Send As SMS

  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Friday, March 02, 2007

Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie

Here is Gizzard's recipe for the mightiest, giant-killingest, most paternalistic pie ever devised. This is no ordinary pie! This pie isn't a mere ration of nourishment that takes up space in your gut. This is all-knowing pie. This pie influences financial markets, foils plots and vanquishes evildoers!

Apple PieIngredients:

  • Newtown Pippin apples, peeled, cored and sliced

  • Lemon juice, squeezed

  • Light brown sugar, packed

  • Sugar, crystallized and processed into granules

  • Cinnamon, personified, then ground beneath a jackboot heel

  • Fresh nutmeg, grated

  • Salt, shooken

  • Unsalted butter, de-salted

  • Thickening agent, reverently acknowledged



You can make your own crust; or just go out and buy a pre-made one. Gizzard has lined the bottom of his pie plate with some crusty gray tube socks.

Rendition your bottom crust to Syria or Eastern Europe. IMPORTANT: Gizzard always seeks assurances that his crust will be refrigerated in accordance with all international laws and treaty obligations. You should too! Say it: Plausible deniability.

The crust should be kept in isolation from all other ingredients. Prolonged sensory and sleep deprivation will "soften" the crust prior to bakening. And, of course, exposure to extreme cold will keep the crust fresh. If these steps are followed faithfully and systematically, your crust can be kept at this stage indefinitely, until you have completed the other steps. Gizzard has been refrigerating his crust for over 3 1/2 years, and it's even fresher now than on the day he rendered it!


When you're good and ready... move on to the filling.

Since pie-filling perfection is elusive and nearly impossible to define, it is vital to avoid artificial timetables, and if you can help it, any sort of benchmarks whatsoever. And when something is elusive and defies definition, it is best to keep all options on the table in terms of what you are willing to put into your pie.

While you don't have to break any eggs to make this omelet, if your crop is overextended, you may not be able to find enough suitable Newtown Pippins. You may even be forced to use a few bad apples. Even so, you must remain steadfast and resolved! The whole pie depends on it! Not all of your guests will have the stomach for everything you might have to do; so it's also a good idea to carry out as much of the pie-making process as possible in complete secrecy.

Some ingredients will eagerly join in the mix for the greater good of the pie. Others will be harder to bring along, but will respond to fear mongering and propaganda. Still others--- the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan ---will resist. They will need to be coerced, for they remain surprisingly resistant to the powers of mass media.

If your bowl technique is good, though, it should be relatively easy to get the ingredients tossed together. Allow the mixture to stand until the apples macerate. Then strain---

"Gizzard's bowl technique is NOT good! Gizzard's ingredients are spilling out all over, and the tarnish from the bowl is tarnishing Gizzard's apples!! AAAAARRRRRGGHHH!"


"Hey, wait. Gizzard knows where there is a larger bowl... To the bathroom!"
"Uhhh, Gizzard? ... You're not talking about the toilet bowl are ya?"
"Duhhh, Falkor... Yes! It's much bigger and easier."
"But if your objective is 'delicious pie,' do you really think mixing the ingredients in a toilet is conducive?"
"None of that matters, Falkor. I'm The Maker; and I'm making the bathroom the main front in the War On Not Pie. Let's go."
"Easy there, Gizzard. You splashed me when you dumped the apples in."
"Just shut up and pass me the rest of the stuff."


"Gizzard, the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan are revolting!"
"Indeed. Tell them Gizzard demands tribute! Gizzard declares martial law on their sorry souls! Set Tasers to 'kill'!!"


"They're acquiescing to your demands, Gizzard. ... I'm a little surprised that worked, actually."
"Of course it worked, Falkor!"
"How do we mix all this stuff together now?"
"Couple of flushes ought to do it. You might have to jiggle the handle."
"Won't we lose some a the ingredients that way, Gizzard?"
"The pie, Falkor. It's a small sacrifice for heavenly pie. ... OK, I think it's ready. Bring me my crust."
"Wait, don't we have to strain and cook some a the liquid off to make the syrup first?"
"Trifle. Just bring the crust."


"OK, Gizzard, here's your crust. It's a broken crust; barely a pale shadow a what it once was, though. I'm not sure we can even use it in our pie anymore."
"Nonsense. It's perfect. Bring it in here so I can slop the filling into it."
"Oh, Gizzard! [Cough.] When you leave and come back--- boy, is the smell pungent!"


"I see you've got just about everything pretty well into the crust now. What's that you're using for the top crust, Gizzard?"
"That? I braided some strips of wet toilet paper while you were in Eastern Europe."
"Aaaahhh, I see. So what next?"
"Nuke it!"
"You mean cook it in the microwave?"
"No, Falkor."


"Does this broadcast even reach out beyond the blast radius, Gizzard?"
"Shut up, we're almost on."

[IN 3... 2... 1...]

GIZZARD: "And we're back. So, tell me what you think, Falkor."
FALKOR: "Gizzard, this pie is terrible! It's a preposterous, ponderous pie!"
GIZ: "How can you say that, Falkor? How can you belittle the solemn sacrifice and selfless toil we put into it?"
FAL: "Apple pie is supposed to taste like summer, innocence, and unbridled enthusiasm. Instead it tastes like road salt and car exhaust; and smells like that strip a material around the inside a some oily fraternity brother's decrepit baseball cap."
GIZ: "I followed the recipe precisely, Falkor. It's not my fault you hate the taste of America."
FAL: "But Apple Pie is supposed to be made a freedom, pride, hospitality and unconditional love!"
GIZ: "That's nostalgia's quaint, old-timey recipe! We can't afford to just keep--- uh ---baking pies as if 9-11 never happened, Falkor."
FAL: "Well... I guess you're probably right... bein' you're the Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie expert and all."
GIZ: "Of course Gizzard is right!"
FAL: "Mmmmmm. Pie."
GIZ: "Fantastic. Well, folks, that's all we have time for tonight. I'm Gizzard, here with Falkor, signing off."


FAL: [Off mic.] "Do I hafta eat it?"
GIZ: [Also off mic.] "Naaah. Let them eat it."
FAL: [Still off mic.] "Whew! Ok. Good."

Allow pie to cool before cutting. Best served cold.
Serves 8


The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.


Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008



Sumatran Rhino
Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
Leave a comment!

Powered by Blogger

This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

Have something to say about Fafblog or this blog? Email Montag at montag-at-stumplane-dot-us.