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  Blog Noir. An interplay of cultural references, snark, the occasional smutty joke, Dadaism, Mamaism, and a genuine outrage at the horrors of The Situation.

--to paraphrase Freddy el Desfibradddoro
Monday, April 30, 2007

Image courtesy Ken from Ken's Kitchen

Meet the New IMFBCOTW,S! Same as the Old IMFBCOTW,S!

INTERNETS -- MarkC has been selected for an unprecedented third term as Commentator of the Week at storied web log I Miss Fafblog, Spot!

"Guy's a regular Faffen Franklin Delano Roosevelt," anonymous sources close to the contest said.

Any concerns over the appearance of impropriety, or aspersions that MarkC's three week consecutive tenure flies in the face of democratic traditions, were flogged mercilessly and ditched on the side of a remote country road by the maverick sole voting member of the awards committee.

Allegedly, there was talk of honoring the complete and unabridged works of Sam Handwich's dramatic saga of the goings on over to Croydon Manor Estates, but the daunting cut and paste job [that the awards committee would have had to undertake --ed.] was deemed "too onerous."

The committee also gave their most honorable mention to Kevin Hayden's one liner, "Dems are from Mars, Bush is from Uranus," and expressed thanks to "all of the commentators of the world who took the time to commentate [at IMFB,S!] this week."

Complete transcript of the winning entry follows:
No, the "height of cynicism" would be the ten thousand mile tall Lieberbot that Dick Gephardt and Tom Daschle built when they leased the same lab six years ago. Initially, the Lieberbot was intended to mate with Al Gore and produce cyber-human hybrids immune from the perception of impropriety. Sadly, something went horribly awry with the Lieberbot and it not only proved too narcissistic to breed, but broke loose from the underground lab. Soon, it terrorized citizens up and down the eastern seaboard by first lulling them to sleep with patronizing homilies and then ripping out their endocrine glands to make pie.

As for "ridiculous PR stunt," I bow to Ms. Perino's judgment in any matter beginning with the words "ridiculous PR."

[End report.]

Well played, Magnificent Incumbent!

Thanks to CHARLIERBLOG3 for joining the ranks of the sympathizers in our blogroll, by linking to us, and to sites like Miss C Recommends who show continued support. Big hearty thanks!

Cake crumbs lead former cleaning lady to VP's office

What the cleaning lady found

A former White House cleaning lady claims that falsified documents which were meant to depict Saddam Hussein's regime as trying to procure yellowcake uranium from Niger can be traced directly back to "the office of the Vice President of the United States."

Appearing on MSNBC's Tucker Carlson show, she recalled that back in 2002, she noticed the floor around the copy machine in the White House was covered with yellowcake crumbs, so she cleaned the crumb trail that led right to the VP's doorstep. "I can't tell you how gross the vice president is," she complained. "He strains spaghetti through a fly-swatter, drops yellowcake crumbs everywhere. When I opened the door to clean his office, Cheney's desk had yellowcake all over it. He was holding the hinky memo and that man had cake all over himself. I can't stand the guy!"

Which explains why a Los Angeles Times story reported on December 3, 2005 that, "a senior FBI official said the bureau's initial investigation found no evidence of foreign government involvement in the forgeries."


Employer Name: Christian Broadcasting Network
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posted: 4/31/2007
Category: Christian Nationalist Writer
Job Code: 07RAG0606
Job Description:
Ever dream of working from home while bringing the grace and light of Jesus into the dark lives around you? We're looking for highly skilled professionals to rewrite history. The antiquated notion that America was not founded as a distinctly Christian nation must be defenestrated with a great quickness! We hope to hear from you soon!
Job Requirements:
Associates with 3-5 years experience in politics and indoctrination in Christian historical revisionism.
Job Criteria:
Start Date: Right away.
Position Type: Everlasting.
Years of Experience Required: 3
Education Required: JD
Salary: Dismantle your selfish ambitions - getting ahead of one's peers is not consistent with Jesus' teachings!
Contact Information:
Contact Name: Pat Robertson: Recruiter
Company: Christian Broadcasting Network
Phone: (757) 226-7000
Street: 977 Centerville Turnpike
City: Virginia Beach, VA

Saturday, April 28, 2007
There's A Riot Goin' On!

C'mon, get with it! Let's go to a freak out!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Democrats Pelosi and Reid test Bush's will on Iraq

Bush to Dems: don't "test my will" on Iraq

President George W. Bush warned Democrats not to "test my will" by passing any more legislation withdrawing US troops from Iraq after he vetoes a similar bill passed by Congress this week.

Democrats are busy doing just that in a secret underground lab beneath their headquarters. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he has developed a high-powered device that precisely measures how much "Iraq Dissatisfaction Damage" can be absorbed by a Republican before he or she will either defect, or a total vegetative state occurs. Reid further said his device "sets us on a new course, away from a civil war with no end in sight toward a responsible phased redeployment that holds Iraqis accountable."

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino suggested that the Democrats' machine is a "ridiculous PR stunt" and "the height of cynicism."


