Yes, I have not been sitting around all this time eating Cheetos and sipping Yoo Hoo as was my habit of olde. Far from it! As I was chained in one of the many imaginative "stress positions" my captors were so fond of putting me in, I saw a flash of light and heard heavenly music. Yes, Baby Jesus came to me that day and, frankly, has never left my side since that moment. In fact, I attribute my miraculous release to the power and glory of BJ, as I've come to call him. And he has a message!
For example, as long as Congress is banning medical procedures for 'moral' reasons and the Supreme Court is supporting them, I was thinking there are several other medical procedure which should also be banned:
1.) Injection of whatever it is into people's lips to make them like they are walking around sucking two giant pink grubs
2.) Breast implants which make the recipient look like they've had halves of basketballs glued to their chests. Here's an example of numbers 1 and 2!
3.) Pectoral implants. BJ says, "Yeesh!" and "See #2!".
4.) Also hair plugs. That doll head look is completely against the word of God according to BJ. Take a look for yourself:
We should force the bald and balding people of America to invest that extra money in microsurgical implantation. Looks completely natural!
5.) Chest hair transplants (BJ says, "Ewwww!!")
6.) Operations to make limbs longer. No exceptions for the health of the patient! BJ says if god made you short or lopsided, you better live short or lopsided!
7.) Face lifts. BJ and God want your face to age because when your face is unlined and your neck isn't, it makes Baby Jesus cry!
8.) Major surgery to correct massive traumatic injuries. BJ thinks if you are stupid enough to injure yourself that badly, you deserve to suffer!
9.) Vasectomies and tubal ligations! If God didn't want you to have kids, he would have made you sterile!
10.) BJ says, "Whatever she had done is definitely immoral!!"
So there you have it. Get tortured and have a religious conversion. Then escape to the outside world and proselytize the heck out of it. BJ approves! After all, he told other people what to do all the time!