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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Guest Bloggin': The Case Against Iran

Jar JarHeyo-dalee. Mesa Ja Ja Binks. Yousen President, Boss Bush, issen muy concerned aboot dissen berry bad situation wit Iran. Hesa berry worried yousa all getten pasted by a nu-qu-ler boomba! Hesa asken Ja Ja Binks to represent yousen as Special Delegate tada United Nations to present da evidence of dis grave and gathering threat. Mesa honored to be taken on dissa heavy burden, which mesa accept with muy muy humility.

Mesa also berry honored to have dissa opportunity to practice mesa spekch on yousen Fafmissen!

Prepared Remarks for Jar Jar Binks' U.N. Presentation

Tank yousa, Boss President.

Boss President, Boss Secretary General, Ambassadors, dellow felagates, heyo-dalee. Mesa Ja Ja Binks. My would liken to begin by expressing mesa tanks for da special effort dat each yousa made comen here tookie-dalee.

Dis isa muy bigo day for wesa all; as wesa review da situation wit respect to Iran's nu-qu-ler mackineeks; an da special restrictions da Security Council should enforcen above and beyond da limits of da Non Proliferation Treaty.

My would liken if yousa be yoken mesa PowerPoint slide show now, okeyday?

Title page
Iran issa berry dangerous threat in dis bombad time. Theysa working to producen nu-qu-ler mackineeks, thessen leader has shown hissen tabe completely cawazy, and theysa haven close relations wit terrorists. Theysa are extremists whosa want nothing less den da destruction of everyting good, just and democratic. Wesa must act immediately to eliminate dis threat, dis scourge dat threatens da entire planet.

Iran is worken to produce nu-qu-lar boombas.

Enrichment tubes
Our intelligessen tells us dat Iran has acquired many many tubes suitable for uranium enrichment. Eye witnesses have described da tubes as "Da kind dat are useful only for highly enrichen da weapons grade uranium." Wesa don't have a photograph of dees tubes, but dis is an artist's rendering of howsuch tube mighten be looken.

Detail drawings
Yousa mighten be remberen how Iraqi rocket scientist Modher Sadeq-Saba Tamimi got skeered when da war came and fled Iraq. Hesa went to Iran and wit him went dees deteeled plans for da long range boombas which mighten easily be armed wit nu-qu-lar warheads.

Underground facility
Let mesa spek aboot satellite images. Photos like dis sometimes hard for da average person to interpret. Hard for mesa! Da painstaking work of photo analysis tak experts with yearsa and yearsa experience, yoken hours and hours over light tables. But, as wesa yoken dis image, mesa will try to capture and explain what dey mean; what dey indicate to our imagery specialissen.

Dis is an image of an underground boomba facility. Itsa beneath da sand in a place called "Da Salt Desert." Dis is one of many such facilitissen in Iran. For da untrained eye, wesa have labeled da elements of dis facility. As yousa can yoken, deer are tree lonesome areas: receiven & storage aluminum tuben and yellow cake; da manufacturen plant itself; and da shippen. Dis facility employs 105 hissen worken tree shifts on da producten floor alone.

Iran's Boss has shown hissen completely cawazy.

Watsa more bombad den a nation wanten nu-qu-lar boombas? A nation wanten nu-qu-lar boombas wit a skeery cawazy Boss! Imageen dis picture morphen tada picture of Bin Laden... or Hitler... and yousen getten mesa meanen.

Iran hassen maxiclose relations wit terrorissen and extremissen.

Terrorist Meeting
Here is a frame of video captured at a high level al-Qaeda meeting meeting behind da scenes at last April's International Terror-Con '06. Yousa mighten be shocked and surprised to see dis unlikely alliance of participants, and da ease and familiarity implied by dat handshake; but dis typesa meeting happens all da time. Itsa provocative image, no doubten. But one dat wesa hope brings home da nature of da enemy. Dis is evil bombad alliance.