"The Defense Authorization Act of 2006, passed on Sept. 30, empowers President George W. Bush to impose martial law in the event of a terrorist 'incident,' if he or other federal officials perceive a shortfall of 'public order,' or even in response to antiwar protests that get unruly as a result of government provocations..."

Thanks, "Defense Authorization Act of 2006!"

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dear Ken,

I'm so in love with this president, and I thought he cared about me, or at least my opinion, a little bit ... but he doesn't ... I mean it is so obvious ... why, he can't even bring himself to fire that incompetent boob, Alberto Gonzales! Still, as the days pass, I'm loving him more and more! How do I let him go ... I've tried, and trust me, I have cried ... I know, I know ... he's a huge jerk, but he always manages to say just the right thing and make me feel better. Plus, it's hard to let go when I'm trying to hang on for dear life! I guess this is gonna take some time ... He makes me happy and sad at the same time, yet ... we're so perfect for each other .. we think the same way, we like the same things, we know so much about each other ... I just don't get how he doesn't care about me ... I wish I could, but I can't bring myself to say goodbye ... just yet. Help!!!

Best wishes,
Right-Wing Nutjob

Dear Right-Wing Nutjob,

Sounds like a pretty classic scenario to me: you really love this guy, but he's just not that into you. Time to face the facts, R-WN. His VP is retiring when he does at the end of his term, so this is a president who doesn't give two hoots about your opinion or anyone else's! He's "loved" you, and he's gonna leave you high and dry, my friend!

And P.S: he can't fire the Attorney General who knows where all the bodies are buried!


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dark Fashion

Optimism is the New Nihilism
By: Chaplain Montag, Fashion Correspondent
First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

Trend setters in Washington have been busy setting all the latest trends. This season cynicism, defeatism and pessimism are OUT.

The beautiful people. The crème de la crème. The in-crowd. Whatever you may call them, they are who everyone wants to run with. So, just like our tragically hip Vice President, the Fafmissen will want to stake their claim, preen, and display their multi-colored plume at their trend-settiest.

Take a look:
THE SITUATION: The War in Iraq


THE VICE PRESIDENT: "I think we have made significant progress."

THE VERDICT: "I think the VP is a person expressing a half-glass-full mentality. And that is, he's been able to look at — as have I and I hope other Americans have — the fact that the tyrant was removed, 12 million people voted and an Iraqi constitution is in place that is a model for — and is unique — for the Middle East." —Guest Judge President Bush

There you have it, Spot. Embrace the half-glass-full mentality for Spring this year.

Try it:
THE SITUATION: Poverty in the United States

DEFEATOCRATS: There's too much poverty in the United States. 37 million residents lived below the poverty line in 2005. We must do something about it!

HALF-GLASS-FULLERS: 37 million? That means 251 million lived above the poverty line— all year! I think we have made significant progress!

Half-glass-full isn't even the word for it in this case... More like 87%-glass-full!

Go forth, Spot, be half-glass-full. Be the first on you block to empty your closet of guiltful pessimism. Fill it instead with Hope. You're friends will be the green of envy because the sun shone from your nether-regions first.

Most important, though, is to just live life to the half-glass-fullest. Because even if you weren't there first, at least you'll fit in.


Lick Your Chops Chicken Chunks

10,000 cups Chicken chunks
7,750 cups Corn meal
3,000 cups Tainted wheat gluten
3.000 cups Chicken by-product meal
2,000 cups Ground barley
2,000 cups Fish meal
1,150 cups Chicken fat
1,000 cups Natural chicken flavor
1,000 cups Dried egg product
10 cups Potassium chloride
Salt (to taste)
5 cups Cicalcium phosphate
5 cups Choline cloride
5 cups Ferrous sulfate
5 cups Zinc oxide
5 cups DL-Methionine
5 cups Copper sulfate
5 cups Manganese sulfate
5 cups Thiamin mononitrate
5 cups Inositol
5 cups Pyrodoxine hydrochloride
5 cups Potassium iodide
5 cups Folic acid
A pinch of Cobalt carbonate

1. Toss all the ingredients together in a big bowl and mix well. Follow your own standards for testing your finished product. Put the mixture in cans and seal. Store until ready to serve.

To Serve:
2. Empty contents of can into a bowl and place on floor. Happy trails!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Washington, D.C. Comics Part 1

Washington, D.C. Comics Part 2

All the secrecy and lies, all the blunderings have led to this...AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!

UPDATE: Oh no! Could that last panel have simply been a case of wishful thinking?

Gorebitron Mega Electabot, Assemble!


Former Vice President Al Gore has been busy! He's been out doing publicity promoting his next big project: Climate Change, in follow-up to his Oscar winning film warning about the coming problems of... climate change. He also has a book on US politics due out in May. That's not all! Mr. Gore also can't help being very busy enjoying far greater popularity than he did back in the year 2000, public opinion polls indicate.

Surely, a man so busy must be up to something...
His denials of interest in the presidency have been couched in terms of "no plans" or "no intention" -- politically ambiguous language that does not rule out a run.


