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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Saturday, March 31, 2007

Une superbe chanson!


Controversy Over Chocolate Jesus

NEW YORK CITY - Controversy has erupted over a six foot sculpture of Jesus carved from chocolate that will go on display at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel during Holy Week.

Canadian-born artist artist Cosimo Cavallaro calls his sculpture, "My Sweet Lord," and he has invited people to eat it before it's taken down on Easter Sunday.

The sculpture depicting Jesus naked on the cross has been dubbed the "485,000 calorie Messiah," but while Catholic groups call it offensive to millions of people, the Chocolate Society has called it a mouth-watering treat for hundreds of New Yorkers.

"Everybody knows the Body of Christ is made out of unleavened bread," said Keira McCafferty of the Catholic League.

"In Christian tradition a human being is not just someone with a body, but is someone who is a body! Catholics must think beyond a narrow understanding of Christ's body as a collection of water and wheat flour," replied Linda Cadeaux of the Chocolate Society.

Chocolate Jesus is scheduled to be on display starting Monday.

Update: A spokesman for the the Roger Smith Hotel announced that My Sweet Lord's appearance at The Lab Gallery has been canceled.

Update II: The decision to close the show was made by the president of the Roger Smith Hotel, who said, "We have caused the cancellation of the exhibition and wish to affirm the dignity and responsibility of the Hotel in all its affairs."

The gallery's artistic director Matt Semler, says the decision to close was due to intimidation, claiming the hotel and gallery were inundated with angry emails and phone calls that included death threats. He has resigned in protest.

I suspect that the threatening calls did not come from the gentle members of the Chocolate Society, who are known to cherish peace, love, and understanding almost as much as the cacao bean.

Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday Pie Blogging: Candied Pie!


Non-stick vegetable spray

1/3 c. butter, melted

2 (8 1/2 oz.) pkgs. chocolate wafers, crumbled

1 half gallon vanilla ice cream or frozen yogurt, softened

1/3 c. each of six different kinds of candy

Candy for garnish

Spray a 10 inch pie plate with non-stick vegetable spray. Mix butter and wafer crumbs in pie plate. Press on bottom and sides. Microwave on high (100% power) for 2 minutes, rotating every 30 seconds, or preheat oven and bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Place on rack to cool.

When crust is cool, place half the ice cream or yogurt on top of crust and smooth into place, using a large spoon. Use a knife or a spoon to mark the ice cream or yogurt into six wedges. Cover each with a different type of crushed candy, taking care not to overlap candies. Top with remaining ice cream or yogurt. Freeze at least 4 hours or overnight. Garnish with candy as desired. Serves 8.

Mmmm… ice cream and candy! Nothing wrong with a few sweets now and then as long. Just remember that they should be a small part of a well balanced diet made up of a variety of foods.


Thursday, March 29, 2007
and this is Candied Advice

The President has clearly stated that full disclosure of conversations within the White House would keep him from receiving candied advice. Many people have assumed that this was just another excuse because they have failed to realize two things.
#1. Just how true this statement is.
and #2. Just how important candied advice is in this administration.

What follows is an actual transcript of an actual conversation within the White House. We have decided to withhold the name of the aide, and on the advice of our attorneys, we have blacked out the President's side of the conversation to avoid infringing on his intellectual property rights.

-I'm sorry to barge in like this, I believe this is quite urgent - could I have just a moment to show you this, sir? I'm afraid it’s very important.

-Yes Sir, steak and eggs I see, excellent choice.

-Hahahaha - nobody tells a blonde joke like you.

-Yes I do think the camouflage silk pajamas are impressive. But then everything looks manly on you, commander. The green berets on the fluffy gorilla slippers are a nice touch too, very striking.

-She did? Really? Hahahaha Well the reason I'm here is actually...

-Yes, of course it will wait until after your workout. Gotta keep that great body in shape, eh?

-But the Secret Service always gets so testy when I punch your gut. Well OK. WOW that's one hard set of abs, sir.

-Perhaps you would like to look at these reports now...?

-No, no, not another poll, Karl said he would be taking care of those for now. Apparently they need expert interpretation.

-Yes hahahaha

-I couldn't agree more.

-Sir! California is sliding into the ocean as we speak and we need to...

-Oh, No Sir, I could never assume to tell you what to do!

-I am so sorry I blurted that out, I don't know what came over me.

-Yes, I believe California was a blue state.

-I'm sure Karl can tell you just exactly how that affects the Electoral College. But shouldn't we...?

-Well just like they say, clothes may make the man, but hand sewn snake skin boots do make the man taller, eh?

-Excuse me?

-Your right sir, my time is up. It is so important to stick to a balanced schedule isn't it. Shall I leave a message for Dick to check in when he comes out of anesthesia? Very good Sir, perhaps you can look at this later? Tomorrow, perhaps?

As you can see, it would be extremely embarrassing for any aide to have to reveal all the candied advice they have given.


Dobson Takes Issue With Pope
Ken from Ken's Kitchen in Pasadena

Addressing a gathering of scientists at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, Calif., the Rev. James Dobson criticized Pope Benedict XVI in the strongest terms for characterizing 'the Fiery Inferno" as being merely a "symbolic state" of "separation from God." Hell really is a place where the unrighteous burn in everlasting fire, the Rev. James Dobson thundered, claiming that religious scientists at the Creation Science Research Center in Dallas, Texas have discovered its actual existence in the distant reaches of outer space, using an inerrant Christian Reconstruction telescope.

Hell is a substructure of galaxy 1364. Its sheer size, the incredibly high heat that roasts sinners continuously without end while their bodies are being chewed on by bugs and stabbed by pig head-wearing messengers of Satan means that it can only be classified as an afterlife of unbearable suffering, Dobson said. Currently about 666 times further from our galaxy than any other, Hell is the farthest-known object in the solar system, and the darkest.

"It can only be seen with our Mighty Righteous Telescope over the next 40 days and 40 nights, and is currently almost directly overhead in the night sky above New York City in the constellation Fornax," said Ken Ham, who made the discovery on March 8.

Dobson warned that the Second Coming is near, and the world needs to prepare. There's no telling when it will arrive, he said, but when it does, "there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."


Bringing Hell Back

By Chaplain Montag
First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

ROME -- Many I Miss Fafblog, Spot! readers write in asking what they should make of the recent Catholic catechism explaining that Hell is a "state of eternal separation from God," to be understood "symbolically rather than physically."

From the Pope's* recent statements though, we might understand the catechism far better if we replace, "state of eternal separation from God," with, "eternal damnation -- the inferno"; and replace, "symbolically rather than physically," with, "really exists and is eternal."