Blast circle
In showing dis, wesa are nomeanen dat wesa cannot protecten da homeland from attack; but as thought experiment, take justa minute to reflect on whata dis enemy's goal is. Dis is howa 500 kiloton blast here at da United Nations Building mighten be looken if wesa fail to act. Wesa do not want da smoking gun comen in da form of startlingly large concentric circles on da mapa Manhattan!

Wesa must be acten immediately!

Wesa are past da asken of "should wesa be acten?" Itsa muy too looney to be ponderen dat by now. Wesa musten be asken, "when should wesa act to eliminate dissen unique, berry bombad threat?" Looksen like wesa only got aboot... five minoots?! Oh, noooooooooo!

In response to da direct threat to da entire Earth Planet, mesa propose dat da Security Council give immediately emergency powers to Boss President Bush.


[Cross posted at: Stump Lane]

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Scalia, along with Kennedy and O'Connor, bear hugs the protesting Al Gore, who is trying to shake free. Through the crowd noises, Scalia can be heard saying, "Forget it, Al -- it's Chinatown."


Sunday, January 21, 2007
Uncle George,

First of all; congratulations are in order. It has been six years and two days since you last got out of the pen and there hasn't been a single indictment, not even a traffic ticket. AFAIK ;)

Re: our conversation last week

I saw your “free publicity that will put this place on the map." True, you are getting ongoing city-wide news coverage, but the story seems to be focused on how the ambulance wouldn't go down there without a police escort on account of bein' jacked too many times. I really don't think that is the kind of news which will pull in crowds of new customers. Also, I tend to see it as a *negative* when somebody becomes violently ill from food poisoning while eating at your restaurant.

As you may recall my identity was mysteriously stolen last year and my credit rating is still ruined, so I cannot remortgage my home or buy another in the foreseeable future. Also, the amount I could raise by selling my house seems insignificant compared to the amount you have already invested in this venture. I do not see how adding a few more dollars will change anything.

However, I don't want my brother and sister to blame me for their failure and my friend Freddy thinks I should compromise for my family. So I am selling my home, we will be closing on it next Thursday and I will be transferring $21,500 to your account immediately afterwards. I am only asking that you use what you really need and return the rest to me. It's just a suggestion really, it's not legally binding. In fact you could think of it as a New Years Resolution. Do you think you can do that? Please?

Friday, January 19, 2007
Friday Pie Day

President Bush and Condoleeza Rice in Guantanamo Bay

Pres Turns in Self and Condi Rice

WASHINGTON - Suggestions by the President and his Secretary of State that the U.S. did not fully support the Iraqi government have landed them in Guantanamo Bay, I Miss Fafblog, Spot has learned.

State Prime Minister of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki thundered that the suggestions by George W. Bush and Condoleeza Rice played into the hands of insurgents."I believe such statements give a morale boost to the terrorists and push them toward making an extra effort making them believe they have defeated the American administration," he said to the L.A. Times. "But I can tell you, they haven't defeated the Iraqi government."

Bush agreed with Maliki and in a stunning turn of events, demanded that he and his Secretary of State be arrested as "unlawful enemy combatants." Under the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the President is granted the extraordinary power to indefinitely detain himself and Ms. Rice for "purposefully and materially" supporting anti-U.S. hostilities. The bill also rejects their right to a speedy trial and limits their traditional right to self-representation, but it does allow the President to "set the rules" for their interrogations.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Gimme Danger

"I ain't exactly dumb, you know, Dick. I can get my own answers."

"Sure ya can, George...I guess that's why ya buzzed me in here so quick. You can maybe figure things out, but you're useless when it comes to doin' the dirty work. That's where I come in, see. You'll be right behind me all the way, but when the pinch comes, you'll try to shove me aside so you can get to call in the B52's yourself. That is, if you can shove me aside, and I don't think ya can."

"Okay, Dick, have it your own way. I want you in all right. But I want Ahmadinejad, too. Don't forget that. And I'm gonna beat you to him 'cause I have Olmert at my disposal and he's got the entire IAF to get the job done. I ain't short on brains, either pally," he reminded me.