Acting decisively on these so-called "denials of interest" and seizing upon this "ambiguity," friends and former advisers are forming a rapid response election team... just in case.
"He hasn't asked them to do this, but nor has he told them not to."

Says one person who at one time worked for Gore, "The question is: where have all the Kerry [campaign staff] people gone? The answer for most of them is nowhere. Now ask yourself why."


Monday, April 23, 2007



This comment from I Miss Fafblog Commentator of the Week, Spot! MarkC accomplishes three very important things...
Welcome back, Doodle Bean!

I see that BJ didn't say anything about one of the oldest forms of cosmetic surgery: footbinding. I say we pool our resources and sell franchises for "Spot's Golden Lotus Emporium". Then, when it becomes the newest hot thing, we can use the resulting largesse to buy our own school bus and set out for Siberia. Sort of like the Partridge Family on a pilgrimage. Except with June Taylor instead of Shirley Jones.

C'mon, get happy!

...(1) in its own way, it says "Hiya, Doodle Bean! Good to have ya back!"; (2) it details an extremely lucrative loophole in Baby Jesus' ban on certain medical procedures. A loophole which could spell untold riches for all the Fafmissen. Or at the very least help ensure our continuance after Teh Collapse; and (3) if those two things weren't enough, MarkC closes with a warming plea for hope. Well done, MarkC!

This is also the time to give thanks. This week to Jon Swift for linking to IMFB,S! in an actual post! Thanks!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

It seems like I've been here before

Friday, April 20, 2007

Dear Ken,

I am absolutely sick with sadness and grief. Fredo leaves me with no alternative but to end our relationship after his performance in the Senate yesterday.

I mean, what was with the ridiculous excuses, anyway? He had to help out so-and-so, he had to look into this or that, he couldn't recall, or whatever. We gave him a whole month to prepare better lies!

I feel like I've been slapped in the face. He thinks I'm overreacting and he can't believe I'm so upset. He was wonderful for so long, and now this! Why in heaven's name would Fredo act this way? Is he trying to make me look stupid?

I am absolutely dumbfounded, Ken! I haven't had a refreshing sleep since this whole thing began. What makes a guy like Fredo tick?

Best regards,
Lonely At The Top

Dear Lonely At The Top,

Put yourself in his loafers for a minute. He's been "boning up" for weeks. He arrives at to work at 10:30 a.m. He calls up a pal for lunch, another for golf after lunch, and then relaxes over drinks at the 19th hole before calling it a day. No wonder he seemed so out-of-it yesterday!

Face it LATT, you're in a three legged race with a guy that nobody can trust. If you want an attorney general who can lie like a rug and get away with it, then cut your ties to this bozo.


Alberto Gonzales Testifying Before The Senate Yesterday

In the afternoon session of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing with Alberto Gonzales over the U.S. Attorney purge, Senator Grassley asked the soon-to-be former Attorney General the million dollar question, "Why are there so many inconsistencies, is it something about the environment you work in?"

Thursday, April 19, 2007
Crossed Circuits

Sure, I can still look at myself and smile after "separating" those "associates." I don't give a shit how it made me look. I can see myself the same way those "associates" do. I'm the CEO and I'm a bad guy. Boo-hoo. They think I'm a greedy bastard who shouldn't be allowed in the same room as normal, decent, hard-working human beings. Well, the stockholders think differently now, don't they?

What's this...I not feelin' so good all of a sudden. I'm a little sweaty. Whew. Maybe I'll pull over for a minute. Jeez... maybe I am a rat. Maybe I like the taste of firin'. Maybe I like it a little too much. Maybe me makin' $4,513,700 a year is way outta line. At least considerin' that I canned those associates for makin' $16,120 a year. Wait! I'm hirin' 'em back, though! Just at a lower salary... Ahh, what am I thinkin'? This thing has screwed my head up and rotted my guts. Maybe they should flush me down the toilet because of what I am. Maybe they should...nnaaaaaahhh.

I parked the car and took a little stretch. I didn't wanna think about associates any more. I started walkin' and pulled out a Cohiba Siglo VI and smoked it while I watched the boats in the river. The nausea finally passed. Now I was hungry. And just in time, the reservation was for 8:30 at the Acacia.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Ha! You Thought I Was Still in Khajikistan!

Did you know that "extraordinary rendition" is really just a fancy name for "kidnapping and torture"? How come I didn't know this before my "exile" from this blog by the forces of Montag?

Yes, I have not been sitting around all this time eating Cheetos and sipping Yoo Hoo as was my habit of olde. Far from it! As I was chained in one of the many imaginative "stress positions" my captors were so fond of putting me in, I saw a flash of light and heard heavenly music. Yes, Baby Jesus came to me that day and, frankly, has never left my side since that moment. In fact, I attribute my miraculous release to the power and glory of BJ, as I've come to call him. And he has a message!

For example, as long as Congress is banning medical procedures for 'moral' reasons and the Supreme Court is supporting them, I was thinking there are several other medical procedure which should also be banned:

1.) Injection of whatever it is into people's lips to make them like they are walking around sucking two giant pink grubs

2.) Breast implants which make the recipient look like they've had halves of basketballs glued to their chests. Here's an example of numbers 1 and 2!