This is a much stronger position than the namby-pamby one advanced by the previous Pope who was both Heaven-skeptical and Hell-apologetical. That Pope called Heaven, "neither an abstraction nor a physical place in the clouds"; and claimed Hell was not "a place" but rather a "state" of being.

*Devout Fafmissen may recall that the current Pope Supremicus Magnifium Increate the Worldstomping is none other than the artist formerly known as Fafblog!'s Giblets.

P.S. There's no Limbo, either. God doesn't deal in half-measures.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

All hail the Mighty Karl!


Tuesday, March 27, 2007
No Way To Treat A Pal

Faster her feet flew, faster and faster. It was rough going, but they had to keep up the pace. Soon they would stop, he must be running out of breath too. Just a little longer though, and she'd be

She might have gotten away, but his foot got caught in a pothole and he fell heavily with a loud cry. Her strength was almost gone, she could barely pull him to his feet. She could no longer struggle. She shut her eyes...

Was it the wind and rain that drowned out the sound of the bus bearing down on them from the curve? Neither Paul McNulty nor Monica Goodling heard it until the glare of the lights was upon them, silhouetting their straining bodies sharply against the darkened Capitol Building. The brakes screamed as she pushed away from Paul...there was a loud smacking sound and a grunt and then a crunching thud...Senator Schumer leapt from the bus, unnaturally tall in the blinding white light...He reached out his arms to Monica...

"Paul! Oh, Paul! Where is Paul?" she cried out, but she already knew. He lay crumpled in the mud of the road under the bus.


Dear Ken,

Since November, I've been so depressed and lonely. My problem is now I'm really depressed. I always go to bed early, but now I wake up still tired, even after a full night's sleep! I hate socializing and I don't have any friends except Karl. I spend all my time alone in the Oval Office thinking about clearing brush and weight-lifters, then I cry myself to sleep at night. I sense that the entire country suspects I feel this way.

My self-esteem is in the dumper because, let's face it, I'm in waaaay over my cabeza. I hated giving that last State of the Union speech. They stared at me same way they stared at Nixon! I hate them, I really do! I'm becoming angrier and more vicious every day. I say hurtful things to people and when I get really mad, I kick Willie, our cat, until I'm all tuckered out.

I dunno, maybe I push everything so far because of mom. You know, so I can finally figure out if she loves me or not. The rest of my family seems fine, though. What gives? Maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe I'm just imagine things are worse than they are. Is it all in my mind?

- Lonely At The Top

Dear Lonely At The Top,

I'm afraid not!


Monday, March 26, 2007

Well. Who am I to argue with 'popular demand?' I mean, I am more compelled by 'popular demand' than your average elected official. So, by 'popular demand,' your I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot! is this image, from the Men Behaving Badly post:

It isn't the work of a commenter. Heck it isn't even a textual comment at all. But there it is in all it's glory: the artistic stylings of our own Ken from Ken's Kitchen. This image was nominated for the prestigious award by none other than Bodiciah T. Rentlord III, who to my mind, was himself the front-runner for the award for his news teaser for a story oddly overlooked by my local news programs:
This just in:
HPV linked to male hair loss and impotence. FDA requires all children to be immunized by age 10. DHS issues contracts to immediately ramp up production of vaccine. Details at 11:00

If I am not mistaken, though, Mr. Rentlord III will have no regrets. 'cuz he's gracious like that.

Well played, Ken from Ken's Kitchen!

Clicks this week were brought to us by Brainshrub and The Agonist. Thanks!

Sunday, March 25, 2007
From The White House Kitchen...To Yours!

Liar's Cookies

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting work surface
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar
2 large eggs
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled briefly
1/4 cup freshly squeezed orange juice
1 1/2 tablespoons brandy
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 teaspoon ground anise seeds
4 to 6 cups peanut or vegetable oil, for deep-frying
About 2 cups powdered sugar

Sift the flour with the baking powder, salt, and sugar and set aside. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, mix together the eggs, butter, orange juice, brandy, vanilla, and anise seeds until well blended. Add the dry ingredients all at once and mix on low speed until the dough cleans the sides of the bowl and adheres to the paddle.

Remove the dough from the bowl onto a floured board. Knead by hand until smooth. Form the dough into a ball, flatten slightly, and place in a bowl. Cover with a tea towel and chill at least 2 hours or up to overnight to allow the dough to relax.

Heat the oil in a deep fryer or deep pot to 350 degrees F.

Meanwhile, cut the dough into 4 or 6 equal pieces. Keeping the dough and work surface well floured, pass the dough through the widest setting of a pasta machine 3 or 4 times. Then pass through successively narrower settings until the dough is almost thin enough to see through; depending on your pasta machine, this will probably be the next to thinnest setting.

Cut the dough into long strips 3 inches wide, then cut the strips on the diagonal into pieces about 3 inches long. If the dough tears, cut it off and work it back into the dough. The cookies curl when they fry, so fancier shapes are not important. As the cookies are cut, transfer them to baking sheets lined with flour-dusted tea towels, and cover with tea towels so they won't dry out before frying. Fry in batches, turning once, until puffed and golden brown, about 1 minute. Transfer with a slotted spoon to paper towels to drain.

While the cookies are still hot, dust them well with powdered sugar. Wait for a few minutes while the oil and heat absorb and melt most of this first coating. Dust well a second time until the cookies are quite white. The cookies will keep for a week or so in an airtight container. You may need to re-dust them with sugar before serving.

Only a few cookies at a time will fit, even in a big pot, so frying takes time. It is best to have Bush toadies like "Fredo" Gonzales in the kitchen, ready with lots of "tall tales" to keep you amused. And there are always the warm cookies to eat along the way as a reward! You can also dredge the cookies in granulated sugar, crystal sugar, or even a mix of powdered sugar and unsweetened cocoa powder.

Thanks for the recipe, Chef! - K

Saturday, March 24, 2007
Why Would I Lie To You?

Come on in...the water's hot!

Men Behaving Badly

Q "We spoke with the Senate Judiciary Committee and the House Judiciary Committee. Senate says there is no precedent for having an official of this nature come and speak to the Committee without a transcript. The House also says they can't find any precedent. Why should this case set a precedent?"

MR. SNOW: "Well, the fact is what they're trying to do is to establish their own set of precedents. What we're trying to do is to set a precedent for adult behavior in a way that is going to reflect well on a situation and offer an opportunity...I don't think you're going to find any case where there has been no allegation of impropriety, no specific..."