"Don't worry, little buddy, I don't underestimate you. But you can't break an Iranian Revolutionary Guard commander's legs to make him spill his guts, and you can't shove his teeth in with the tip of a cruise missile to remind him that you're not foolin' around. I like doin' my own 'leg work,' and there's a whole lotta guys who'll tell me exactly what I wanna know because they know what I'll do to them if they don't. I'm very single-minded, and very disciplined."

Monday, January 15, 2007

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Could you help me out here Spot, I don't have a dictionary with me. Isn't augmentation where they turn a boob into a bigger boob? Specifically, surgically adding extraneous volume to an existing boob to enhance its’ appearance rather than its’ function.

Saturday, January 13, 2007
Friday Six Days Early Pie Blogging

This is a Stargazy Pie, just chock full a nuggety lip-smackin' nutrition. It's got fiber and protein, minerals, vitamins and loads a brain buildin' Omega-3's. You ask why there's fish heads stickin' up outa that pie crust? Well DUHH. We don't want any fish heads in our pie. Now, you might be thinkin that this is some sorta allegory for the president or his Surge n' Purge™ strategory.But you'd be wrong because, eeeuuh....yuck, we don't allow no half-baked fish pies around here.

Weekend Roundup

There are some things that move a man to tears. You seldom see him cry, because he does it quietly, and often to himself. Yet I know of Fox News Channel panelists and White House spokesmen who have been so shocked and chagrined by Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer's brutal attack on Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Senate hearing on Thursday that they openly cried.

What exactly did Boxer do to Condi? Brace yourself, the Golden State's junior lawmaker asked her this: "Who pays the price? I'm not going to pay a personal price. My kids are too old, and my grandchild is too young. You're not going to pay a particular price, as I understand it, with an immediate family."

I know, I know! Nothing quite so unnerves a man as tasteless jibes about a woman being childless, so I'm sorry, sir (or ma'am!) -- but I had to print that. I have a responsibility. Now I'll give you some time to pull yourself back together.

Feeling better now? Good. Where were we? Oh yeah...

Yes, I have a resposibility. People rely on me -- not for insurance policies but for insurance protection. Whoops, wrong copy! Nix that!

Yes, I have a resposibility. People rely on me and the media to feign outrage and twist the words of Democrats who dare to ask the Secretary of State for estimates of the cost in blood to our troops if the president's plan to escalate is actually implemented.

There. I've done my duty. Perhaps I'll even get a nice mention from Condi, like the one she blabbed into that open mic between morning show interviews, "My Fox guys, I love every single one of them!" Who doesn't?!

Friday, January 12, 2007
Friday Pie Day


"Why," I said, glancing at Cheney, "that's the front door bell. Who would come by tonight? Some friend of yours, perhaps?"

"Except for you, I have none," he answered. "I don't encourage visitors.This must be urgent business. Nothing less would bring someone out on such an evening and at such an hour."

Then came a loud knocking at the door.

"Come in!" Cheney yelled.

The man entering was well-groomed, with an air of refinement and delicacy in his bearing. The wet umbrella told of the weather through which he had come.

"l owe you an apology," he said, raising a pince-nez to his eyes. "I trust I'm not intruding...I fear that I have brought traces of rain into your snug White House."

"Give me your umbrella, Abrams," said Cheney. "You have come from the State Department, I see."

"Yes, from a meeting with Ms. Rice." he said, surprised.

"Indeed," said Cheney. "That clay and sand mixture upon your shoes is quite distinctive."

"I got her approval, Dick!" he suddenly blurted out.

"That is easily gotten," Cheney muttered with a sly grin.

"Now we just need the President to sign off on it," said our visitor, glancing in my direction.

"I have heard of you, Mr. Abrams," I exclaimed. "You are my Deputy National Security Advisor for Global Democracy Strategy! I beg that you will draw your chair up to the fire and favor me with some details regarding this 'signing-off.'"

"Ahhh. It's about Hamas, George," said Cheney. "Elliot has a plan to violently overthrow the Palestinians' newly-elected Hamas government."

"You mean a hard coup?" I asked. "But how?"

"We want to support Fatah with guns, ammunition and training, so that they might fight Hamas for control of the Palestinian government," our visitor replied.