3.) Pectoral implants. BJ says, "Yeesh!" and "See #2!".

4.) Also hair plugs. That doll head look is completely against the word of God according to BJ. Take a look for yourself:

We should force the bald and balding people of America to invest that extra money in microsurgical implantation. Looks completely natural!

5.) Chest hair transplants (BJ says, "Ewwww!!")

6.) Operations to make limbs longer. No exceptions for the health of the patient! BJ says if god made you short or lopsided, you better live short or lopsided!

7.) Face lifts. BJ and God want your face to age because when your face is unlined and your neck isn't, it makes Baby Jesus cry!

8.) Major surgery to correct massive traumatic injuries. BJ thinks if you are stupid enough to injure yourself that badly, you deserve to suffer!

9.) Vasectomies and tubal ligations! If God didn't want you to have kids, he would have made you sterile!

10.) BJ says, "Whatever she had done is definitely immoral!!"

So there you have it. Get tortured and have a religious conversion. Then escape to the outside world and proselytize the heck out of it. BJ approves! After all, he told other people what to do all the time!

Kucinich Releases Sketch Of "High Crimes" Suspect

Rep. Dennis Kucinich has released sketches of the man he intends to file Articles of Impeachment against for crimes which will not be identified until their formal introduction to the House of Representatives.


It was late afternoon at the Next Conservatism Forum, on the ground floor of an ancient Washington row house. The cause of the panel discussion was a horror that festered on the Hill. All the participents were terrified, and had cried out for the presence of a unit from the Free Congress Foundation's Center for Cultural Conservatism. It was the Terrible Time of the Democrats, and rumors warned against the preparation of loathsome legislation.

The horror was particular, for they knew the wrath of the Terrible Folk was upon Imus, and the participents were fearful. For many days and nights they heard the bloodcurdling din, until at last nameless doom was visited upon the hapless broadcaster.

They had at length proceeded to the Forum with their mace-bearers and ministers, having heard enough to be greatly distressed and agitated, and standing firmly against the shock jock's excision. Desiring to consult with one who knew the subject well, Dick Morris was summoned to press his counsel.

So there they were assembled in the burning sunset of the capitol - Ken Blackwell, William S. Lind, Cliff Kincaid, and a trembling throng of townfolk. As their hideous bleating rose to garish pitch, an icy wind of shocking susceptivity and slowness swept down from those horrific heights, chilling each participant among them. Dick Morris was floundering and screeching from the panel, as if possessed by Satanus and his sons, when suddenly he froze, pale as a sheet, and uttered those two petrifying words that still echo in their ears. "Fairness Doctrine." Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeee.....

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Citronella remained a weakness of Karl's. It was a splendid day in May of 2000 when he first entered this power restaurant of choice for congressional Republicans on the Capitol end of Pennsylvania Avenue. The overall ambience was of an exclusive dinner club from the 1930s with a Provençal color scheme of mustard yellow and raspberry red, a breathtaking wine cellar behind glass, and views of the open kitchen from the dining room.

When introduced to the ebullient chef/owner Michel Ricard, he mischievously asked if Democrats were served, and pointed to a large quantities of meat spitted upon a huge rotisserie being smoke-dried over a smoldering fire. "Why, certainly," Michel loudly proclaimed and a few minutes later the maître de emerged from the bustling kitchen to present Karl with a dish consisting of heaping portions of meat, distinctly of human origin, served over baby arugula and a young herb salad. The presentation was a work of art, with swirls of aromatic sauce bathing the flesh. It was, Karl was assured, a favorite of Citronella's regular patrons and surely enough, he found it delicious and became a regular himself.

Now, as he stared blankly at the charred remains on his plate, drifting lazily between memory and another bottle of Michel's 1990 Figeac St. Emilion, it slowly began to dawn on Karl that all of this would soon be over...

Legal/Outer Space

Sen. Patrick Leahy doubts Bush aides

Lawyers: Bush can eject dissenters

DENVER - Lawyers for President Bush are arguing that the president's staff can lawfully remove anyone from the planet who expresses points of view different from his. "The president's right to control his own message includes the right to jettison people expressing discordant viewpoints from Earth," says the brief.

Saying "the desire to disagree is part of our character," President Bush Wednesday unveiled an ambitious plan to allow people to disagree with him...from the moon, using the moon-mission as a steppingstone for a similar dissenter's colony on Mars soon after.

"I don't know where all this disagreeing with me will end, but I know this -- human beings will hafta head into the cosmos to do it," Bush said. "Dissenters will be sent to Mars for the same reason they were once sent across the open sea. They want to improve their lives, and gettin' them the hell outta here will lift our national spirit."

The president described this "new course" for our nation's space program in a speech at NASA headquarters, shifting the focus immediately from the space shuttle to an international space dissent-station and beyond that to the creation of a vehicle that can fly "disagreers" to the moon by June.

Monday, April 16, 2007

It's Mine, You Can't Have It 
Team Bush may know the rules of fair play, but following them is a challenge.