Friday, March 23, 2007

JULY 23 - Aug 22

Show that special committee the real you --- the good, bad, and ugly. Being upfront and assertive will gain you respect. Being unavailable will not work in your favor, and trying too hard to please your boss can result in trouble! Abrupt changes are coming, but they are for the best of the country.


Not long from now, in a place not so far away.

Mailboxes a Point of Contention

Many US residents are beginning to notice the proliferation of Star Wars themed mailboxes. The boxes, decorated as the heroic and memorable R2-D2, commemorate the tri-decadial celebration of the first Rebel victory against the oppressive Galactic Empire.

Reaction to the droided-out boxes has been mixed, though.

Through a series of robotic chirps, beeps and whistles, semi-famous droid R5-D4 told I Miss Fafblog, Spot! "It's troubling that the United States Postal Service, with this campaign, is willing to perpetuate the unrealistic physical ideals that young droids come to feel they must live up to." D4 went on to say that the emphasis placed on round-headedness is harmful, and discriminatory against conically-headed astromechs.

D4 is herself a conically-headed droid, a spokesman for R2-D2 said. "R5-D4 is a cone head with a bad motivator. She's not even an R2 unit! Everybody knows the 5th gen Astros were lemons!" Said Month Kurot, Noscur of the public relations firm Newo, which represents D2. "I don't think the real issue here is how droids are portrayed in the media. More likely some sort of personal vendetta on Ms. D4's part. Mr. D2 is quite comfortable with his portrayal in the media. There is no victim here."

In the past, when asked about D4, R2-D2 has chirped, "She always conducts herself very professionally. Very pleasant to work with. I have the utmost respect [for her.]"

Thursday, March 22, 2007

7th Annual Purity Ball

"I can't say how impressed I am with your dancing, little lady. I'm rather awed by your marvelous athletic ability. And you look all aglow in your beautiful gown."

"Thanks, daddy." Blushing, she bent her head down.

"Anyway, the reason why I'm here with you tonight at this...ah, because I, um, want to ask you to promise me you'll be precious in the sight of God."

She looked up, surprised. "Huh?"

Her dad looked suddenly alarmed. " I want us to make a pledge of purity to one another and to God," he blurted out.

"I guess...but why now, all of a sudden, daddy?"

Gabriel swallowed and brushed a strand of his daughter's blonde hair from the collar of his suit. He spoke haltingly, trying to pick just the right words. "You're a...a big,'re ten years old, transmitted diseases are at epidemic levels today among teens...I...I...

Brianna's face fell. "Oh."

There was silence between them for awhile as they continued dancing, then Gabriel spoke up. "Well, princess? Will you be my partner? Will you take the vow with your old dad and benefit from this marvelous, Christ-centric event?"

She thought about saying no, but then she looked into his deep green eyes, and she got lost...

Justice Emails Go Missing

Hernando Gonzales

WASHINGTON - The Department of Justice is claiming that a critical 18 days worth of emails pertaining to the U.S. attorney-firing scandal have gone missing. The emails cover the time period from November 15 thru December 4, 2006 and could offer a crucial glimpse into why the attorneys were fired and the strategy for containing the political fallout.

The missing emails were last seen with a short Hispanic man named Hernando Gonzales, who drives a black SUV with tinted windows and a Washington, D.C. license plate. The Justice Department is actively searching for the man for information on the whereabouts of the emails.

Mr. Gonzales approached Justice Department officials on the afternoon of March 19 to say he needed to borrow the now-missing emails for an hour, but a spokesman for the department said it was unclear where Hernando went after they were in his possession.

"The time frame of the missing emails has got the White House and Justice concerned," the spokesman said. "Family members claim that Mr. Hernandez does not have a history of going missing for extended periods of time," he added.

Hernando is described as a mustachioed 5 foot 7 inch, 180-pound Hispanic male with brown hair and brown eyes. Anyone with information on his whereabouts should contact the Office of the Attorney General at (202) 353-1555.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Bush's Busy Week


Hooters Not Opening In Baghdad Anytime Soon

LAS VEGAS - Hooters, the popular US chain restaurant famous for dressing its waitresses in degrading uniforms, will not be opening its first branch in Baghdad anytime soon.

Dream Spokeswoman for Hooters of America, Heather Heart, had to make the announcment on Tuesday because of the increasing difficulties and waning American influence in Iraq. Ms Heart said, "there is no magic potion that can solve Iraq's problems." However, the restaurant chain believes its recommendations may offer the best recipe for success in stabilizing that war torn country. "We'd suggest emphasizing great food, great service, a relaxed atmosphere, and tight, low-cut uniforms," Heart said. "And having Gene Simmons hosting Wednesday night 'Celebrity Blackjack' tournaments with free beer for the ladies wouldn't hurt either!"

Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Sorry About That

IMFBCOTW,S! Was Delayed, It Was Waylaid

I have been remiss in my responsibilites. And will be for the rest of the week, at least. Not that you want to hear about it, but I'm now bending time in order to work 26 hours a day out in "reality." Hope to be back to normal soon, though.

In any case, let's just pretend that yesterday never happened and that MR. Bill took up the mantle as I Miss Fafblog Commenter of the Week, Spot! right on schedule for saying:
It's neither Hillary-ous NorGay.

And, as Sir Edmund said, on the peak of some mountain or other "you'll nEverest if yer Tenzing.."

Very punny, MR. Bill!

Or, if you prefer:
Alberto: "I can't hold my liquor in the winter."

George: "I bet it's them mittens, amigo..."

Well Played, MR.Bill!

Thanks to Brainshrub, where the most recent Carnival of the Liberals was hosted, for the inclusion and all of the traffic that comes with such an honor. Also, check out Old Fart in Training who gave us a mention the other day; and Jon Swift who has a "liberal blogrolling policy."


Employer Name: Department of Justice
Location: Washington, D.C.
Posted: 3/20/2007
Category: Legal
Job Code: 07RAG0506

Job Description:
We're looking for candidates to be nation's top law enforcement officer and lawyer for the government.

We'd love to speak to you about this position. Please call our office at (202) 456-1414 or email us at to discuss this opening today. We hope to hear from you soon!

Job Requirements:
Associates with 3-5 years experience putting politics above the law.

Job Criteria:
Start Date: Very soon.
Position Type: Semi-Permanent
Years of Experience Required: 3
Education Required: JD

Contact Information:
Contact Name: Karl Rove: Recruiter
Company: GOP Attorney Search
Phone: (202) 456-1414
Fax: (202) 456-2461
Street: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
City: Washington, D.C.