The room was quiet save for crackling logs as I struggled with the possibilities. "Hmmm...what are the downsides here, dear Cheney?"

"Well," he answered. "The Pentagon hates the plan, the US embassy in Israel hates it, the Israelis hate it. Even Secretary Rumsfeld hates it. They think it will fail because Hamas cannot be replaced -- that its rival, Fatah, is disintegrating. They also appear concerned that our anti-Hamas 'program' could backfire, radicalizing our Muslim allies and eventually endangering our troops fighting the Sunni insurgency in Iraq."

"You fill me with interest," I said. "Pray give me the plan's upsides."

"Sowing the seeds of civil war among an occupied people would most certainly advance your program for democracy in the Middle East, Mr. President," he replied.

I thought to myself that there are always flaws in the best laid of human plans as I set pen to paper approving Elliot Abram's secret program. Its implementation was now under the control of the CIA.

Thursday, January 11, 2007
Plan 9 from [Somewhere Mortal Minds Cannot Begin to Fathom]

A lot of you have still been asking, "What will Victory look like in Iraq?" But trust me, Dears, as we've implored you before; have faith, you will know what it Victory in Iraq looks like when you see it!


Oh, all right! If you must know, I will tell you.

Victory, by definition, will look however our leaders say it will look, and since Our Very Bestest Leader has had something to say about this recently, I'll use this space to share that vision with you now.

Victory in Iraq: [In VictoryVision!™ where available.]
Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship.[*] But victory in Iraq will bring something new in the Arab world -- a functioning democracy that polices its territory, upholds the rule of law, respects fundamental human liberties, and answers to its people. A democratic Iraq will not be perfect. But it will be a country that fights terrorists instead of harboring them -- and it will help bring a future of peace and security for our children and our grandchildren. [White House: President's Address to the Nation]

*Under advisement, Victory will also not manifest itself in any more 'ceremonies on the deck of a battleship' where the Commander in Chief declares an end to major combat operations beneath a sign reading 'Mission Accomplished.'

"That's all well-and-good," you might say, and ask, "What will Democracy in Iraq look like?" And you'd be a very naughty little subject for asking. What is it with you people anyway? The words of The Medium Lobster on this topic are many; and The Medium Lobster has been very clear.

Democracy in Iraq will bear the outward appearance of the type of Democracy that manifests itself there, when it comes to fruition.
  • Will we see everyday Iraqis participating in regional meetings held on lush hillsides, dressed in crisp white togas with garlands in their hair?

  • Will it be a bicameral legislature where middle aged men in powdery white whigs and heavy robes assemble to decide the issues of the day?

  • Perhaps Iraqi women will signal the beginning of something democratic with a march on Versailles to protest the harsh economic conditions wrought by tyrannical Frenchified defeatism in opposing the endowing of the Mid East region with universal Freedom, Liberty and Democracy.

  • I dare say, that it isn't outside the realm of possibility that it may look something like our own modern-style Democracy; where carefully orchestrated public elections decide the make-up of a three branch federal government; the officials of which carefully monitor the activities of all of its citizens via security cameras and microphones installed in every home and street corner; with a mandate from The People to maintain order, safety and, of course, the personal political power of elected officials.

Today, we don't ask that you envision Democratic Iraq in terms any clearer than those of an abstract pointillist painting at close range. In fact, like the pointillist painting, the situation in Iraq is best understood when examined from afar; and with a slight squint. Don't worry, we will let you know where to stand and what to look for, when the time comes. Unless, of course, you disagree with us. In which case, you are now obligated to produce, in super high definition down to the last, most minute detail, your plan for success in Iraq. (You'll have to use Blu-Ray or HD DVD, because VictoryVision!™ doesn't even know how to render such defeatist nonsense.)

But, consider first, is yours a plan for Victory: like a topical antibiotic ointment to assist the healing bandage of military might? Or is yours a plan for Failure: like ripping the band-aid off real fast so it "doesn't hurt"? Ask any child, for a simple and accurate assessment of that latter course.