Wouldn't that be something if Paul Wolfowitz said to the World bank Development Committee, "You're right. I shouldn't have used my position to promote my girlfriend and arrange a huge salary for her that was twice as large as allowed by bank rules. I resign." Well, it sure would be something! Grown-up statements like that coming from anyone appointed to anything by an American president are at least two years away. Our current crop of presidential appointees tend to cling passionately to their apointments. "Wolfowitz is very focused on his own wants and needs, so being responsible just isn't a priority," explains Devesh Kapur, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and co-author of the official history of the World Bank.

Possessive People
As a valuable member of Team Bush, Wolfowitz understands that everything is "theirs," while the rest of the world suspects that only certain things belong to them. Smaller, more vulnerable nations chafe at being seen as mere extensions of the United States. As a result, they can be overprotective of their belongings.

Take Ecuador, for example. Its current president, Alfredo Palacio, has decided that forking over 90 percent of his nation's new oil wealth to the World Bank while 60 percent of its citizens live in brutal poverty is not a good plan. However, that was the deal that was negotiated by former President "Dirty" Lucio Gutierrez, who is now a fugitive. A deal is a deal, yet President Palacio has asked to keep an extra tiny percentage of his nation's oil revenue.

Where will it all end? 51 percent of the World Bank is owned by the United States Treasury. When these down and out third world countries need a loan from the World Bank, they understand that there are obligations...obligations to transfer their water systems, their railways, their telephone companies, their nationalized oil companies to multinational conglomerates. That's how Enron came to own the water system of Buenos Aires, Vivendi of France got Argentina's rural water systems, Fleet of Boston and Citibank took Argentina's banks, and how British Petroleum grabbed Ecuador's oil pipelines, all at bargain basement prices.

And that's why Condoleeza Rice replied to President Palacio's plea by calling for new elections in Ecuador. Valued members of Team Bush know they don't have to share, and that should make it clear why White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino says that Mr. Wolfowitz continues to enjoy the president's full confidence.

Conflicts are bound to arise. That's why the president needs a trusted ally like Paul Wolfowitz to sit with people like President Palacio. Ecuador's president may be frustrated because he wants to share, so he might not be receptive to a discussion about the importance of sending 90 percent of his nation's new oil wealth to George Bush's World Bank. Mr. Wolfowitz is there to remind him that sharing is easier on some than others.


Very quickly, because I'm being pelted by the torrential rains and heavy winds of a violent Nor'easter, and the power could fail at any moment, I'm going to try and get this IMFBCOTW,S in under the wire, so to speak.

Your I Miss Fafblog Commentator of the Week, Spot! is none other than MarkC. And not just because of his most recent perhaps overly kind, but very much appreciated, words.

No, this award is in recognition of the dystopian future world he painted for us in what we can only hope will become the foundation of the next great cautionary novel for our times.
Abington v. Shemp, The Sequel

Mr. Shemp was proud that he no longer had to send his child to a public school where each day began with a Bible reading. But he was uneasy about the fact that there were 75 children per run-down classroom, while the nearby voucher-supported Christian Academies had small classes held in new buildings and on pristine sports fields. He thought he would contact someone about it, but found that social services in his area had been outsourced to the neighborhood Foursquare Pentecostal Church. Dispirited, he applied to the government to open up a faith-based program to eliminate crab grass from suburban lawns. He soon was able to retire to the Caymans and lived happily ever after.
Well played, MarkC!

Thanks to the latest site to mention our fair I Miss Fafblog, Spot! in it's links section: Trick of the Light. The vote of support fits the very definition of 'warm fuzzy.' Thanks!

If the power does go out, I'll see y'all when it comes back!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Too many teardrops yeah.


Dear Ken,

Do I really have to think about Imus? I mean, if I absolutely have to, I could give it some thought and develop an opinion of my own, but is that really necessary? I have disliked and avoided his show for more than a decade. Why has he become so unavoidable now? Do I really have to think about this?

This week, my mind has been thinking about the working man, and how corporate America externalizes the true costs of labor by keeping wages low, offering fewer benefits, and employing residents without legal status; but yet, the working man is made out to be the villain. Should I stop considering these things to really hunker down and work out this whole Imus thing?

I thought maybe I should stop thinking about the working man, if only to marvel at the incredible record of our Administration "losing" important documents that might be useful as evidence in a court of law, or congress.

I thought it might be worth thinking about how to combat the more and more intrusive domestic spying activities of our own government, or to think about the consequences of the across-the-board extension of Army tours of duty, and to make plans to move my children to Canada before they reach draft age, if necessary.

I also thought it might be worth a few minutes of my time to be scared out of my wits regarding some of the starker warnings about global climate change, and to make plans to move to Canada before the human migrations and water wars start, if necessary.

Nonetheless, I will respect your judgment and heed your advice if you tell me Imus is more important.

Please, Ken, tell me. Do I really have to think about Imus?


P.S.: If your answer is "yes," when would it be o.k. to start thinking about canceling our love affair with standardized testing in academic assessment, developing clean electricity generation capabilities, and nuclear disarmament again?

