gives it a 5.8 out of 10!!

Check it out now, you'll be glad you did!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Define 'Meaning': A Voter's Guide

The strategy is not "stay the course." The strategy has never been "stay the course." [1, 2]

The strategy has forever been, "complete the mission, do the job, achieve the goal."

Which is exactly what was meant, in December of '03, when the President referred to himself in the third person and said,
We will stay the course until the job is done, Steve. And the temptation is to try to get the President or somebody to put a timetable on the definition of getting the job done. We're just going to stay the course. [3]

This politics of "words" is fascinating to you literal criticals -- to the Steves of the world. You seem to "think" solely in terms of the "thoughts" associated with them; but "words" are meaningless without the meanings we assign to them.

It's the definitions, Stupid!

Not everybody has such a sophisticated vocabulary, which is exactly what was meant, just days ago, when the President said,
Nobody has accused me of having a real sophisticated vocabulary, I understand that. And maybe their -- their words are more sophisticated than mine. But when you pull out before the job is done, that's cut and run as far as I'm concerned. And that's cut and run as far as most Americans are concerned. And so, yes, I'm going to continue reminding them of their words and their votes. [4]

See what he was doing there? He assigned a meaning to the words "cut and run." "Cut and run" means "pulling out before the job is done."

It doesn't matter that what we call "cut and run" today might be the exact strategy we employ in the months after the election. For until we define -- before we assign meaning to what "the mission" is, anyone who would set an artificial timeline for withdrawal is cut and run. What's more, they're irresponsibly cut and run, in that they're not playing with a full deck of information. For all they know, their incomplete deck may be nothing but jokers.

They are irresponsibly uninformed.

We have a task force studying Iraq, [5] looking at how to get clear of the briar patch, if you will. This group will give us all the information we need to define the mission -- to give "Victory" meaning. When we have the final analysis, we will finally have Victory.

Citizens, we will not ask you to discern the meaning of a lot of sophisticated words. You will see with your own eyes what Victory looks like in Iraq, and you will come to know the timeline for withdrawal when we withdraw!

We will ask you to ask yourself at the polls: Can we really trust the irresponsibly uninformed with our safety?

--Chaplain Montag of the First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

[1] Think Progress: Bush: 'We've Never Been Stay The Course'
[2] Think Progress: Bartlett: 'It's Never Been A Stay The Course Strategy'
[3] White House: President Bush Holds Press Conference (December 15, 2003)
[4] White House: Press Conference by the President (October 11, 2006)
[5] Democracy Now: The End of Maliki? Will a Coup Unravel Iraq? Robert Dreyfuss and Raed Jarrar Discuss the War in Iraq

[Cross posted at Stump Lane]

From the Comments at The Real Fafblog!

[Spot], I believe I am not alone in my sentiment that it is not only Fafblog per se that we die-hard fans miss, but the sense of community among commenters that was somehow established - not by gushy exchanges of sentiment, but by an interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, dadaism (and less often, mamaism - thank you, Mrs. F), and a genuine outrage at the horrors of the situation, all over a substrate of the siblinghood of sentient beings and the parenthood of the Creative Forces of the Universe, if any.

None of us will ever see its like again.

Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that. But it's OK to be sad sometimes too.

--Freddy el Desfibradddoro, Fafblog! Commenter

Wednesday, October 18, 2006
What Movie Is Iraq?

The Neverending Story: A boy seeks to escape the troubles of reality within the pages of a mysterious story-book. He is drawn into mythical Fantasia, a land where he is heralded as a hero. That boy is the United States. ... You know what? I don't want US to delude ourselves that this is anything but fantasy. We must wake up to the destruction we have wrought in real-life Iraq.


High Noon: When the marshal decides he must courageously face the outlaws that would destroy him, the townsfolk refuse to help. He still kicks some major outlaw ass, though! The President knows he can't cut and run, and he must face the terrorists. ... You know what? I don't think we should leave our Sheriff to face the terrorists alone.


The Cutting Edge 2, Going for the Gold: Iraq is the daughter of 1992 Winter Olympics Gold medallists Kate Moseley and Doug Doursey. She grows up with ambitions of winning her own Olympic gold but that ambition seems to come to an end when she has a career threatening injury. Enter The United States as her new pairs skate partner and a new chance at Olympic Gold. But can they set aside their stubbornness long enough to actually win the game? [IMDb] ... You know what? Victory is only possible if Iraq can set aside its stubbornness long enough for US to gain strategic control of its assets and declare victory.

--Chaplain Montag of the First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

The Lord of The Rings: The Return of the King: "As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else ... It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. ... You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."

--Senator Rick Santorum
[Bucks County Courier Times: Santorum defends Iraq war]

Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Natural Law FAQ

Q: What is natural law?

A: Take a look around, see how everything is? G_D put it that way. We can tell a lot about what G_d likes because he put everything just how he wants it.

Q: What does the world tell us about G_d?

A: G_d likes things just the way they are. He has an inordinate fondness for beetles, hopeless poverty, Chinese peasants and war.

Q: War!?

A: We see that war and genocide are common. This tells us that it is good. We see that religious wars are among the bloodiest and most brutal. This tells us that bloody and brutal the are better. G_d obviously made the different religions, like teams in a league, so that there are more opportunities for religious wars.

Q: Why does he like it like that?

A: We don't know, but you can believe me - there must be a good reason. Purpose and G_d just go together. You can't have a purpose for everything unless there is some all-knowing all-powerful being to decide what that purpose is.

Q: What is the purpose?

A: We don't know, but you can believe me - there must be a good reason. Purpose and G_d just go together. You can't have a purpose for everything unless there is some all-knowing all-powerful being to decide what that purpose is.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Shorter* Falkor:
POINT: It seems wrong to paint enemy combatants invisible so no one can see the evidence that they have been tortured; or see that they are still, in fact, indefinitely detained; or whether they are even real enemy combatants.

Shorter* Gizzard:
COUNTER-POINT: Big deal, the enemy combatants are invisible! Enemy combatants have been declared enemy combatants! So, by definition, they are enemy combatants! Enemy combatants should be painted invisible, tortured and detained indefinitely, because they are the ENEMY!

Shorter* Edict of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot:
COUNTER-COUNTER-POINT: Perception is the vital key to victory in any conflict. The more enemies we render invisible, the fewer enemies remain visible. Thus the threat is diminished. Those who would illuminate the existence of an enemy seek to undermine this perception-- in aid of the enemy --and should themselves be considered enemy combatants.

* There are no "longers," Spot.

The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.

Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


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Sumatran Rhino
Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
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This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

Have something to say about Fafblog or this blog? Email Montag at montag-at-stumplane-dot-us.