Monday, March 19, 2007
White House Aide Sat Next To Corpse

WASHINGTON - A former White House aide has told I Miss Fafblog, Spot that he will testify to the Senate Judiciary Committee that in February 2005, he spent six hours sitting next to the undead corpse of the chief legal adviser for the Office of the President, Harriet Miers, while they worked out the details for dismissing all 93 U.S. attorneys.

The anonymous aide said that as he entered her office, White House officials were strapping her body into the seat behind her desk. He watched horror-struck as her corpse repeatedly slid beneath the desk onto her office floor. He said that the officials attempted to wedge Miers' corpse into place with a series of crossbolts and locking pins. Ms. Miers still kept slipping down onto the floor.

Finally, officials retrofitted mounting tubes from the ceiling which were bolted to her corpse in four places with clamps that were attached to her chair.

The aide will testify that the White House Counsel remained that way for another two years, until Miers' resignation was announced on January 4, 2007.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

"The lack of serious political debate about our policy toward Israelis and Palestinians harms America, Middle East peace prospects and Israel itself." - Nicholas D. Kristof March 18, 2007

Kristof will check himself into rehab after his Times Select column today reveals that he is a self-hating Jew and an anti-Semite!

In a related story...

Saturday, March 17, 2007
Happy St. Padraig's Day

Mel looks a lot hotter when you're drunk. Trust me! Ohh listen, the Dubliners --- "Rise up, dear Peggy and stand up on the height. Count all yer cattle..." hey, where's the Jameson's?! I need another aperitif before we tuck into Mrs. Brallaghan's boiled bacon and cabbage! Honk, honk! If there's one thing I can't stand it's big trousers! Oops...I think I'll just lie here for a minute...

The Boiled Bacon and Cabbage

2.5 lb joint of bacon
1 whole green cabbage
6 Peppercorns

1. Place the joint of bacon in a pot, cover with cold water with the peppercorns and bring to the boil.
2. Remove the scum that floats to the surface
3. Cover and simmer for 1.5 hours
4. Cut cabbage into quarters and add to pot
5. Cook gently for about a half hour, or until cabbage is cooked to your liking.
6. Drain, and serve with potatoes boiled in their jackets, and mustard.

Delicious served with Picaroons Irish Red or Guiness Stout!


Dear (Your Senator/Congressman's name here),

I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you, my precious darling, so that you had to cheat on me with hookers. I shouldn't blame myself for what you did, but I guess I have changed. It's been difficult moving to Washington D.C. and trying to be glamorous, but I did it because you believed in something. I know now that you strayed because I've become such a big nag, but I just wish you had talked to me before going to that whorehouse! I want to make it better with all of my heart. You must now do your best to keep your name out of the papers so we can get past this.

Your little angel,

(Wife's name here)


NORTHERN IOWA - About 70 people spent the night at the Comfort Inn as campaign aides attempted to clean up after their candidate's train derailed.

Sometime after 9 a.m. Thursday John McCain's "Straight Talk Express" left the track and ruptured, releasing a horrible stench about a quarter-mile south of Highway 105. Officials are unsure when it will be safe for residents to return to area homes.

According to eyewitnesses, the train left the tracks after the candidate was asked, "should U.S. taxpayer money go to places like Africa to fund contraception to prevent AIDS?" Following a series of awkward pauses and looks up at the ceiling, reporters said the train suddenly "lurched very badly, from side to side" before it turned over completely.

The wrecked train was removed from the site and the horrible smell was contained, McCain's press secretary, Brian Jones said.

Friday, March 16, 2007

My darling AIPAC,

I long to be held in your powerful arms. Oh, I so adore the state of Israel - my unswerving devotion to it defines me as an American politician! My mind is at peace when we sit on the couch and cuddle. Rest assured darling, my heart quivers and my passion flows when I think about doing to Iran what we did to Saddam! I get such immense pleasure from your annual three-day policy conference, and I go weak in the knees when I consider your extraordinary influence. I long to be near you. I want nothing more than to be close to you.

With passionate love,

(your Senator's/Congressman's name here)


Conyers' Fury
Alberto Gonzales was thirty nine in the summer of 1994 when he first stood face to face with the governor known as 'Dubya.' A month later, Alberto tried and convicted his first man, a thief who'd been rustling Dubya's father's cattle. Now Alberto, called 'Fredo,' is top lawman at the U.S. Justice Department, arguing against 'quaint' principles of the Geneva Convention, authoring warrantless domestic eavesdropping programs, and throwing varmits in Congress off the scent about reasons the White House had for dismissing a bunch of U.S. Attorneys in 2006 across America's ravaged heartland. But Johnny Conyers, public enemy number one, is hot on Fredo's trail, and when the gunsmoke clears, Conyers just might end up getting what he's after...

More Tales Of Woe

Thursday, March 15, 2007

When Guests Overstay Their Welcome

Dear Ken,

Help! They came for 'brunch' and they weren't even invited! Unfortunately, it's now 9:30 p.m. and 'brunch,' is still going on. In the meantime, they helped themselves to our alcohol, and now it's practically gone. They never ask, they just take things, and never offer to help clean up. Now they're asking, "What's for dinner?"

We want to strangle them! Forget about taking a nap on the couch...they burned it up! We tried not talking to them. We've tried everything except asking them to leave. Now their friend Hillary shows up and announces, "I am aware that we've overstayed our welcome. However, because of vital national security interests, we will require a continuing deployment of guests in your home."

Do you have any advice for us? How do we get rid of these people? Should we just learn to go with the flow?

Ken says:

Some flow -- this crew isn't big on social graces! Somehow these buffoons have the impression they're closer friends than they are. Quit fostering that impression! Tell them you have a long day coming up.

Tell them, "We're so busy with this bloody civil war that we don't have the energy for guests! Oh, we know you're not any trouble, but we're just frazzled! Maybe we'll go out for dessert sometime. 'Bye!"

In the future, establish boundaries, and meet them in public places where you can bolt when you want -- but avoid restaurants, this crew will stick you with the bill!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Don't Ask and Don't Tell General Pace!

So it isn't exactly like "The Worlds Greatest Word Game," but it's vaguely similar!

"I believe that [behavior deemed by some to be immoral] between [individuals/particular groups] are/is immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts. I do not believe that the armed forces of the United States are well served by saying through our policies that it's OK to be immoral in any way."