Dear Montag,

You've only been thinking about Imus for a few days. That's not a major problem. You don't have to think about Imus, and if you don't want to think about Imus...don't! Simply find a way to distract yourself whenever Imus pops into your head.

However, if you...

* wake up thinking of Imus
* keep re-playing Imus's last show in your head
* worry constantly about where Imus is and what he's doing
* are upset when a phone call isn't from Imus
* imagine Imus in the seat beside you as you commute to work

...well, be patient and focus. Whenever Imus pops into your head, say this to yourself: "Huck mir nisht a chynick, and I don't mean efsher!" Repeat it as often as you want. Over and over. I hope this helps!


Friday, April 13, 2007

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Combining love and money may be asking for trouble! If it's unavoidable, set ground rules with veteran staffers and the board to avoid "misunderstandings." Canceling those extraordinary pay increases may upset a love mate. Cupid's arrows are destined for single bulls!


Harlan K. Ullman was tall and vigorously masculine. He stood before Pamela Martin's hottest "Associate," radiating shock and awe. She tried to stand, but her knees went limp.

"Oh, Harlan. You make me horny. You make me so horny I can't even stand it." Raven licked her lips, and ran a hand down her leg.

"Yes, and I have some live smallmouth bass from the Potomac River to excite your appetite. Look... I just caught them," he said, laying them on her nightstand. Raven looked at the nightstand. One of the bass suddenly jumped up and smacked her squarely on the mouth. She screamed and cried out, "Oh, you naughty, naughty fish!" Ullman leapt into action subduing the bass with his big hands. Then the other fish jumped, landing on the bedroom rug. Raven, felt bold enough to grab the second fish, which began to flutter about crazily. Raven struggled to hold onto it until Ullman came to her rescue again.

At that frantic moment, caution was impossible to practice. Ullman harshly covered Raven's hands with his and together they pushed down on the flapping fish. Sweaty skin upon fishy flesh: how it thrilled them, and calmed the struggling bass. The two felt weak. The fish slid from their grasp, slipping back to the floor. Raven looked up into Harlan's eyes and smiled.

"What a naughty, naughty boy you are!" she scolded, laying back on the bed.

That's when he heard the voices and felt the steady pulse of Kiowa Warrior helicopter blades chopping through his head. He laid his face down in the hot desert sand and felt himself go numb. Then soon even the sand was gone.


Employer Name: George W. Bush
Location: Washington, D.C.
Posted: 4/13/2007
Category: National Security
Job Code: 07RAG0506
Job Description:
We're looking for candidates to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
We'd love to speak to you about this position. Please call our office at (202) 456-1414 or email us at to discuss this opening today. We hope to hear from you soon!
Job Requirements:
Associates with 3-5 years experience implementing and executing strategic re-re-reviews for both Iraq and Afghanistan.
Job Criteria:
Start Date: Very soon.
Position Type: Semi-Permanent
Years of Experience Required: 3
Education Required: JD
Contact Information:
Contact Name: Steve Hadley: Recruiter
Company: National Security Council
Phone: (202) 456-1414
Fax: (202) 456-2461
Street: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
City: Washington, D.C.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Dear Ken,

Help! I am a certified computer knucklehead! I accidently by mistake erased five million official White House business emails generated between March 2003 and October 2005! I tried using the back button to retrieve them and even checked in the trash folder to see if they were there. They weren't.

Oh well, I guess they're gone forever! Right?!

Best regards,

Dear Karl,

Don't worry about a thing! When it comes to data on your computer, it is virtually impossible to "accidentally" remove anything beyond recoverability! The emails you deleted got stored on your hard drive. Nothing ever gets totally "deleted" from your drive. Those missing emails can easily be recovered with the help of data recovery software and subpoenas from Sen. Leahy's Judiciary Committee.

Hope this helps you out!



Christian Right Struggles With Electile Disaffection

The Council for National Policy, a secretive club whose few hundred members include Dr. James C. Dobson, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, and Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform, is searching for a super-powerful Republican presidential primary champion who will give them a long lasting, vein bulging election in 2008.

They fear that frontrunners Rudy Giuliani, Sen. John McCain, and Mitt Romney can only be embraced by the faithful while under the influence of alcohol, which is strictly prohibited. Many of their members have even gone soft on conservative candidates Gov. Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, Rep. Duncan Hunter of California, and Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas because of anxiety over their abilities to unify the movement or raise enough money to overtake the frontrunners.

A delegation from the Council for National Policy approached charismatic conservative Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, fantasizing that nothing could stop his amazingly incredible break-through candidacy from giving the Christian Right their most immensely huge election since 2000. However, Gov. Mark Sanford firmly declined the group's hot and heavy advances, angrily shouting, "When I say no, I mean NO!"

Mr. Norquist says he remains open to Huckabee, Hunter, Brownback or Mr. Romney, saying that with the right promises, any of them could redeem themselves, despite their records. "It's called secondary virginity," Mr. Norquist explained. "It is a big movement in high school and also available for politicians."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007
On the Docket

Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy

"US Solicitor General Paul D. Clement, should a taxpayer have the right to challenge a law that commemorated the Pilgrims by building a government church at Plymouth Rock where we will have the regular worship in the Puritan religion?" says Supreme Court Justice Stehen G. Breyer.