The disparity between these -- the only two conceivable courses of action -- is stark. With nothing but nothingness in between. Which is exactly what Our Very Bestest Leader very eloquently expressed when, in the very same speech quoted above, he said:
From Afghanistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian Territories, millions of ordinary people are sick of the violence, and want a future of peace and opportunity for their children. And they are looking at Iraq. They want to know: Will America withdraw and yield the future of that country to the extremists, or will we stand with the Iraqis who have made the choice for freedom?

Citizens, as always, we do not ask much of you. We only ask for your continued faith in leadership and the universal appeal of Liberty. (And, in some rare cases, your military age offspring.)

Now, does anyone have a satisfactory alternative plan for establishing a functioning democracy that polices its territory, upholds the rule of law, respects fundamental human liberties, and answers to the people in Iraq?


I didn't think so.

--Chaplain Montag of the First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

[1.12.07: slightly edited for grammar, punctuation and readability.]

Clash Of The Titans

I slammed my fist down so hard that it broke the top of my desk. The two of 'em rocked back hard in their chairs with their mouths hangin' open. I had their attention now.

I says, "Reid, you forgot somethin'. I'm a guy that don't take crap from nobody, see? You also forgot that I'm still the big cheese around here even if some o' you guys don't like it that way. If I wanna escalate the American military presence in Iraq, I'm gonna escalate the American military presence in Iraq. Got me? Screw the mid-term election results. Screw the Iraq Study Group, screw Maliki and screw my own generals, for that matter! I've dealt with punks tougher than they'll ever be."

I knew they were scared now. I knew they'd try to bluff their way outta this. So Pelosi decides to pipe up. "Go ahead. Try it, Dubya. Maybe you're not so tough now that ya don't have a majority in Congress. Go ahead, tough guy. Just try it!"

She started to laugh at me so I pulled a sword outta my desk drawer and cut her head clean off. Reid screams, "Oh my God!" and stares at me, eyes wide, shakin' like a leaf. I raised the sword until he was looking right at the tip that just might be his ticket to Arlington.

"You wanna dare me too, Harry?"

Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Financial Advice Please

Dear Spot,

What do you think I should do?

Uncle George is a sweet old guy with the proverbial silver tongue. As long as I can remember he was usually being supported by some widow woman or another, right up until that little misunderstanding with the law. When he got out of the pen, he said he was gonna go straight. He was gonna quit drinking and open a bar down by the old stockyards. Which is a part of town where they do go through a lot of beer. I wondered how he could stay sober working in a bar every day and I remember I did ask him how a convicted felon was going to get a liquor license. But, he is one of those charming rogues that can sell shoes to a snake, and by the time he got through explaining that he didn't need a liquor license for a 'Vegan Sushi Bar' it seemed to make sense. In fact my brother and sister both fronted him startup money as silent partners.

They had Uncle George bring them over in his BMW last night to try to get me to invest money too. They said they had, “a temporary cash flow problem." I said, "What do you mean temporary, that place hasn't made a dime since you opened it four years ago." Sis started cryin', blubbering about believing in her dream and how she, "knew in her heaart," she should stay on course for success. Back when Dad died, Grandfather had put his fortune into a trust fund for us three grandchildren. I was pretty sure that was what they were after. It's supposed to be locked away from Uncle George, but when I started feeling sorry for her, I suggested that if she really wanted it that bad, I guessed it would be OK to pull out her share. They, all three, got this same stunned look on their face and I started feeling real stupid.

Long story told short - The trust fund is, in fact, gone. They have sold off everything that could be sold, my brother has cashed in his retirement account, and my sister actually sold Mom's wedding ring, the ring that Mom was given by her Grandmother. Uncle George, of course, has been drawing a comfortable salary as manager of this fine establishment the whole time. Uncle George also happens to know that I have a little more than $20,000 equity in this house. Creepy. He explained how, if I sell my house and give him the $20,000, that extra $20,000 will be just enough to finally get that business booming. And, I will have enough left over to make a deposit on a little apartment.