"As an individual, I would not want acceptance of [same behavior deemed by some to be immoral] to be our policy, just like I would not want it to be our policy that if we were to find out that so-and-so was [other behavior deemed by some to be immoral], that we would just look the other way, which we do not. We prosecute that kind of immoral behavior."

BONUS ROUND: Replace "the armed forces of the United States" with [authoritative societal institution] for hours of added fun: fun with fallacious, if not outright hypocritical, moral arguments!

Somebody Has Some Explaining To Do!

This episode: Alberto ponders the fates of frormer Attorney Generals who resigned in disgrace. Also starring Richard Kleindienst, Ed Meese, and John Ashcroft. In color.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Don't Touch Me There

LYNCHBURG - A new program designed to educate teenagers about conceiving children is generating lots of kudos.

The city's health department awarded a multi-million dollar contract to Freedom University last month to educate our young men and ladies about preventing pregnancy.

The program is composed of an awareness campaign about purity and abstinence, along with information about interracial dating.

Religious groups have praised the project, saying it teaches the blessings of waiting until marriage.

Virginia officials say that the number of students who are engaging sex is on the rise, and that it's vital to provide them with information about their only option.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Make a run for the border!

Located in the recently renovated Turfland Mall on Harrodsburg Road, Taco Bell is a brightly lit, colorful restaurant, featuring an extensive menu of south-of-the-border favorites. Outbreaks of "Gordita Supreme" have quadrupled since this newest item was introduced. The massive platter includes piles of beef, melted cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream on a huge soft taco shell with a crunchy tosta shell layer. It serves from one to four persons.

The City Department of Health has temporarily closed the restaurant after inspectors spotted numerous Spicy Chicken Burritos crawling around the store's floor, leaving behind trails of salsa, guacamole, and sour cream.

The Taco Bell restaurant owners accuse public health officials of nitpicking.

Once the restaurant reopens, hours will be: 8 a.m.-midnight, Sunday through Thursday; open 24-hours Friday and Saturday

Spot Style

Close To The Edge
At Dodge Ram 3500 Fashion Week, Jo-Beth's yellow fringed jumpsuits, belted shiny satin tuxedo jackets and skinny pleated pegged trousers stood out like Clay Aiken in prison. The Kentucky newcomer's presentation generated such a buzz that Linda Evans herself, along with bands like the Commodores, sat wide-eyed in the front row. Her hubba-hubba duds, available at Isle of You in Lexington, Ky (located off Man o' War Blvd. near I-75) alternated between beautifully ironed and stayed-up-all-night-watching-VH1. Jo-Beth's secret fantasy is to dress the "Open Up And Say...Ahh!,"-era Bret Michaels, when his look was frenetic poet-god. "I don't care how much you tart yourself up," Jo-Beth says, "you gotta keep it real."

Everybody Sing!

The David Iglesias Telephone Song!

Hi, Karl Rove!
Hi, Allen Weh!
What's the story, morning glory?
What's the tale, nightingale?
Let me tell you about U.S. Attorney David Iglesias...

Hi, Karl Rove!
Hi, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales!
What's the story, morning glory?
What's the word, humming bird?
Have you heard about U.S. Attorney David Iglesias?
Did he really rebuff
Efforts to initiate
An investigation of
Democrats in the state?
Domenici said, "Iglesias refused!"
Yeah? Yeah?
That is really not cool!
Maybe he should be "excused,"
Yeah, fire Iglesias, that tool!

Hello, David Iglesias, this is Justice De-po,
We are sorry, but you're canned!
I am being let go?
That's Alberto's command!

I just knew it somehow
About Domenici's call...
To the press this I'll avow!
And then tell Congress all!

Man, it's crazy, man!
Now they got us hooked,
And we're really cooked,
Whatta we gonna do?
Whatta we gonna do?

Well, well, oh oh oh
Well, well, oh oh oh
That's the way it should be!
Oh yeah!


Comment Noir

Fafmissen, I give you your new I Miss Fafblog Commenter of the Week, Spot!

Like two jazz masters, Ken and the puppethead threw down Noir-Style in the shadowy netherworld of the Pardon Me post and comment thread:
She had gams like the pillars of Hercules, and she was standing in front of my desk, bawling like a kid who dropped an all day sucker in the gutter.

Only the sucker was me, and the gutter was my office. I'm Libby. Scooter Libby, hard boiled PI.

I looked up. Christ, even her tear filled eyes looked like they were used to the feel of cheap lingerie. I lit a cigarette.

She sobbed some words at me, but my mind was somewhere else. I brought it back - this might be important. She started again. I lit another cigarette.

"It's... it's..... the Asp.... Aspens. They're not... turning.... not turning!"

I rolled my eyes. Stupid dame. I lit another cigarette, and put out the first one, but left the second burning in the ashtray while I smoked the third. Then I got mad. Then I got mean. I lit another cigarette.

"Can the sobs and listen sister! They turn in clusters, see? Clusters, because their roots connect them. Yes, I said it! CLUSTERS!"

She gasped. I could tell I'd hit a nerve, but I wasn't through. I was going to hit some more nerves, and hit them hard, -- harder than they'd ever been hit before.

But first, I needed a smoke.

Good stuff, guys, and well played, thepuppethead!

MarkC earns unofficial first runner-up honors with:
"You shall have the body!" George screamed to Tull in Latin, as he removed his suspenders.*

*Since then, of course, the suspenders have been in the Smithsonian, where the sign reads: "Suspenders of habeas corpus (on loan from the Hague Museum of Criminal Sartorial History)."

Because who can resist the idea of a Hague Museum of Criminal Sartorial History?

Special thanks to mistah charley, ph.d. whose comment over at A Tiny Revolution really brung the traffic this week.

Lastly, to the searcher who found theirself here after typing "microwave gizzard" into the trusty search machine:

We hope you found what you were looking for here at IMFB,S!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Et tu, Newt? Gingrich Admits Extramarital Affair During Clinton Impeachment!

Don't worry Newt! We forgive you!


Saucy Sam Brownback's


Lucky gal, Sen. Amy Klobuchar

It started off innocently enough...

Klobuchar: "Ties off?... But I don't wear a tie."
Brownback: "I could say 'dresses off,' but I won't.'"
Klobuchar: (laughing, blushing) "Not while you're running for president!"

Oh, Senator Sam!

Friday, March 09, 2007
Friday Pie Blog CANCELED

Photo gotten here.

Regrettably, we are not at liberty to discuss this adorable pie. It is quite delicious, though. Served warm, it'll be gone faster than you can say, "[REDACTED]

You Can't Travel Back in Time, Bush Says

President Bush announced today that NASA's ongoing secret efforts to navigate the fourth dimension have ceased.