"I would say no," says U.S. Solicitor General Paul D. Clement.

"What about a law that required the government to build churches all over America that represented a single denomination? Nobody could challenge it?" says Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer.

To that, U.S. Solicitor General Paul D. Clement again says, "No. There would not be taxpayer standing."

So Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer says, "Do you think Anna Nicole lied to Howard K. Stern about who fathered her child?"

"Yes. Can you imagine how ironic it would be if Stern was somehow involved---"

"No, Mr. Clement. I was just checking to see if you knew how to say 'yes.'"

Monday, April 09, 2007

Dear Ken,

I am such a dumb bunny sometimes! Do you have any helpful suggestions for me with regards to my appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Thursday!?

Best regards,
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

Dear Attorney General Gonzales

I sent this article to your boss years ago and it really helped him!


Hi Ken,

Here's what I need to do today...get some organization around here! I'll need to make a to-do list first. Let's see, where to start...maybe a list of former industry lobbyists I want to see re-write government reports on global warming? Or all the stuff I need to get done before I attack Iran? Or a list of stooges I want to install in the Justice Department???

Things I gotta do this week

* Wash Air Force One
* Force-feed the hunger striking detainees at Guantanamo Bay
* Put Constitutional scholars who criticize me on tv on the Transportation Security Administration's terrorist watch list.

Share my list
I can share my lists with the entire world or just with a few faceless bureaucrats at Homeland Security! You can too!

Your friend,

Lonely At The Top

Dear Lonely At The Top,

Making lists is always a great idea! So is checking out Montag's minutes-ago-posted award for Comment Of The Week. It's just below! Do it today!


Double Jeopardy!

This post has become our weekly chance to honor commenting at it's finest and acknowledge the kind people who further the IMFB,S! cause by sending traffic our way. This week we have been given a unique opportunity to kill both zombies with one bullet, so to speak.

In the past, I have shown my penchant for slavery to popular demand in the awarding of this honor, and this week will once again defer to the keen judgment of our esteemed commentators. Let's listen in on what they had to say the past week:

This, from mistah charley, ph.d., is not the I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot!:
My thanks to the June Taylor Dancers for bringing the Fafblog comments back, at least for now (though we should always remember that, as 'Cat Stevens' sang, "we're only dancing on this earth for a short while")

I have the honor of having the last Fafblog comment posted - as I write, at least - and in a bold and only apparently egotistical stroke of action, I would like to pro-actively nominate it as this week's Comment of the Week* (although admittedly it is not AT imissfafblogspot - but it is ABOUT imissfafblogspot) - it says, in part,

New pictures, stories, and fun at!
*If I am not for myself, who will be?

If I am for myself only, instead of promoting the good of the greater whole of I Miss Fafblog, Spot!, what am I?

If not now, when? Maybe next week?
Nor is this--- from bodiciah t rentlord III, who is always quick to chuck 'convention' to the dogs ---the I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot!:
I second mistah charley's nomination, but only in the glory of it's complete original:

New pictures, stories, and fun at! Free!! Free!!!

[some assembly required]


I think the final three words the capture the crux of I Miss Fafblog, Spot. While the ingenious addition of an almost certainly poetically licensed, aesthetically awe inspiring, single dropped period following four blank lines is a beautiful example of minimalist wit.

Note: I do realize that the new vogue thing the kids are all doing nowadays is adding all the extra space at the bottom of their comments. That plays, really, pretty well inside the Haloscan thingy. However, in formatting blogger posts any extra space at all translates into miles and miles of scrolling on the published screen, which could mean carpal tunnel for our scroll wheel mouse using readership. We do not want that! [Carriage returns have been omitted where artistic intent is not compromised.]

While this is not exactly the I Miss Fafblog Comment of the Week, Spot! we might accurately name it, just this once, the I Miss Fafblog Fafblog! Comment of the Week, Spot! So without waiting any longer, here is mistah charley, ph.d. from the comments at the real Fafblog!:
New pictures, stories, and fun at! Free!! Free!!!

[some assembly required]

"Some assembly required," indeed. This line has great potential as a possible 'tag line' in lieu of "not a sanctioned source for Fafblog, Spot!" (Of course, you just can't be too careful these days... so maybe not.) The additional period as in-joke, but not one of those alienating in-jokes, is just plain heartwarming.

Anyway, do you see what I meant about the zombies? It is now a very simple thing to also thank mistah charley, ph.d. for sending traffic our way this week from [see above.] Thanks also to oldephartteintraining who includes us in his blogroll, and whose sage advice, "You might want to claim your blog on Technorati," has been heeded... as evidenced by our new shiny Technorati thingamabob in the right-hand column. Click on it to see stuff.

WE'RE NUMBER 361,014! WE'RE NUMBER 361,014!! WE'RE NUMBER 361,014!!! Join in the chant!