My brother tells me that, if I don't give them the money to finally succeed, then the inevitable failure will be my fault. My sister says if I don't help then, "all their sacrifices won't mean anything." I don't think their money meant much to them anyway, if they threw it away on a stupid scheme like this. On the other hand, they are family. I don't want everybody blaming me for their problems. It might be easier to just give them the money and hope that this time they will learn and change.

What would you do?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Sunday, January 07, 2007
Surge 'n Purge

This strategy favored by the 'neocon' crowd sure gets results. Not good results, but results nonetheless! The thinking goes, first we flood Baghdad with 20-30,000 additional US troops so that the Iraqi parliament can safely secure passage of a new oil law that will open Iraq for large-scale exploitation by Western oil companies. Then, we throw it all up!

The net result will be a temporarily tamed Baghdad and 30-year contracts for big oil companies like BP, Shell and Exxon to extract Iraqi crude, and the first large-scale operation of foreign oil interests in the country since the industry was nationalized in 1972. Under this new law, oil companies will be allowed to take up to 75 per cent of the profits until they have recouped their initial drilling costs. After that, they'll collect about 20 per cent of all profits, about twice the industry average for such deals. Sweet!

Of course there are fears that the eventual withdrawl of American troops means that oil companies won't be able to continue to exploit a weak Iraq. Not to worry! These favorable terms can't be changed in the future, and enough American troops will remain behind in permanent bases to allow us to indefinitely continue to control Iraq's destiny.

Hey, you say, 'surge 'n purge' sounds kinda like what killed Karen Carpenter! That it won't make us look pretty, nor will it make us lean and strong. That it'll just make us gaunt with our skin hanging down, while we keep thinking we're fat. That we'll never reach our goal, whatever it is! Plus, we'll stink!

A much better approach is to figure out how much energy we need to sustain our lean mass while avoiding highly processed fossil fuels -- and head thataway. Then, with proper exercise, we'll look and feel beautiful!

If we are tempted to 'surge 'n purge,' stop! Let's talk to someone like Wesley Clark...or retired defense intelligence officer for the Middle East W. Patrick Lang...'surge 'n purge' won't help us in any way!

Friday, January 05, 2007

When Your New Best Source Is Imaginary
by Michelle Malkin, Ph.D.

Your news service has a new best friend, Capt. Jamil Hussein. Jamil is always available to play and share stories with your reporters in Baghdad. Jamil never demands special food or toys, and never has to be picked up or taken home. Sounds too good to be true, right? It sure is! Jamil is a figment of the AP's imagination!

According to CENTCOM, and research by blogger Flopping Aces, the AP's chilling story on burning and shooting during a sectarian attack at a Sunni mosque was likely to be based on an imaginary source, or even a stuffed animal! Mr. Aces has also uncovered big differences in personality and reporting between news-gatherers for the AP who have this imaginary source, and those who don't, like Judith Miller, formerly of the NY Times. His study suggests that, somehow, these AP reporters tend to be much better at seeing things from a terrorist's perspective!

Now, some of us so-called 'warbloggers' view the emergence of an imaginary source with alarm. Is the AP compensating for a lack of stimulation? Are their reporters socially maladjusted? Should we discourage their imaginary source, or play along? Negative Iraq stories may simply be their reporters' imaginative way of trying to understand concepts of authority, right and wrong, and punishment. An imaginary source may help the reporter cope with difficult emotions. For example, say the AP reporter spills a glass of milk. He may then quote his imaginary source saying that "Shiite militiamen grabbed six Sunnis as they left Friday worship services, doused them with kerosene and burned them alive near Iraqi soldiers who did not intervene," as a way of dealing with his or her guilt over the spilt milk.

When should you become concerned? Take your cue from the intensity and duration of the reporter's involvement with the imaginary source. A reporter who avoids meaningful interaction with CENTCOM's approved list of sources, preferring instead to play with an invented source, may be experiencing psychological distress. Imaginary sources may eventually disappear, but when AP reporters continue to focus on Jamil Hussein for two years, you might consider consulting a professional to determine if the reporters have any underlying concerns or anxieties.

