The U S and A witnessed a great eruption of democracy recently, as protesters wielding bags of tea gathered together in groups large and small across this great nation, unified by their shared principles... bound together by their shared susceptibility to propaganda... marching along smartly behind a madly piping Joe the Plumber, blowing his drainpipe bassoon of doom. Yes, we all saw it on our televisions and our internets and marveled at our brave new world that has such people in, around, and on it.

However, all this brotherly and sisterly right wing oneness was marred somewhat by the giggling lefty chorus, who sang the haunting refrain from Kermit Muldoon's little known turn of the century Operetta, 'Of Tea, Bags, and Baggers! OH MY!'
Yes, Teabaggers. At first, the loving right wing throngs were confused.... some were heard to say, 'Why yes! We have teabags, which we brandish in order to illustrate the evils of taxation without representation, even though we have representation, but anyway, since we do this because we love our country then by all means... call us Teabaggers. Teabaggers for Freedom.'

Well, it all turned into an unfortunate misunderstanding. A kerfuffle, if you will. The phrase, "He said Teabagger... heh heh heh," was oft heard. A joyous day for America, during which a few Americans had planned to make a whole bunch of spurious and outrageous character based accusations against a bunch of their fellow Americans while the FoxNews cameras whirred and purred and the FoxNews anchors looked on and preened and simped -- well it was ruined, ruined I tell you! In the end, the main image people came away with from the whole shebang was that of a ballsack draped chin. Dark days, friends. These are dark days.

But you know, then I got to thinking.

What if, back in the day, when Rumsfeld and Cheney got together and decided that Enemy-Combatant-Al-Quaida-Type War-On-Terror-Radical-Islamist-Detainees-Who-Hate-Us-For-Our-Freedoms maybe should be waterboarded and then asked some tough questions..... well what if they were thinking of this?

Water. Boards. Waterboarding.

In your mind's ear, you might be hearing Dick Cheney saying something like, "Heck Yes, Rummy! That'll give them a taste of the freedom they so despise! Then they'll be putty in our hands, see? Putty!"

Hmm.

Nah. I'm pretty sure they meant the evil kind, you know, what with them being evil and all. Evil.

Still, If I were Rumsfeld's or Cheney's attorney, this is exactly what I would be doing. I would be creating the, "What? We thought it meant, you know, surfing..." defense.

Dark Days. Dark Days, Indeed.

Cowabunga, America.

Deadsidential candidate, Zombie Eugene Debs, delivers a speech on US-Iran relations.

A Warmonger's Warmonger
I Like Pie's endorsed candidate for the '08 election, Zombie Eugene Debs, has risen from the grave and sent us the following position paper on the "Warmonger" issue. - Cappy Rudyard

Recently, folksy radio host Ed Schultz called John McCain a "warmonger" and this is making some people cry crocodile tears. But the word "warmonger" has no real meaning if a person who sings "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" falls outside of its definition. I am here to state uneqivocally:

1. John McCain is a warmonger.
2. John McCain supports economic policies that will keep the world in a state of permanent war.
3. John McCain is tasty.

Let me explain:

#1. Self-evident.
#2. John McCain will "Cut The Corporate Tax Rate From 35 To 25 Percent." How does his pro-corporate, pro-plutocrat platform make him doubly a warmonger?

"They tell us that we live in a great free republic; that our institutions are democratic; that we are a free and self-governing people. This is too much, even for a joke. But it is not a subject for levity; it is an exceedingly serious matter. [The] Wall Street Junkers. . . are the gentry who are today wrapped up in the American flag, who shout their claim from the housetops that they are the only patriots, and who have their magnifying glasses in hand, scanning the country for evidence of disloyalty, eager to apply the brand of treason to the men who dare to even whisper their opposition to Junker rule in the United Sates. No wonder Sam Johnson declared that "patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel." He must have had this Wall Street gentry in mind, or at least their prototypes, for in every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the people." [The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech (1918)]

For proof of this connection we need look no further than McCain's continuous support for the Iraq War, for his rhetoric of maximum bellicosity toward Iran, and for the right of the US government to torture Iraqis and spy on Americans. This makes McCain the worst sort of Christian: the religious hypocrite.

"Thou shalt not kill" is now the law. But it applies only to individuals — not yet to nations. To slay your neighbor is murder — unless you are in uniform. But when the nation slays its neighbors and the killings mount into the thousands, it is not murder but patriotism to be proud of, glorify, and rejoice over. When shall peace come to earth? When the brute and savage shall have died in us and we have become human. In a word, peace will come to earth when humanity has been humanized, civilization civilized, and Christianity christianized. ["Peace on Earth." (1915)]

Yet some would vote for McCain despite the self-evident failure of the Iraq invasion to even have a purpose that a majority of citizens can name. They seem to think that our atrocities teach a valuable lesson, or at least one valuable to the Wall Street Junkers. They are deceived by confusing might and right, and along with faux Socialists like Dead Gus Hall*, insist that a strong Stalinesque hand is needed for real peace. Zombie Eugene Debs is here to tell you that is not the case. Social justice is the key.

"The end of profit and plunder among nations will also mean the end of war and the dawning of the era of 'Peace on Earth and Good Will among Men.'" ["Peace" (1916)]

#3. His pinkish orange pate no doubt houses a tasty brain. Zombies know these things.

* See also.

Post text by: MarkC
Image: Montag