Enough of that. Well played, mistah charley, ph.d.!

Sunday, April 08, 2007
What's In Your Easter Basket?

This year, why not make an Easter basket that expresses your unique selfness. Instead of a typical basket with green Easter astroturf that ends up in the landfill by Thursday, why not make it something fun and useful. Choose containers that do something besides provide a nest for your chocolate bunny, such as a royal blue two cubic foot capacity heavy duty hopper bin. Imagine what joy one of these would bring! And later it can become an organizer for your torque wrenches, machine screws, and guest towels.

Traditional Easter candy is a great in any basket, but why not include a spatula with with a built in calculator and clock?! Remember that bodiciah t rentlord III's Raisin Pie sans sucre is always a welcome addition, too. Be sure to include the recipe!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Ruff ruff!

Friday, April 06, 2007
Double Good Friday Pie Blogging: Raisin Pie

Raisin Pie sans sucre

This pie is good and good for you because it’s made without refined sugar. It just doesn’t need extra sweetening. Made with raisins and fruit juices this pie is delicious and nutritious. Some folks claim that it will be even better on the third day, I dunno, but that’s what I heard.



Invincible Pie

Emmitt SmithThis Pie has won 4 NFL rushing titles, rushed for over 1,000 yards in 11 consecutive seasons, rushed for 16,726 career yards, scored 164 touchdowns and spawned that rule where you can't take your helmet off on the field to celebrate anymore. Pie was also crowned champion of ABC's Dancing with the Stars with dance partner, Cheryl Burke, without wearing any helmet at all!

Bird MarketingThis Pie will buy you two crudely drawn birds and a thatched hut which appears only big enough to hold three quarters of one bird... But Pie has magical properties! Pie's magic makes that hut however big it's needed; on the inside! Remember the Weasley family's tent in that one Harry Potter episode? That was Pie! (Uncredited.)

Movie fails because of its brazen, puerile attempt at one-upsmanship on the delicious perfection of our fair Pie. Alas for Movie, Pie's perfection is not to be trifled with.

The ConstitutionMostly, Pie studiously amends the United States Constitution to limit the number of terms a president may be elected to. So even if congress refuses to do it, Pie will remove even the lamest of ducks... eventually. Even more, this Pie possesses the indominable strength required to repel all fictious threats posed by April Fool's day news items on fake websites that accidentally get reported on a national liberal talk radio show, then retracted in the next segment.

Yay for Pie!


Some Rights Reserved. Guess which ones!

Missing Fafblog picture of the week

Halcylon days.


"What did your mother and I tell you about watching the commercials?"

"That if they need commercials to sell it, it isn't worth buying."

"That's right kids, they're either selling you a price that's too high, or a need that isn't necessary, or a superiority that is superfluous."

---Montag Alawicious Beeblebrox I



Links to Actual Fafblogs

Sorta Fafblogian Link Types
Anonymous Lawyer
Armageddon Cocktail Hour
Baby Toupees
Bateman, Scott
Billionaires For Bush
Blue Gal
Chalk, Mr.
Chase Me Ladies, I'm in the Calvary!
Chicken Suits
CompareNContrast Wars
Cool Hunter
Crooks and Liars
Culture Ghost, The
Dateline Hollywood
Defeatists, The
Doodle Bean
Guys From Area 51
Happy Sock Fun Time (thepuppethead)
Harris, Bob (includes occasional pudus!)
Improv Everywhere
Jesus' General!
Lark News
Laughing Squid
Le Pétomane
Liberal Fascism
Little Green Fascists
Maximumize Positive Chaos
Mental Floss Magazine
Mouse and Rat Breeds
Noah Kalina Every Day
Onion, The
Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying
Perrin, Dennis
Roger Ailes' Fox-TV Blog
Sadly, No!
Shakespeare, Neil
Obsidian Wings
Stump Lane (Montag)
Swift, Jon
Swift Report, The
Tristam Shandy
Who Is IOZ
Zaius Nation
Ze Frank

Argue With Everyone
Casa de Los Gatos
Fret Free Fridays
Grow a Brain
Hellbound in Denver
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Blogosphere
Matilda's Advice and Rants
Miss Cellania
The Republic of Dogs
Doug Richardson
Trick of the Light
Vidiot Speak

Special "Look Around You" Video Section
Part One: Maths
Part Two: Water
Part Three: Germs
Part Four: Ghosts
Part Five: Sulphur
Part Six: Music
Part Seven: Iron
Part Eight: Brain

Special Other Video Section
Aranjuez Quartet - Classical Guitarists
How to Talk Like a Pirate
Matrix Ping Pong
OK Go!
Soldier Head Twist
The Supersonic Future


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Sumatran Rhino
Missing Fafblog! can be like the solitary life of the Sumatran rhinoceros. I Miss Fafblog, Spot!? A saltlick around which to congregate.
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This is a homage blog to the apparently moribund Fafblog. Any copyright violations are pretty much unintentional and are the fault of that dastardly Doodle Bean!

Have something to say about Fafblog or this blog? Email Montag at montag-at-stumplane-dot-us.