That's where I come in. An imaginary source is a sign that your reporters are having difficulty dealing with the complex issues that confront all Americans as we 'interact' with Iraq. So I am taking up Eason Jordan on his offer to to go to Baghdad that I may gently but firmly prove to the AP that Jamil is only make-believe.

Be reassured, readers; I'll be gentle when challenging this enchanting facet of the AP's reportage. Their reporters are meeting the sometimes daunting challenges of reporting in a hostile environment in an inventive and imaginative fashion.


UPDATE: The Interior Ministry acknowledged today that an Iraqi police officer whose existence had been denied by the Iraqis and the U.S. military is in fact an active member of the police force, and said he now faces arrest for speaking to the media.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Blasphemy In Our Nation's Capitol

Despite the valiant efforts of Virginia Rep. Virgil Goode, incoming Muslim/Democrat Rep.-elect Keith Ellison will be taking his oath of office tomorrow on the Koran. I Miss Fafblog, Spot has learned that the new congressman will hold the personal copy previously owned by Osama bin Laden.

"He wanted to use a Koran that was special," says al-Qaeda spokesman Atiyah Abd al-Rahman, who was contacted by the Minnesota Dem early in December. Osama bin Laden, hiding out in the Pakistani region of Waziristan, was happy to help.

Ellison will take his official oath of office on the Satanic Bible along with the other incoming Democrats in the House chamber, then use the Koran in his individual, ceremonial oath with antiChrist Nancy Pelosi. "Keith is paying respect not only to San Francisco's Church of Satan, but to bin Laden himself," said Ellison's spokesman Rick Jauert.

Goode released a letter two weeks ago objecting to Ellison's use of the Koran. Now he also objects to Pelosi's plan to slaughter a baby during the swearing-in, so Democrats can drink his blood and eat his flesh. Afterwards, Pelosi intends to perform a sex act on the floor of the House chamber with all of her incoming minions. "I believe that the overwhelming majority of voters in my district would prefer the use of the Bible," the Virginia Republican told Fox News, and then went on to warn about what he regards as the dangers of having inaugurations and other special occasions celebrated by a "real heretic Priestess."

We Get Letters

Like this one:

"Help! I've been working on this project, and all along the way I stayed in contact with my boss to confirm orders to 'stand down as the Iraqis stand up,' and 'maintain current troop levels,' which I needed from him. Don't you hate it when your boss can't give you a straight answer and has to ask everyone else? What's a boss for, if he can't give you a straight answer, anyway!? Well, I kept a record of all my attempts to get information from him so I can cover my ass, since there appears to be no loyalty in this job at all!

Anyway, it finally happened. Yesterday he tried to blame me for his incompetence -- in the NY Times! Today, he told me that he wants me to take the blame for his screw ups. He said, 'It would be better, if I said that you were handling this project, ahhhh...your way... could come know...still respect me.'

Guess what? He loses! No one in this company respects him! What an asshole!

Anyone else have a boss like this?"


Anonymous Top Commander in Baghdad

Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Six, Five, Four

Six, Five, Four

and Three Fafblog hosts

These are a few of the things

that I miss the most

Ya know, Spot, I think that if Fafblog was still active (to my limited perception) that that would help with my huge sense of loss for the various amendments in the Bill of Rights as well. Somehow Giblets, Fafnir or The Medium Lobster could always find the lighter brighter positive side to compromising basic civil rights. Somehow The Medium Lobster could explain just how substituting a grandiose slogan like 'War On Terror' for an actual war* could make sense. Somehow, Spot, when Giblets and Fafnir discussed it, I could laugh about losing the right to a speedy and public trial. I could joke about being compelled to be a witness against myself, and could be downright jolly about the right cause to probably be insecure in my person, house, papers, and effects.


1. A conflict involving use of weapons and physical force by states or other large-scale groups, coinciding with a lack of dialogue between the parties. Warring parties usually hold territory, which they can win or lose; and each has a leading person or organisation which can surrender, or collapse, thus ending the war.

2. A legal state created by a declaration of war and ended by official declaration during which the international rules of war apply

Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


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Sumatran Rhino
Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
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This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

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