Scientists from NASA, Columbia University, New York, and Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, Berkeley, Calif. were determined to prove that time travel is possible. That determination turned to desperation when they concluded that the Bush presidency has been so disastrous for humankind that they had to travel back in time to the year 1999 to dramatically attempt to change the course of history!

"Time and space are sewn together in kind of four-dimensional fabric which we call space-time," said Alexander Hartdegen, an astrophysicist with NASA. "When something creates havoc, like the Bush administration has, in that piece of four-dimensional fabric, it causes wrinkles. Those wrinkles are a manifestation of space-time bending totally out of whack to accommodate Bush's mess. We at NASA were determined to iron out those wrinkles."

To do that, the scientists needed to 'punch a hole' in the fabric of space-time, using an ethanol-energized time machine that could approach the speed of light for a specific period of time. The machine would then transport scientists through a wormhole (a kind of tunnel connecting two points in space-time) back to a taped appearance by then Governor George W. Bush on CBS TV's "Early Show," in the year 1999.

Work on the machine has officially been halted by Washington. "This was a project worthy of a great civilization like ours," a crestfallen Hartdegen told I Miss Fafblog, Spot. "It was for the benefit of all mankind, for our children and grandchildren. Now I worry about the future of our planet."

Thursday, March 08, 2007
Tales of Woe

OBITUARIES: Captain, we hardly knew ye

The Death of Captain America: America's Fallen Son
After the shocking events of Captain America #25, Steve Rogers, better known to the world as the star-spangled Captain America, lies dead, having been assassinated on the steps of a federal courthouse. Being led to trial for violating the Superhuman Registration Act and engaging in the Civil War that pitted super hero against super hero, Rogers was senselessly taken from a world that he had helped save countless times before.

Funeral arrangements will be announced by Marvel Comics in their upcoming heart-wrenching five-issue mini-series, "Fallen Son."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Pardon Me

I walked into the room. Nobody let out a peep. They pulled back and I could feel hot, frightened eyes on me. Lea Anne McBride was standing by the big desk trying to steady her boss. The vice president's body was convulsed with the dry heaves. I walked over and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Take it easy, Dick," I told him. "Why don't you take a little lie down." I pointed to a couch against the far wall and he sat down. Cheney looked like hell. One of his Secret Service guys arranged a throw pillow down for him and he stretched out.

I could barely think. Guilty on four counts! Twenty-five years. I was wound tight and ready to explode. All I could focus on was the man on the couch. Suddenly Cheney's Staff Assistant, Adam Guzzo, grabbed me and started with the questions. I'd had a bad day and wasn't about to take any more. I launched my right fist and he hit the rug groaning, doubled up in a ball. I laughed but nothing was funny.

Somebody yelled, "I'll get you for that, Scooter!" but before he could bust a move the door opened and all you could hear was groaning from the floor and I knew the president had arrived.

"Well, well. Dubya to the rescue," I said.

He didn't look very happy to see me. "What happened to this man?" Nobody said a thing. The staffer on the floor groaned again.

"He punched me. Scooter punched me ...right on the nose."

McBride piped up, "That's right, Mr. President. Adam was questioning him and Scooter punched him."

The president grunted and bent over Guzzo. "All right 'Ad-man,' get up, get up."

"Jeez, I feel just awful," I cracked.

"I'm afraid you're gonna be feeling a whole lot worse," the president replied.

I just stood there for a second considering the crud he was made of. I said, "Enough. No more, Dubya. Pardon me."

Tuesday, March 06, 2007
A Clot in the Vice-Presidency

Former White House adviser I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby has been found guilty of four of five charges, including perjury and obstruction of justice, in the federal court proceedings resulting from the investigation of the outing of covert CIA agent Valerie Plame.

Bush Presidency Redefines Torture

Two terms of the Bush administration appear to have imposed the same kind of mental anguish on seventy percent of Americans as would result from physical abuse, a study released yesterday said.

"For Americans with balanced perceptions, six years of George W Bush have amounted to torture, thereby lending corroboration to its forbiddance according to the Geneva Conventions," researchers wrote in the journal of the Archives of American Psychiatry.

A Justice Department memo argued that the degree of the term "torture" should be narrowed to only those initiatives by the president which could be proven to result in "protracted mental harm."

Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H, believes that the therapy for these unhappy Americans is immersion in water while assuring them that they will be drowned. The resulting terror "acts powerfully on the body, through the mind, and will completely cure the patient."

He Didn't Cry!

"She called me one, too," MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson claims. "In 2002, I checked the date!" He was referring to Ann Coulter's use of the word "faggot" to describe presidential candidate John Edwards. The catty commentator Coulter unflattering characterized Carlson as a "pathetic little girly-boy" in a 2002 interview with the New York Observer. "I didn't cry after she called me that," he sniffed.

Monday, March 05, 2007
Comment of the Week #4

Provisional Award Awarded

Here is the [provisional] I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot! from Little Debbie®:
Designed for filling conservation, Pie Efficiency Toilets are defined by the Sara Lee Bakery Group and the Environmental Protection Agency as those that waste an average of 20% less filling per flush than the industry standard. Using an efficiency unit can save up to 8,760 gallons of filling each year for the home piemaker with average daily output of six delicious pies!

Gizzard's unmitigated apple pie disaster has really been getting us down here at IMFB,S!; but in our hour of darkness, this comment really hit the spot, Spot! However, the rules committee has thus far not been able to confirm whether Little Debbie® or anybody associated with Little Debbie® is a contributer, (or friend, or family, or friend of the family) to this site, which would also make them a (non-voting) member of the awards committee. Though we don't have any rules preventing such an occurrence, we would hope to avoid any sense of impropriety. That said, I'm sure we'll have it all straightened out within one week, at which time the next I Miss Fafblog Commenter of the Week, Spot! will take up the mantle and all will be forgiven and/or forgotten. As for now...

Well played, Little Debbie®!

And a muchas gracias grande to the folk at Crooks and Liars, especially benefactor and friend of the site Blue Gal for the link Friday which illustrated the surprising power of "A-List" blog linkage, when we received three times our previous weekly average of visitors (32) in the first hour (96) alone! Anyways, thanks for that.

Y'all come back now, ya hear? Here at IMFB,S! we want to be your "E-List" blog of choice!

Bandwagon To Hell

Under New Owners

Aladdin's Antics owner buys America for 31 trillion rials

Qatar Hotels International Company (QHIC), owner of the Aladdin's Antics theme parks, announced today that it had reached a deal to take control of The United States of America for 31.33290 trillion rials in cash.

QHIC, controlled by the government of Qatar in collaboration with the local and foreign private sector, has agreed to pay the equivalent of 31.33290 trillion rials, or 8.6 trillion dollars, for the USA, whose best-known tourist attractions are the Statue of Liberty and Las Vegas.

"This deal is a key strategic move for QHIC," QHIC's chief executive Jurgen Braumhoff said. "It not only expands our business demographically, but also underlines our objective to focus on accelerating our expansion plans to include all of North America."

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson said in a speech to the Meeting of the G7 Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors that this is a very "good deal," as our nation's explosive debt accumulation of almost 9 trillion dollars meant, "we would have been unable to continue to finance government operations."

QHIC will have a 49 percent stake in the USA, which would become the world's largest visitor attraction group. America includes popular sites like the Holiday World Theme Park, Splashin' Safari Water Park, and New York City, as well as unusual rock formations all across the west.

QHIC operates more than 50 attractions across 12 countries, including Kazakhstan's biggest theme park, Dungeon Playland.

Sunday, March 04, 2007
Ann Coulter: Illegal Alien

Revealing photograph “incontrovertible” says Fafmissen News Today.

Notice anything unusual about this photo? A careful examination shows that the creature on the right has three hands where normal people have only two. There also appears to be a second arm on the creatures left side although there is no extra hand visible on that side. A leading art expert told us that it is, “…obviously… an artistic statement. The two small hands on the creatures right contrasted against by the one larger dominating hand on its left, are clearly a symbolic statement that ‘two Rights make a Left’." In other words the artist was saying that one on the left is worth twice as much as one on the right.

However, an amateur forensic xenobiologist later convinced us that we can clearly see that the large 'hand' on the creatures left actually looks more like a tentacle. And that directly below it we can see a second tentacle or arm or whatever the proper term is. Assuming that the rules of biological symmetry that apply on this planet hold true for this creature, we can now see that the creature has at least four appendages on the upper part of its torso. The lower one on its left is merely turned away from the camera so we cannot see all of it. A the top of the torso, on each side it appears to have a tentacle ending in a group of smaller prehensile graspers or suckers. Directly below, one on each side, is a similar appendage ending in some sort hook or claw. Without more evidence it would be foolish to speculate whether this creature holds its prey down with the lower claws while using the upper tentacles to suck out its lifeblood, or whether it attaches itself, leechlike, with the upper tentacles and then uses the lower claws like spears to violently penetrate the soft downy belly of its prey.

What is clear is that we do not have any emigration policies in place for extraterrestrials, so until creditable medical and biological evidence of terrestrial origin can be obtained, we must assume this alien is here illegally, it is definitely armed and we must assume it is dangerous.

Hat tip to Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Saturday, March 03, 2007
Science Saturday

Learning From Mistakes: Next Challenge For GOP Humanoids

RNC-0H expells a disruptive guest from the Oval Office.

Advanced GOP humanoids still serve in Congress and primary voting humanoids still put them there, but the GOP leadership must learn from its mistakes if it is to ever rule the land again.

With that in mind, the Republican National Committee (RNC) has just previewed its latest robots which can perform more complicated daily tasks, including running for president, but the machines still have a steep learning curve.

At the RNC's Washington headquarters, in his high-tech office equipped with robotic items, Party Chairman Sen. Mel Martinez plopped himself down on the sofa, prompting an overhead sprinkler system to turn on automatically.

The senator raised his hands to cover his head as Florida GOP Chairman Jim Greer, an RNC-2H humanoid wearing an apron over over his charcoal grey Calvin Klein flat-front metallic suit, rolled over and asked, "Do you need help raising money?"

"Yeah, I need a couple of million -- first turn off the sprinkler, god dammit!" Martinez thundered.

Greer dutifully turned around and arranged a fundraiser at a swanky Florida State University booster club after shutting off the errant sprinkler.

"That was no scripted demonstration," a calmer, Martinez claimed. "These humanoids react to my actions and create the kind of environment necessary to build a better tomorrow for our children and grandchildren."

RNC Chairman Robert "Mike" Duncan, who runs the committee's day-to-day operations, heads the team that designed the humanoids. He says the next challenge is to make machines that can handle absolutely unanticipatable situations, such as an insurgency in Iraq, or a Category 5 hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico.

"They will be able to memorize information from lots of different situations," Duncan said. "Our 2008 line needs to be able anticipate what can happen next and make decisions based on actual empirical evidence and their collective memory, recalling what action causes which kinds of results. That will be a crucial new bit of programming, for both our Republican legislator and voter humanoids. Like when a wet baby slips out of their hands, they have to remember to grab harder when they pick up wet babies."

Friday, March 02, 2007
To Our Esteemed Guests

Welcome, Crooks and Liars.

Wait. Geesh! That's kinda harsh...

Welcome, Rapscallions and Tall Tale Tellers. No. Too 'olde school'...

Welcome, Embezzlers and Perjurers. Too justicy.

Lobbyists and Campaign Managers? No.

Hold on, I've got it...

Welcome, Crooks and Liars.

That's it! Perfect!

Thanks for stopping by. And thanks to Blue Gal for linking.

If you feel as though you've been here before and remember having been confounded in trying to post a comment--- well, we're sorry about that. That problem has now been fixed. So kick off yer shoes and visit awhile. Root around in the archives too.

We have nothing to hide.

(Do we?)


Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie

Here is Gizzard's recipe for the mightiest, giant-killingest, most paternalistic pie ever devised. This is no ordinary pie! This pie isn't a mere ration of nourishment that takes up space in your gut. This is all-knowing pie. This pie influences financial markets, foils plots and vanquishes evildoers!

Apple PieIngredients:

  • Newtown Pippin apples, peeled, cored and sliced

  • Lemon juice, squeezed

  • Light brown sugar, packed

  • Sugar, crystallized and processed into granules

  • Cinnamon, personified, then ground beneath a jackboot heel

  • Fresh nutmeg, grated

  • Salt, shooken

  • Unsalted butter, de-salted

  • Thickening agent, reverently acknowledged



You can make your own crust; or just go out and buy a pre-made one. Gizzard has lined the bottom of his pie plate with some crusty gray tube socks.

Rendition your bottom crust to Syria or Eastern Europe. IMPORTANT: Gizzard always seeks assurances that his crust will be refrigerated in accordance with all international laws and treaty obligations. You should too! Say it: Plausible deniability.

The crust should be kept in isolation from all other ingredients. Prolonged sensory and sleep deprivation will "soften" the crust prior to bakening. And, of course, exposure to extreme cold will keep the crust fresh. If these steps are followed faithfully and systematically, your crust can be kept at this stage indefinitely, until you have completed the other steps. Gizzard has been refrigerating his crust for over 3 1/2 years, and it's even fresher now than on the day he rendered it!


When you're good and ready... move on to the filling.

Since pie-filling perfection is elusive and nearly impossible to define, it is vital to avoid artificial timetables, and if you can help it, any sort of benchmarks whatsoever. And when something is elusive and defies definition, it is best to keep all options on the table in terms of what you are willing to put into your pie.

While you don't have to break any eggs to make this omelet, if your crop is overextended, you may not be able to find enough suitable Newtown Pippins. You may even be forced to use a few bad apples. Even so, you must remain steadfast and resolved! The whole pie depends on it! Not all of your guests will have the stomach for everything you might have to do; so it's also a good idea to carry out as much of the pie-making process as possible in complete secrecy.

Some ingredients will eagerly join in the mix for the greater good of the pie. Others will be harder to bring along, but will respond to fear mongering and propaganda. Still others--- the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan ---will resist. They will need to be coerced, for they remain surprisingly resistant to the powers of mass media.

If your bowl technique is good, though, it should be relatively easy to get the ingredients tossed together. Allow the mixture to stand until the apples macerate. Then strain---

"Gizzard's bowl technique is NOT good! Gizzard's ingredients are spilling out all over, and the tarnish from the bowl is tarnishing Gizzard's apples!! AAAAARRRRRGGHHH!"


"Hey, wait. Gizzard knows where there is a larger bowl... To the bathroom!"
"Uhhh, Gizzard? ... You're not talking about the toilet bowl are ya?"
"Duhhh, Falkor... Yes! It's much bigger and easier."
"But if your objective is 'delicious pie,' do you really think mixing the ingredients in a toilet is conducive?"
"None of that matters, Falkor. I'm The Maker; and I'm making the bathroom the main front in the War On Not Pie. Let's go."
"Easy there, Gizzard. You splashed me when you dumped the apples in."
"Just shut up and pass me the rest of the stuff."


"Gizzard, the Cinnamofascists and the denizens of Left Nutmegistan are revolting!"
"Indeed. Tell them Gizzard demands tribute! Gizzard declares martial law on their sorry souls! Set Tasers to 'kill'!!"


"They're acquiescing to your demands, Gizzard. ... I'm a little surprised that worked, actually."
"Of course it worked, Falkor!"
"How do we mix all this stuff together now?"
"Couple of flushes ought to do it. You might have to jiggle the handle."
"Won't we lose some a the ingredients that way, Gizzard?"
"The pie, Falkor. It's a small sacrifice for heavenly pie. ... OK, I think it's ready. Bring me my crust."
"Wait, don't we have to strain and cook some a the liquid off to make the syrup first?"
"Trifle. Just bring the crust."


"OK, Gizzard, here's your crust. It's a broken crust; barely a pale shadow a what it once was, though. I'm not sure we can even use it in our pie anymore."
"Nonsense. It's perfect. Bring it in here so I can slop the filling into it."
"Oh, Gizzard! [Cough.] When you leave and come back--- boy, is the smell pungent!"


"I see you've got just about everything pretty well into the crust now. What's that you're using for the top crust, Gizzard?"
"That? I braided some strips of wet toilet paper while you were in Eastern Europe."
"Aaaahhh, I see. So what next?"
"Nuke it!"
"You mean cook it in the microwave?"
"No, Falkor."


"Does this broadcast even reach out beyond the blast radius, Gizzard?"
"Shut up, we're almost on."

[IN 3... 2... 1...]

GIZZARD: "And we're back. So, tell me what you think, Falkor."
FALKOR: "Gizzard, this pie is terrible! It's a preposterous, ponderous pie!"
GIZ: "How can you say that, Falkor? How can you belittle the solemn sacrifice and selfless toil we put into it?"
FAL: "Apple pie is supposed to taste like summer, innocence, and unbridled enthusiasm. Instead it tastes like road salt and car exhaust; and smells like that strip a material around the inside a some oily fraternity brother's decrepit baseball cap."
GIZ: "I followed the recipe precisely, Falkor. It's not my fault you hate the taste of America."
FAL: "But Apple Pie is supposed to be made a freedom, pride, hospitality and unconditional love!"
GIZ: "That's nostalgia's quaint, old-timey recipe! We can't afford to just keep--- uh ---baking pies as if 9-11 never happened, Falkor."
FAL: "Well... I guess you're probably right... bein' you're the Gizzard's Imperious All-American Apple Pie expert and all."
GIZ: "Of course Gizzard is right!"
FAL: "Mmmmmm. Pie."
GIZ: "Fantastic. Well, folks, that's all we have time for tonight. I'm Gizzard, here with Falkor, signing off."


FAL: [Off mic.] "Do I hafta eat it?"
GIZ: [Also off mic.] "Naaah. Let them eat it."
FAL: [Still off mic.] "Whew! Ok. Good."

Allow pie to cool before cutting. Best served cold.
Serves 8


The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental... Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.


Thursday, March 01, 2007
Rambo '08


It's Over, Johnny

England: Look John, you've done enough damage there. That's why I'm calling. Didn't you get my memos? I have to fly you out of there before the elections.
Rambo: Where'd you come from, Sir?
England: I'm the Deputy Secretary of Defense, damnit!
Rambo: I tried to get in touch with you, but the guys in the Pentagon are never sure where to find you.
England: What do you mean? For the past two years, all I do is testify before Armed Services Committees!
Rambo: I wish I was back in DC now.
England: We can talk about that when you come back.
Rambo: I can't do that, Sir.
England: What do you mean, you "can't do that?" We can't have you running around the Middle East killing friendly civilians.
Rambo: There are no friendly civilians!
England: Listen. I'm your friend, Johnny. I don't want to see you knee-deep in all that blood and gore, so we've got to end all this trouble before the elections.
Rambo: There wouldn't be any trouble except for that freakin' falafel vendor! All I wanted was something to eat! But the man kept pushing, Sir.
England: Well, you did some pushing on your own, John.
Rambo: They drew first blood, not me.
England: Look Johnny, you gotta get the hell out of there!
Rambo: They drew first blood.
England: Rambo...Rambo, are you still reading me? Deputy Secretary of Defense to Rambo! Acknowledge! Rambo!

Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
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Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
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Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
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Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


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Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
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This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

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